Finally coming out of lurking

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Finally coming out of lurking
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 5:13pm
Hi all. I've been reading all of your stories and so many have hit so close to home for me. I feel like there is no one I can go to to vent, get advice etc. And I'm glad to see so many great men and women supporting each other.

My story in a nutshell, I have been with AP for almost 3 years. He is MM with a son and I am currently going through a D myself after 7 years of marriage 3 kids for me aged 6-12. We met through know the story, electricity, fireworks etc. In the beginning we agreed to keep it day by day, not talking about the future, but not dismissing that it's a possibility.

As time went on, we started to talk vaguely about the future and then it became more serious and we both started developing exit strategies. I filed in June. Still living with my H as finances will not permit anything different right now. Still figuring that one out. AP has talked about leaving, but has yet to make any kind of actual "move".

The issue I'm having is that I feel like he holds it over my head that I'm still living with my H. (since papers have been filed I have not had any IC with H. In fct we sleep in separate rooms and rarely speak unless necessary). But for example, AP and I were out last night and getting ready to leave he says "well you better get home to him" (meaning get home to my H). WTF?? He will say things similar to that occasionally and I don't get it. He ia still with his W and says they are not having sex but, who knows and I can't really judge can I? As I still was before I filed to keep suspicions down.

Anyway, is this his insecurity coming out. Does he say these things to try and motivate me to move things faster, or is he trying to make me feel bad?

Sorry for the novel, just getting frustrated as things were great before I files for D and now its more stressful than ever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 7:14pm

I agree with odessa; it's his own insecurities coming out.  He may even be jealous that things are moving along for you, or that you've been stronger than him in filing first.  I think this is one of the things you can't be "too" honest about.  Whatever is behind the comments, you don't want it to grow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:56am

I think that you are doing what you intended to do while your AP isn't making moves at all. You should have a conversation with him about those remarks "well you better get home to him". That was not necessary and uncalled for. What is he doing to prove that he wants out his marriage?  He's doing nothing so he needs to keep those comments to himself. I do feel they stem from insecurity and he shouldn't rush you. Your D is in motion and that takes time.

Nip this and his comments in the bud now before they get out of hand and you both say things you will regret. Perhaps he needs assurance but from the looks of it your actions are speaking loudly and his aren't in alignment at all.



Much peace & Love,