Feelings about what you are doing...
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Feelings about what you are doing...
| Wed, 09-17-2008 - 1:54pm |
Like I said in my intro, I am really new to this - less than a month of actual physical contact.
| Wed, 09-17-2008 - 1:54pm |
Like I said in my intro, I am really new to this - less than a month of actual physical contact.
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The answer to your question, YES, I feel guilty alot and so does AP that is the biggest problem.
Hi skimmocha & welcome!
My two cents...I have odd moments of guilt but for the most part...no. I have felt exactly like you when it comes to AP/BF. We started our A with a conversation and found out that we have so much in common, it's scary. We're both survivors of sexual abuse and I think that is our main connection. I told him so much stuff about me in that first conversation..stuff that I never shared with my STBXH. I so know what you mean about your AP doing more for you than H has in 15 years, I feel/felt the exact same way. My AP/BF has made me feel more like a woman than I've felt since I was a teenager. I can tell you that I have been in my A for over a year now and I think we both feel just as much for each other (if not more) as we did when it first started. I would like to think that AP/BF and I could remain friends when and if this thing ends but at this point in time, I tend to doubt it. Feelings do become involved...I have fallen deeply in love with him and I don't see myself changing anytime soon so, if we were to end...I know that I would still be in love. If I saw him dating someone else, it would completely destroy me. I know this for a fact. I could try and pretend to be his friend but I know that would just be a cover for trying to get him back.
I missed your first post so can't remember if you/he are single or married. Is your M in trouble? Is your relationship with AP and FWB kind of thing? I have to warn you that for the most part...no matter the intent at the beginning (as in, no feelings...just fun kind of thing) feelings and emotions will enter the equation...and that's when it gets tough.
I left my H when this A began because I could not carry on behind his back. And I knew I wanted this other person beyond all reason (I fell very hard for him before we even touched each other!) I feel awful that I hurt my H the way I did but I don't feel guilty..I did what I had to and ended it so I wouldn't have to hide and lie.
Don't know if this helped but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone feeling this way.
benska
Hi Skim,
First of all I do not think I have welcomed you to the board. Please forgive me I have been crazy at work.
I know that at first I felt no guilt, I had already spearated from my H and in my mind was through with the M. But I still had to hide it from people as it affected my divorce. I began to later on into the R feel guilt. The only thing I can tell you is what I have heard many times here. When the pain out weighs the pleasure it is time to get off the ride. Try not to analyze every little thing even thought I know it is hard, it iwll only make things worse. Only you can decide if you can deal with the guilt or lack there of. We are here for you and to help give you the best advice we can.
I never felt guilty about my A's. My husband, was a spineless Putz, who was also an alcoholic. I was SO glad when he finally found a girlfriend after he moved out. It may sound terrible but I never felt bad about lying. I hated my husband, and he was a good guy all in all. Never a nasty drunk, but a drunk nonetheless.
As far as you over analyzing things, get use to it. Sometimes being the OW plays w/ your head a little. Your constantly wondering what he meant by this or that. Why didn't he call? Is everything OK? Oh your gonna go nuts. But it has it's beautiful sides too. It definitely take you away when your together. Good Luck, and don't do anything that I wouldn't do! Which leaves your options wide open!!! ;)
Guilt, what guilt??? I have only dropped weight, lost my appetite, and broke out in zits this week. Just kidding. I actually have little guilt right now, especially when things feel so friggin right, kwim? But I too am having a hard time balancing everything out. It is like A.D.D. of my thoughts.
I have an awful lot of guilt about what I am doing. I feel guilty that there is this other woman who I assume is a really nice woman and that her husband spends his time and money on me. I sit sometimes and think that if she knew everything that he has shared with me about his family, that it may be worse than the fact that he has slept with me.
For instance I know the children's names, their birthdays, what they are doing in school, I know siblings names, where they live, what they do for a living. I know how much money he makes, I know when he's working and when he isn't. When he's working I know where he is and how long he will be at a job. I have been with him when he has talked to clients and made appointments. I have been with him when he's had conversations with the children. He has NEVER taken a call from his wife with me present. Quite frankly he has never said anything negative about her. I know where the family spends their vacation and he shows me pictures. I know what his weekend plans are. So yeah there is a ton of guilt about what I am participating in.
I sometimes think that there must be something wrong with me that I can so easily switch from one life to another. I have no problem spending an afternoon with him and then walking into my own house and putting on my other hat so to speak. No guilt when I look at my husband. MM says that he feel the same.
I know that at some point this will end. This is after all for now, not forever.
Wow, so well put!
Wow! What a great response. Thanks everybody.
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