Finally broke up with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Finally broke up with him
11
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 4:06pm

The title says it all.

It feels really scary. It felt like our relationship has strenghtened over the past months. We had our ups and downs, but the downs became fewer and the ups, better. There was less jealousy, but still this nice connection and great sex. He was always excited to see me no pun intended, it never slowed down. There was less anxiety on my part. It felt like I believed him more, despite all the people around me rolling their eyes about our relationship. He was like my boyfriend. I knew he would be there for me when I needed and when he could of course. He was telling me he was my man and I was his woman. That we will never break up. That I'm his Russian destiny (his late father worked to the Cuban gouvt and was very much into the Soviet culture and wished my AP had a Russian woman LOL). He even started learning my mother tongue and told me how he would talk to my parents in it one day. Few days ago, he told me that he loved my son, because he loved me. He got him a bike for his 5th bday 2 weeks ago....

Except that the time was passing by and here we are, almost a year since the W came to Canada and I was even ready to wait more, since apparently, she was slow to adapt or whatever the reason was that he still couldn't break up with her "now". And everytime, I would say that I"m feeling bad, he would get annoyed, because apparently my bad feelings didn't make sense. That I knew how much he loved me and that there's nothing with her, she's like a roomate to him and all I had to do is to believe him and to continue enjoying nice moments until our time came. And I would enjoy moments with and without him, but the bad feelings (anger, insecurity) would resurface. How much can one possibly wait without any indication on the "when" ? 

Part of me believes that once the time comes, he'll come back to me. Another part of me thinks that maybe he just mislead me. He didn't try to retain me. He would say that he loved me, but if I can't control my bad feelings, I should just make my decision. To me that felt like pushing me to break up, but he never agreed to that. So it's done.

I'm feeling sad about the so many nice moments we could have together. Part of me feels angry too. Part of me, regrets. But I'm not destroyed. Another part of me knows that I'm great and once I'm through my grief, the single man of my life will appear. It's just a matter of time...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 6:49pm

Sorry this happened but it sounds like you deserve better...and good to hear from you since I haven't been active on this board in a while. You need a fully available man but it sucks grieving and seems to hurt worse than a normal breakup because of all the 'what itfs.'

It sounds like is a bit cowardly and doesn't want to take accountability for his actions....like he wants you to be the one to be in charge of the affair, whether that's ending it or pushing to continue. Real men who want you will fight for you....we just have to hold out for the ones who will fight for us :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 9:10pm

It's too bad but all this talk about "love" is really just talk if he will not take any steps to be with you.  Unless you want to be the mistress forever while he lives with his wife.  A year is more than a reasonable time for her to adjust to living in a new country.  The way things were going, it could have been 5 yrs and you'd still be in the same position and meanwhile it prevents you from finding a single guy.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 9:13am

Sireanita ~ Sorry that something so good had to end, but it is for the best.  Yes, you are opening yourself up for a single man who can give you all his time and devotion and not have to share him or deal with excuses.  Keep your head up and busy!  Life can only get better!

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 9:13am

Sireanita ~ Sorry that something so good had to end, but it is for the best.  Yes, you are opening yourself up for a single man who can give you all his time and devotion and not have to share him or deal with excuses.  Keep your head up and busy!  Life can only get better!

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 7:00am
I don't know, Music. If I recall correctly, the wife came from Cuba to Canada. If she doesn't speak English and doesn't have a work visa, a year might not be enough time to get settled in a new country while your husband runs off with another woman, leaving wife with the kids. Or even worse, him taking the kids and leaving her alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 1:43pm

shouldbe_rich wrote:
I don't know, Music. If I recall correctly, the wife came from Cuba to Canada. If she doesn't speak English and doesn't have a work visa, a year might not be enough time to get settled in a new country while your husband runs off with another woman, leaving wife with the kids. Or even worse, him taking the kids and leaving her alone.

You recall correctly. The W has been studying French in Cuba and for almost a year here, and is apparently just to shy to speak, because she doesn't like making mistakes and apparently she doesn't understand too well how things work or whatever. She's been working since last April (not in her field, but still) and even has an investment account on her name. She has friends too. She doesn't look helpless to me, but he says that I don't know anything.

I know tons of immigrants (and my family immigrated 20 years ago too) who speak badly, but speak and achieve things. There's a lot of help for immigrants and for women here, But I imagine that he just feels guilty. 

And even if the H breaks up with her, he could still be there to help. .That's what he did and still does with his ex W and even her new H. And he's a very involved father, he would be there for the kids. So no, it's not the case of leaving some poor woman who doesn't work or speak the language, alone with the kids, while the H forgets everything and has fun with another woman. 

I started feeling that he's misleading me in addition to her, because honestly, she could be redoing her life with another man right now, even if her language skills are not the best. There are tons of latins here, not to mention that French Canadians love Cubans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 1:46pm

Thank you for the nice words, lostandnotfound, collect_call and music.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 5:10pm
That's interesting. Living in Texas, I know many immigrants from Mexico, but not a single Cuban. (and I didn't know if most Canadians spoke French or not... the only ones I know are on the internet and type in English!) In the end, it looks like your assessment of the situation is correct. But I doubt you've heard the last from him. You are a beautiful woman and Mr. Right will come along one day. Maybe in the not too distant future. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 10:51pm

I'm sad that you are sad, but glad you aren't destroyed.  I can't even imagine how hard it would be after he has shown such an interest in your son.  No matter what you let your head think, your heart always seems to have its own mind. I hope you are doing OK.  I'm also wondering, is it sticking OK?  Not that I don't have faith in you, but it does seem like we have a lot of false starts around here...lol.  Are you managing to stay away from him?  

I agree that the part that is really hard to handle is him negating your feelings.  He doesn't have to feel the way you do, but it is pretty ridiculous how he couldn't put himself in your shoes and understand how it could be hurtful and unfulfilling to you.  Or if he does understand it, how he refuses to validate your feelings.  It makes me want to kick him in the testicles then say "What?  It doesn't hurt ME when people kick me there! So it's silly that it hurts you!" Mwahaha!

I know people keep talking about finding the right guy who is all yours, but if you are feeling like me, you might not even want to think about that yet. I personally hope that he comes crawling back to you as soon as you are finally over him, and he realizes just how big his loss is.  Keep your chin up and update when you have a chance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 10:52pm

I'm sad that you are sad, but glad you aren't destroyed.  I can't even imagine how hard it would be after he has shown such an interest in your son.  No matter what you let your head think, your heart always seems to have its own mind. I hope you are doing OK.  I'm also wondering, is it sticking OK?  Not that I don't have faith in you, but it does seem like we have a lot of false starts around here...lol.  Are you managing to stay away from him?  

I agree that the part that is really hard to handle is him negating your feelings.  He doesn't have to feel the way you do, but it is pretty ridiculous how he couldn't put himself in your shoes and understand how it could be hurtful and unfulfilling to you.  Or if he does understand it, how he refuses to validate your feelings.  It makes me want to kick him in the testicles then say "What?  It doesn't hurt ME when people kick me there! So it's silly that it hurts you!" Mwahaha!

I know people keep talking about finding the right guy who is all yours, but if you are feeling like me, you might not even want to think about that yet. I personally hope that he comes crawling back to you as soon as you are finally over him, and he realizes just how big his loss is.  Keep your chin up and update when you have a chance!

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