Finally my version of our story
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| Mon, 10-06-2003 - 1:30pm |
I'm not sure too many would call it an A, but it sure feels like one and at times we act like it's one.
He's been my boss for over a year now. During that time, we've worked very closely together and spent many lunches and hours together. I've enjoyed working with him, going to lunch with him, engaging in team moral boosters w/him, just plain ol spending time w/him. Whenever we have to go somewhere as a group, we always ride together and talk about any and everything under the sun.
I would say March of this year I started viewing him as a good friend. I felt very comfortable with him. By March we had developed a great working relationship, and a very good friendship. He started asking me all sorts of philosophical and personal "hypothetical" questions. Little did I know he was talking about himself.
July of this year we were having a friendly conversation with another co-worker. We were just joking around. Well, I made a stupid comment about a “special” need, but I was just joking. The other co-worker offered to take care of my need and of course I declined and that was the end of that conversation. I went back to my office to work.
The next thing I know, my boss is saying that he wants to fill that “special” need for me. The conversation escalated from there to many questions about why I should let him do that for me and vice versa because both of us were “happily” married. Well, our mutual physical attraction was made known about a week before that moment, but we just left it at that and in my mind we were NOT going to pursue anything with each other.
Over the next few weeks, the flirtations increased. Then at the end of a very stressful workday we were both expressing our tension and disappointment over a work related issue. All of a sudden he said he needed a hug, so I offered him one. The problem was I hugged a bit too long and a bit too tight. Ummmm, he felt soooooo good, I really didn’t want to let go. I apologized for my “inappropriate” behavior, then HE KISSED ME!!!!!! I was not expecting that but I sure wanted it badly. And, I might add, it was WONDERFUL. After that, I ran to my office and closed the door. I was so nervous. I kept thinking, “I’m married, he’s married, he’s my boss. I CANNOT do this!”
By the time I got to my desk, he’d already sent me a message about how much he enjoyed that. I responded telling him it was mutual. Over the next few weeks, we were touching each other behind closed doors, kissing, fondling, everything but intercourse. I was feeling torn because I didn’t want to ruin my family nor make his family life troublesome.
Every weekend I kept saying to myself that I was going to stop this nonsense and be good. Every Monday we tried to be good, but by Tuesday we were back at it. The attraction was stronger than both of our desires to do the right thing. Finally I just gave up and said I was going to enjoy him for who/what he was. I was going to stop fighting it. Then we had the talk about what our expectations were.
Initially, it was just going to be purely physical fwb. Then he started asking very personal questions. He said he really wanted to know more about me. He recognized my wall I had built around myself and started asking about that too. So, we had to have another talk about expectations and what this was going to be between us. We decided that we do genuinely care about each other and we value our friendship, so it’s going to be what it’s going to be. We’re not going to force anything and we’re not going to fight our emotions any longer. The lines of communication are always open and will always be open. Constantly we check in w/each other to see if we’re on the same page. Every time we are.
Last week he asked me if he could be my "boyfriend". I had to ask what that meant. When he told me, I told him I would have to think about it. I later told him that he could be my "boyfriend" and I'd be his "girlfriend". What a bunch of kids we're acting like.
We’ve made plans to consummate this A, but scheduling a date is very hard lately. So in the meantime, we’re taking it slow, playing it safe, and still good friends who care.

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I'm glad this entire thread was very refreshing to you. I do agree with you & shouldi in the deep love that we tend to have for DH. I do love DH deeply & dearly, yet I feel as if MM is a friend that I can be "real" with. That's what I find that I need more than anything right now. I need to be real like the velveteen rabbit. MM gives me that. He's my blue fairy and I'm very grateful to him for that.
I've also noticed the many different A situations. Whenever I see one that looks chaotic and dysfunctional, I look at my situation again and re-evaluate myself and my entire situation. I don't think MM would go for one of those crazy situations. We're both too discreet and low key for all of that drama. That's another need we both have - the need for no drama. We both hate that type of stuff - making fuss for no reason.
I also read that statistics link too. I'd like to think of mine as a loving one because we do care about each other and each other's family life. I don't want his family life to be ruined and vice versa. Often MM has told me how he admires how I treat DH and support DH in certain problems that he has faced. MM has seen DH & I go through some issues that were not necessarily marital related, more along the lines of DH's career.
I know you asked shouldi the question, but I had to put my 2 pennies in. Sorry 'bout that Kari.
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You asked, "what it is about OM/MM or the A itself that meets your needs, and what would be missing if you didn't have it"? Good question, since I did not feel that anything was missing from my life before. What I discovered the relationship gave me - because of my OM's nature, which is happy, positive, expansive, inclusive - was a sense of fun and spontaneity that had been missing for quite a long time. Even the way we started, with holding hands, seemed silly and fun and had a sense of exploration and discovery that had been missing in my life for a long time. Now, I don't blame my DH or my kids for that; it was the accumulation of responsibilities in life, along with some tendencies of *my* nature that led to that. But right from the start, OM showed me that even a woman of my advanced years ;) could have fun! He takes such enjoyment in everything - even getting a smile from me or holding my hand makes him happy - and it's a delight to see a smart, successful man take such joy in the moment.
