Finally need to ask you all....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Finally need to ask you all....
22
Sun, 10-18-2009 - 8:22pm

Hi, lurker here for awhile.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
Sun, 10-18-2009 - 9:57pm

I was involved in an affair with a man who was very special to me. I can relate to some of your issues, basically him being in control and long periods--much longer then two months--btw physical meetings. We had Limited phone contact, much emailing, and a sexually charged connection. I to missed that in my marriage, which is now over.

It was only after I distanced myself from him, which while difficult was made my only option after a damaging to my soul occurrence, that I could look at the dynamics of our affair and see it as one that was not healthy for me. He wanted things to be the same, but I managed to break away slowly with the help of a dear friend. It was a struggle and very very hard, but I am the better for it.

I can't relate to the wife and AP's back and forth about is it safe or not. Honestly once a wife/husband is on the scent if the partner wants to maintain the marriage the affair should end-there will be no more 'safe'. And you, the other woman, is left hanging in the exact spot you now find yourself in which is hardly fair. His wife was never an issue in our affair, I never discussed her and he briefly.

Best advice I can give you is take this time--his time out-- to distance yourself from HIM, don't talk everyday, do not answer the phone every time he calls. Avoid the 'friendly' get togethers. You must slowly wean yourself of him if you are ready to move on. Take back your power.

I wish you well. And time does heal the pain. It really does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2009
Sun, 10-18-2009 - 10:25pm

I agree with the other poster...you have to wean yourself slowly. Just take a little time to yourself. When he e-mails don't quickly e-mail back or text or call etc. Be friends with him if thats what you want but you can't do that with the physical part. AP and I have been friends for a long time and I'm lucky b/c we can shut off the physical part and it doesn't cause any issues. We have disagreements once in awhile but has always been able to work thru them. I told him I can't lose his friendship over anything. I guess what works for me is that I've controlled my emotions. I love him like I love all my (girl) friends. Maybe thats what works for us.


Im wondering if she knows something and thats why he has backed off on the physical part. There is something going on with him and maybe its best to let him deal with it on his own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 5:15am

I agree with Dark & UK here. You need to give him the time he needs or risk losing altogether. Remember she is his W and so she is his main R. What you have will always be delegated to "whenever we have time" basket. I am sure its annoying that she is so suspicious, but he is having an A with you so her suspicions and intuition are obviously on the ball.

I dealt with the silence by throwing myself into life that i used to spend talking to him. I have a cleaner house and my DC dont have to compete for attention. Although i am not M so i never had to dodge a H, the mental exhaustion used when thinking of AP and ways to schedule myself around his times was hard. I cant imagine having to make time between kids and alternate spouses.

IMO, now all is quiet with AP, stretch those jobs you had to condense to fit in. Take the extra time to clean house, maybe fit in a bit of TV, walk around the block, take kids shopping etc. All the things you missed when you were trying to fill the spare time with AP. Maybe even a dinner with DH to see if you can reconnect so if the time comes that AP cannot or will not continue the A, you will not have such a huge hole to fill.

I hope it works out for you.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 3:34pm
IMO do not put all your eggs in one basket. Emotionally,sexually dependent on one person is not good. One's outlook become "tunnel vision". Let's face the facts. He is not going to be 100% yours! So,it is up to you to fill the areas and times when he can't.
xvra
Hornycomments.com for myspace adult comments
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 5:16pm

Hi--and thank you all for good advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 11:05pm

Hang in there lady. Take a break for yourself--to make yourself focus on you. Relax spend times with your family and friends and
take back your power and keep it.

So long as you remember to take care of yourself heart and soul you will find your way. Take Care of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 7:27pm

here again--almost a month later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 8:07pm

Sister, sadly, your A is like many, many other A's out there. Let me ask you - are you a trained therapist? If you are, you're working for free.

He's got to handle his OWN problems with the W. You can't do anything to "solve" or "help" him - or them. We can care ABOUT somebody, but we can't care FOR them.

The one thing you can do is go No Contact. Shut the door for a while. Step away from their drama. Hear the silence instead of the static.

If you do go NC, be prepared for the worst withdrawals you have ever had. NC is the most painful process you will ever undergo. However, it's a tool to help you focus on you and separate yourself from his stuff.

If and when he clears the air with the W - gets a divorce - you may or may not be there for him. But the person you need to be there for is YOU. I see alot of "him him him" in your post. How about YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 8:56pm

agree--must think about me and my DH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 9:12pm

Lilolita:

You owe to YOURSELF to be there for YOURSELF. He's a big boy. You're a big girl. You haven't come this far in life because you were dependent upon anybody. You lived without him before, you can live without him again.

I understand the pain - and I do mean PAIN - of withdrawal. I'm talking on the floor, sobbing in a fetal position pain. Thoughts of them haunting you, thoughts of what could have been. And make no mistake. When you go NC and institute silence IT IS WITHDRAWAL. The pain of the withdrawal is only as deep as the attachment you have to the AP.

When you go NC it is for YOU. It is NOT TO HURT him. NC gives you distance. It gives you clarity. It gives you space away from THEIR drama to figure out why you and your issues.

Think carefully - how long has it been since you've worried about yourself - outside of the EMA - or others in your life (children, parents, friends, pets)? Who have you neglected because you have been so wrapped up in their dilemmas?

It's easy to focus on his problems, his needs, his wants. By taking the focus off of YOUR life and YOUR needs, he's a hedge against your ownself.

FWIW, a book I recommend is Howard Halpern's "How to Break Your Addiction To a Person". It gives you tips on breaking from your addictive relationship. For as we know, EMAs are the crack highs of all crack highs. The breaking up is the Pacific Trenches.

You will do what you need to do when you need to do it. When the pain of STAYING in this dysfunction outweighs the pain of LEAVING the dysfunction.

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