Finally Did It - But Feel Like Crap
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| Tue, 09-29-2009 - 10:47am |
Hi Ladies,
So as you all know my situation. He left to go on his business trip on Sunday night without me even though I should've been there with him - but because of the argument last week (on the trip) and the fact that we didnt resolve it - i didnt go this week.
So yesterday I sent a simple email saying - please call when you get a chance so we can talk (kind of like a last chance - hoping he would somehow be different). he wrote back a long email about there is nothing to really talk about, turning it around on me that I AGAIN managed to find faults, complaints - how he is never the one that has any complaints against our rship, he is happy, doesnt want it to end.
he said he keeps quiet and doesnt answer questions because of fear that it will make things worse. why cant he understand, not answering questions IS making it worse.
he said how he feels he has completely changed himself to meet my needs (but I dont see how since he is the one with all the rules and runs the rship).
This line really gets me!!! He said - he doesnt know what kind of love I have where I all I do is find faults in him every other day!!!!

Hey Jen...
What can I say... My xAP is just like yours. It feels as if he is playing mind games with me, but once I start to comment on it and start asking questions, he gets annoyed and doesn't want to listen to my "whining". Then he gets even more annoyed, he goes cold on me... I have to ask again what's wrong... and he breaks up. That's how it goes. And it sucks big time. I wish I could give you good advice, the only thing I can say is : do what's best for yourself.
But that is SO hard. I don't know what to say, I am still a newbie myself :-(
Big hug
Htgo
p.s. don't go. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words
Dont go jen! Remember this guy has a knack of turning his tantrums into YOUR issue. He restricts you worse than if you were M and he blatantly ignores your pleas for talk and tells you that if you want to go then just go.
The 5 seconds of good feelings will be replaced so soon after with days worth of guilt trips and feel bad rubbish. Re read your last post and try to objectively work out if you like being treated like that. IF this A was working for you, you would be over the moon when you are with him, but whenever you get together, you turn yourself inside out not to upset him. Thats not love to me. You are pretending to be someone you are not in order to keep the R and its damaging your very soul. I bet you feel like crap when you cant be yourself for fear of his reactions
Stay away and let him do the missing you for a change. Dont be at his beck and call and let him see what it feels like to not be in control of the situation. I am not telling you to play games, but you want to stay with him and there is no way you can change the power of dynamics with him by doing exactly the same things over and over. Take control of yourself and see if he follows. If he doesnt make any effort you know that you are a convenience and not a necessary part of his life. If he loves you, he WILL make an effort to reach out (and not just for a roll in the hay)
Stay strong and keep busy, but DONT GO!
Hugs.
SB.
This guy is a master game player.
I agree with everyone on here. You definitely should not go. I know it's hard and you feel bad about not going but I believe you will regret it if you do. You deserve to be treated with respect. His treatment towards you is the definition of complete and utter disrespect.
Let him be the one feeling bad for a change. You owe him nothing but
Thank you all so much for helping to make this decision...I REALLLLY needed to hear this because I was feeling really weak this morning and it was just a really gross feeling from inside, like butterflies, throwing up, confused, couldnt concentrate on anything...but after getting all these responses - it definitely made me feel stronger.
Jen,
I read both of your recent threads and your story reminded me of a man I dated a few years ago. He acted
Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. ~Anonymous
&nb
I think it is great that you stood up for yourself, but be prepared for no response or a response just like he has given before. Why, because he feels differently about this relationship than you do. I hate to site my source on a feeling of gender difference, but that is my gut feeling after being here awhile and reading.
He is obviously torn wanting to be with you, but clearly married and loving another, and using some illogical reasoning of making things good for all. He simply wants the pleasureable part of this relationship only. and affair is all pleasurable until someone's needs are not being met, or someones' expectations change. I think he is just trying to tell you, this is how it is, take it or leave it. Making it all your choice and that relives him of the guilt he might have had of telling you anything false. So he has moments of reality, like we all do and we think, "WHAT the hell are we doing?" and you think as you read other posts, well, it is different for me because I am in love. I can only relate because I am in love with my ap, but then it was a natural circumstance for me to fall totally into and somehow made making love with someone acceptable because, well I love him.
I think he is trying to present to you that you can have control over this situation. You can choose to be in this affair or not. It should make no difference how he feels about you, because he is married and not leaving. I think women still live with the fantasy that love with conquer all and he is with her, but he loves me, because we can feel that way. It is not the same for them. Even though I keep searching to find one of these relationships that actually work out.
If you have any kind of feelings for your spouse, you would never want them to find out because that would be too painful even if you hated them. If you hate them, then really you gotta work to get out of your marriage, and if it takes a long process just be sure you don't get caught being with someone in the meantime. I am sure it makes the process easier knowing someone is there for you on the other end. Someone who is more your soulmate that you have been knowing has been out there your whole life, but just found.
I have been feeling horrible for the past 2 days. I've been working from home lately so its worse because I have too
I have been away just returning and so much in the same situation as your emotions, but I am working hard to forget about him.