Thanks to him, I've learned to appreciate all kinds of things and people that even a strong Christian faith didn't impart. I realized quickly that if I could make the time to have fun with him, I could make the time to have more fun with my family, too. I enjoy everything a lot more, thanks to my OM. He also has a playful, adventuresome, and exceptionally giving attitude towards sex, so that has been eye-opening and liberating, and I think my DH and I benefit from it also.
What would be missing if I didn't have him in my life (and I mean the relationship, because we would still work together if it ended)? Well, imagine if one of your kids wasn't in your life, or how dull the house gets when one of them is at a friend's house, or how lonely it is when your DH travels. It's the *person* who's missing, the person who is part of what completes you and gives you great joy. Earlier in the A, I would have said that life wouldn't be nearly as much fun without OM, but now it's more that he and I have lives that are so closely entwined that it would be like ripping a piece of me away to lose him. Of course I got on fine without him before - I also got along fine without each of my children, but to lose one of them would break my heart.
Hope that explains some part of it. Does it seem familiar to you?
It's nice to meet you all.
Too often I've wondered what was wrong with me that I could not find everything I need from one person. But I have come to believe that, if we are honest with each other, there is no one person who can truly meet every need that we have, across the (potentially) many decades that constitute a marriage. I think people are too complex for that, and there is too much changing and growing along this road that we call Life...
And I totally relate about the 'craziness'. MM and I would be racing for the Exit door of this A if we had any of that. Maybe that is because we are both a lot like you described - the kind of people who are quiet and discreet and avoid chaos and craziness, but mostly it's because I believe that kind of drama is just not going to result in anything positive for anyone in the picture. I've gone about this long-term A in such a way, and with this particular MM, so that I know that will never come into play.
And the admiration of spouses and genuine hope for happiness (as much as possible) in respective marriages is something that has always been a part of this A. To me it's a separate issue from how he feels about me, and his ability to be happy and content in his marriage does not threaten me. That is key, I think.
Thank you again, it's so great to read your posts!
I'm glad that there are others here who come at this from my perspective.
I've thought all along that this A has helped me in my marriage in some important ways, but I have been reluctant to say it 'out loud' because it sounds ridiculous. But your words really hit home and make a lot of sense.
Religion (Christian) is an important issue in our A, too. And guilt has been an issue (mostly on his part) for this reason. To be honest we're still struggling with that to some extent.
Thanks so much for taking the time to answer my question. You are such an eloquent writer and I am gleaning a great deal of wisdom from your words and your philosophies.
I totally agree with that statement. Actually it is totally unfair to EXPECT only ONE person to be and to do all for you. That’s where many people make their mistakes. I think that’s where MM’s W is mistaken. She expects him to spend all of his free time w/her. Well, he has other interests that are separate from her that make him the man he is. It isn’t fair to expect someone to be all for you or even to think that one person can meet all of your needs. Once you come to terms w/that fact in any personal relationship, it takes a lot of pressure off and it also lessens the chances of disappointment because of unmet & unrealistic expectations.
I was reading this thread again and it appears that some of you think that I’m already in love with MM. I don’t think I would go that far. I love MM dearly as a friend, but I don’t think I’ve fallen in love w/him yet. Maybe I’m saying that to myself because I’m afraid of “falling in love”. I think it is possible that I’m currently falling for him, but slowly and cautiously falling for him. If the sex is as good as everything else (conversation, playfulness, kissing, friendship), I could DEFINITELY fall in love very quickly. But, like I said, I’m taking it slow and cautious. Watch my step. Watch HIS step too. :-)
Mommy, what you said about religion really hit home w/me. How do you manage that? Are you saying the same prayers I’m praying? I posted that earlier. I’m curious to know how others are handling that. Anybody please let me know.
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We had a very playful day today as far as conversation goes. Whenever he sees me around the building, he pushes me or hits me like a school boy does to a girl he likes. He's been doing that for many months now, before I even noticed how I truly felt about him. He told me that he started doing that because he had a thing for me. The things we do. He even said that he made noise in his office on purpose just so that I would know he was in. All sorts of little things. He said I had him acting like a 13 year old. Go figure...
But, shouldi, I get your point. Right now I call him my boyfriend, and he has many other terms of endearment for me as well. His term for what we're doing is "straying".
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the heart-stopping feeling you get when you look at each other, or the gaping hole when the other isn't there....I think is was shouldi who said this and that was like so perfect. Couldn't have said it better myself..
It seems a lot of ppl here work with their om/mm. I wish i could be so lucky. We don't work together at all. We live like almost 2 hours apart but meet in the middle for work and stuff and see each other 3-5 times a week.
Am I in love with him? I like to say i am and i think i am, but you know what...he is out of town and i am ok. I miss him but, I am really good and enjoying my husband...so that is how i know, things will be ok.
Get back with you guys tomarrow.
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