"I am just frustrated and lonely, missing that fun part and the sex too."
I know exactly where you are at. I've been dealing with this for over a year- since her second DDay. The fun was gone, her personality changed, and I had no idea where I stood in her life anymore. I took her seemingly indifferent attitude personally. I tried to break up many times, but it was so hard to let her go. She would call and I'd apologize for expecting too much from her. She said she felt paranoid and afraid her H would discover us again. She could not risk divorce as it would be unthinkable to do that to her DC and she is considered the rock in her family. After all the pain, I have finally accepted that I was being selfish and not being a very good friend. I love her. If that means being there while she goes through this rough time in her life then I will do everything I can for her. I also learned that I needed to trust her- that when she says she loves me, she means it. It's hard to trust someone when you give so much of yourself with little in return, but in my heart I know she would do the same for me.
Her husband has recently asked for a D. She is a mess and I want to be there to support her. I am a mess too, but my marriage is intact. I have no idea what the future will bring.
Yes, for the first few years we had a lot of fun and a lot of great sex. Now she needs a great friend.
Edited 11/14/2009 12:31 pm ET by guywholovestoomuch
Believe me, the lack of physical contact is aweful!! It's frustrating to meet up with her and all I want to do is get down her pants and she is in a totally different place mentally. Now I just do some "self care" before I meet with her and that helps. I know, TMI. I mean, I do want to be there for her- she means more than just sex to me. I think if this guy means a lot to you, then hopefully you can accept what the relationship has become. I learned to not expect anything from her. Not sure how long I can do it though.
After re-reading my post I realized I didn't really answer your question! When I would say mean things to her about her lack of being fun and lack of physical contact, I would feel sooo guilty because I knew she was having a hard time at home and she was paranoid. But she never left me. That meant a lot to me. That with the risk she was taking by staying in contact with me she was showing that I meant a lot to her. So, yes, I would feel aweful leaving her even though it totally hurts to have little fun or physical contact. I think I stay because I love her. If I didn't, then I would probably have left long ago so I could move on.
**edited to reduce the "eww!" factor. Sorry for those who read it before my edit (still not sure if it's any better).
Edited 11/14/2009 1:53 pm ET by guywholovestoomuch
Edited 11/14/2009 8:48 pm ET by guywholovestoomuch
I was in much the same position as you. What I did was to wrap my head around the fact that although he was great in bed and a good friend he could not be both to me when I needed it. So, I says to myself,
Hi nomore- I'm sorry you are going through all this pain. I've read some of your posts and it sounds like you are feeling the pain of realizing that his expectations of this A aren't the same as yours. He does not sound like he is leaving his marriage- 2 young children, religious and family pressures, etc. Also, for half his marriage he has had you to fulfill what was lacking in his marriage. He has never had to feel the full pain of his bad relationship with his wife. For both your sakes you need to stop having contact with him so he can understand what his marriage is really like and you can move on. I don't think he has lied to you- I'm sure he does love you, but at his stage in life it's not a life changer.
I feel kinda silly giving advice. I'm pretty much in your shoes and I am going nuts trying to figure out what's real and what the future holds for me. My AP is going through a D after a DDay a couple of years ago. Ever since then I have been on the back burner. It's even worse now that she is so depressed with him wanting to get a D. Her big thing is that she is afraid of what the kids and family will think of her. I can understand that, but it would be a lot easier for me if she was more "yippee! I can be with now!". Even then, I've got my whole marriage and kids thing to worry about... Oy.
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Dear NY--again agree with you.
"I am just frustrated and lonely, missing that fun part and the sex too."
I know exactly where you are at. I've been dealing with this for over a year- since her second DDay. The fun was gone, her personality changed, and I had no idea where I stood in her life anymore. I took her seemingly indifferent attitude personally. I tried to break up many times, but it was so hard to let her go. She would call and I'd apologize for expecting too much from her. She said she felt paranoid and afraid her H would discover us again. She could not risk divorce as it would be unthinkable to do that to her DC and she is considered the rock in her family. After all the pain, I have finally accepted that I was being selfish and not being a very good friend. I love her. If that means being there while she goes through this rough time in her life then I will do everything I can for her. I also learned that I needed to trust her- that when she says she loves me, she means it. It's hard to trust someone when you give so much of yourself with little in return, but in my heart I know she would do the same for me.
Her husband has recently asked for a D. She is a mess and I want to be there to support her. I am a mess too, but my marriage is intact. I have no idea what the future will bring.
Yes, for the first few years we had a lot of fun and a lot of great sex. Now she needs a great friend.
Edited 11/14/2009 12:31 pm ET by guywholovestoomuch
Hi Guy, so nice to have male perspective too.
Believe me, the lack of physical contact is aweful!! It's frustrating to meet up with her and all I want to do is get down her pants and she is in a totally different place mentally. Now I just do some "self care" before I meet with her and that helps. I know, TMI. I mean, I do want to be there for her- she means more than just sex to me. I think if this guy means a lot to you, then hopefully you can accept what the relationship has become. I learned to not expect anything from her. Not sure how long I can do it though.
After re-reading my post I realized I didn't really answer your question! When I would say mean things to her about her lack of being fun and lack of physical contact, I would feel sooo guilty because I knew she was having a hard time at home and she was paranoid. But she never left me. That meant a lot to me. That with the risk she was taking by staying in contact with me she was showing that I meant a lot to her. So, yes, I would feel aweful leaving her even though it totally hurts to have little fun or physical contact. I think I stay because I love her. If I didn't, then I would probably have left long ago so I could move on.
**edited to reduce the "eww!" factor. Sorry for those who read it before my edit (still not sure if it's any better).
Edited 11/14/2009 1:53 pm ET by guywholovestoomuch
Edited 11/14/2009 8:48 pm ET by guywholovestoomuch
I was in much the same position as you. What I did was to wrap my head around the fact that although he was great in bed and a good friend he could not be both to me when I needed it. So, I says to myself,
Yes--have thought of that. But seriously, all the worrying about him, home and DH and then take on a "lover"?????????????????
Hi Guy-
I was reading this thread, then came upon your thoughts and realizing you are a guy...I could really use some help.
5 years...both married.
Hi nomore- I'm sorry you are going through all this pain. I've read some of your posts and it sounds like you are feeling the pain of realizing that his expectations of this A aren't the same as yours. He does not sound like he is leaving his marriage- 2 young children, religious and family pressures, etc. Also, for half his marriage he has had you to fulfill what was lacking in his marriage. He has never had to feel the full pain of his bad relationship with his wife. For both your sakes you need to stop having contact with him so he can understand what his marriage is really like and you can move on. I don't think he has lied to you- I'm sure he does love you, but at his stage in life it's not a life changer.
I feel kinda silly giving advice. I'm pretty much in your shoes and I am going nuts trying to figure out what's real and what the future holds for me. My AP is going through a D after a DDay a couple of years ago. Ever since then I have been on the back burner. It's even worse now that she is so depressed with him wanting to get a D. Her big thing is that she is afraid of what the kids and family will think of her. I can understand that, but it would be a lot easier for me if she was more "yippee! I can be with now!". Even then, I've got my whole marriage and kids thing to worry about... Oy.
You are so right.
Hi kat--agree.
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