First Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
First Affair
21
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 8:28pm

A little over 4 years ago I met the "perfect" man. To be blunt (I guess I may as well be if I want to provide a true history of this relationship) I had never stuggled to find romance but I decided this was "the one" and we got married just over a year later and have now been married for almost 3 years. The problem is that I have since realised that H is THE stereotypically "perfect" guy... not MY perfect guy and that I have made a huge mistake. H is a good guy and generally a good H but there is just no spark and in spite of an outwardly good marriage (my friends and family all love him) I am unhappy and feel terribly lonely. Having realised this a while ago I started trying to make changes and eventually worked up the courage to tell H I was unhappy and why but H just doesn't listen to me and everything carries on just the same. I don't want to leave H I just need something more.

I had been longing to get a bit of the spark back for some time, to feel attractive again, when I recently bumped into an old friend with whom there had been a spark but due to it being the wrong time in our lives we had never got together. He was keen to meet me to catch up and after a few misgivings I agreed to do so. Nothing happened but we talked a lot and the chemistry was definitely still there and are difinitely now having an EA. I now know I want things to go further but having never done this before I really just don't know what to do. I don't know if going down this road will make me feel better or just destroy my marriage and although I want this man I definitely feel like I am letting my husband down. On the other hand I did approach our marriage issues in an honest straightforward way including suggesting relationship counselling which given his complete lack of response sort of makes me feel I am now entitled to take another route... after all we only live once. Anyway, I don't currently feel able to discuss this with any of my friends and any advice from anyone more experienced than me would be greatly appreciated :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: masa2014
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 11:44pm

I understand your desire for "more" but having an affair will only complicate matters.  If your husband isn't responsive to the idea of counseling, then YOU go yourself.  You can talk to someone who will be understanding of your feelings, and hopefully suggest ways of fixing things, or maybe even suggest that it's time to end the marriage.  If you break your leg, you don't just hop around on the other leg, you fix the broken leg.  Your marriage is broken in your eyes, so you need to fix it before you get involved with someone else.....and just a word of caution:  If this old friend shows no respect for YOUR marriage, then he doesn't have much respect for marriage in general.  If he's willing to cheat WITH you, how do you know that he wouldn't cheat ON you?   Of course, you didn't say he would cheat with you, but that will be the next step, and you admit you want that.  Don't do it until you've tried to fix your marriage, and if it can't be fixed, then end it.  Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
In reply to: ctown75
Sun, 03-23-2014 - 2:09am

fissatore-You do know the name of this board is[My Affair support]because from YOUR reponses from this poster and the one before you are not here for that.There are plenty of other boards to come down on people if YOU want to do THAT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: masa2014
Sun, 03-23-2014 - 3:39am

Fissatore gave you some excellent advice. As a Christian, I don't agree with the statement 'you only live once'. On this world, yes, that is true but this life isn't all there is. But even if it were, we still all reap what we sow. If you decide to have an A with this man, your H will find out. Don't labor under the delusion that he won't; he most definitely will sooner or later. The truth always comes out.

There are many posts on these boards of people who found out the hard way what the consequences of adultery are. Women who committed suicide when their AP ended the A, men and women both who lost their families, home, friends, jobs, finances, health and respect.  

Don't use the excuse 'you only live once' to have an A.  Justifying an A is an insult to yourself. When you married your H, you lost all 'entitlement' to have an A. If you are that unhappy in the marriage, get a divorce before you pursue the OM. In any event, Iike Fissatore, I'd urge you to get individual counseling whether your H goes or not. Whether you divorce your H or not having a A is not going to solve your problems but will most definitely add to them. Almost all relationships that begin as A's never last. And as Fissatore said, if he will cheat with you, he'll cheat ON you. You and your H both deserve better than that. Life is hard enough; don't invite pain into your life.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
In reply to: ctown75
Sun, 03-23-2014 - 9:00am

Knowing that this is [My affair support] I will say this. If you have tried everything[counseling,talking date nights ect] and he is not responding then you have two choices divorce or live your life around him,if he is not will to change what does he think might happen.You need to look closely at the pros and cons of what it will do to you and what might happen if your husband does find out and how you will deal with that.Being a person that has almost died twice you do only have one life to live,but before you act look at everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 03-23-2014 - 10:59am

Well the thing is that the original poster hasn't started an affair yet and seems confused about whether she wants to go down that road so I think that it's appropriate in that situation for people to discourage it if they see fit.  It's different from people who are in affairs already and don't want to end them--they have to come to that decision on their own.  I do think it's interesting that we don't see a lot of responses here saying "yes, having an affair was a great decision that I made--you should do it too" because I think that generally affairs don't end well.  Occasionally I think that some married people who don't want to get divorced can be satisfied with an affair but generally that doesn't seem to be the case.  It seems to just cause additional stress in the long run even though it can temporarily make them happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
In reply to: ctown75
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 12:37am

If people want to disagree fine,but it all comes down to how you say it.The nice thing about this board is that people who are having affairs should feel comfertable posting here and not beaten down,because then people just stop coming here.There are many other boards where people can get beat down if they even mention they had an affair,thinking of having one or are having one. It was nice for me to be able to come to a site and talk out my situation even though it was not close to an affair,I recived some good reponses.That the way every one should feel. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 10:48am

1. I didn't come down on anyone!  2.  Is your idea of "support" on this board to say "hey, good work!  I'm supporting your affair?"  I'm trying to support the person, not the affair.  She has mixed emotions and I've seen enough affairs to know that's what happens in the beginning, and then the excitement wears off......and leaves other emotions.  Fear (of getting caught), reailzation that it's no longer exciting, etc.  I said nothing wrong, I advised caution and offered options.  An affair is not a fix for problems, it adds to problems.  If she's reconnected with someone from her past, then she needs to assess her marriage, fix it if she can or if she wants to, end it if that's what she wants to do,  and then persue something with this man.  I've seen marriages and families torn apart by affairs, and when the dust settles, the new Mr. or Ms. "wonderful" isn't any better than the old one.  Just sayin'!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 11:27am

I have been in counselling for over a year. My husband refuses to go. I have spent that entire year trying to "fix" it and got nowhere. I'm exhausted with trying and getting nowhere and until AP came along was honestly at the point of thinking no-one would ever want me again. Sadly leaving is not an option at the moment or I would.

I did find your comment a bit blunt/harsh/judgemental in tone given that I had posted on a forum for support for people having affairs.

It's over anyway

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 11:35am

Thank you to Ctown for the support. I did not expect to be "beat down" posting on this forum I was looking for advice and support from people in similar situations and even sympathy for how miserable I am in my marriage. Most of the responses were not what I was looking for and Ctown is right that this will stop people from posting. I did not expect people to say "go ahead, great idea" but I did expect a little more support and sympathy rather than to just be told to fix my marriage which I have already tried to do. Believe me I have been beating myself up about this situation all day every day

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 11:44am
Hi Masa, I've been involved with someone for almost 5 years and I didn't have this board or any support to tell me to weigh the pros and cons of the situation. Right now you are lacking and looking to fill a void. You are very vulnerable. I would think this through and make a list of both of there qualities and see which is best for you. Once you open Pandora's box there is no turning back. I thought I could of simply entertained something physical no strings attached and before I knew it I was deep in. Its addicting and if the chemistry is great you get that much more of a high. You say leaving is not an option so have you considered telling him what your plans are? I wish you the best.

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