First Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
First Affair
21
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 8:28pm

A little over 4 years ago I met the "perfect" man. To be blunt (I guess I may as well be if I want to provide a true history of this relationship) I had never stuggled to find romance but I decided this was "the one" and we got married just over a year later and have now been married for almost 3 years. The problem is that I have since realised that H is THE stereotypically "perfect" guy... not MY perfect guy and that I have made a huge mistake. H is a good guy and generally a good H but there is just no spark and in spite of an outwardly good marriage (my friends and family all love him) I am unhappy and feel terribly lonely. Having realised this a while ago I started trying to make changes and eventually worked up the courage to tell H I was unhappy and why but H just doesn't listen to me and everything carries on just the same. I don't want to leave H I just need something more.

I had been longing to get a bit of the spark back for some time, to feel attractive again, when I recently bumped into an old friend with whom there had been a spark but due to it being the wrong time in our lives we had never got together. He was keen to meet me to catch up and after a few misgivings I agreed to do so. Nothing happened but we talked a lot and the chemistry was definitely still there and are difinitely now having an EA. I now know I want things to go further but having never done this before I really just don't know what to do. I don't know if going down this road will make me feel better or just destroy my marriage and although I want this man I definitely feel like I am letting my husband down. On the other hand I did approach our marriage issues in an honest straightforward way including suggesting relationship counselling which given his complete lack of response sort of makes me feel I am now entitled to take another route... after all we only live once. Anyway, I don't currently feel able to discuss this with any of my friends and any advice from anyone more experienced than me would be greatly appreciated :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 11:59am

Chasing_mya thank you for your comment. I have thought every option round and round a thousand times, including telling my husband. He might accept it in which case it wouldn't be an affair or it might give him the nudge he needs needed to help me try to fix our marriage or it might be a disaster. I can't decide what to do so for the moment I am not doing anything... I keep being tempted by "just once to make me feel better" but I know realistically there would never just be once and since it's already an EA there is no chance of just sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 6:18pm

Hi Masa2014, sorry to hear you are unhappy at barely "3 years" married and it sounds like you have made everything you can to work things out but; may I ask if you work or have any hobbies? Do you go out with friends or go out on dates with your H? It sounds to me like you are probably bored and need some fun activities together...just my 2 cents.

 Sorry about the posters that beat you down...you are not alone, let us know how things go for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
In reply to: masa2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 6:28pm

Hi springflower. I work full time in a good job, have a close circle of friends I see regularly, and my main hobbies are horse riding (I have my own horse) and yoga every week. Affording a horse is not easy but I have a good job, it's a lifetime Hobby and a definitive part of me so I do. I have tried getting back into dating with hubby (one of many things I've tried) he's just not interested... 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2014
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 7:24pm

Well you have a life full of activities...good for you! If you are not happy with your H, why don't you leave him? I know, it's easier said than done, I was on your same shoes many years ago. I married the wrong person and wasn't happy at all...but I stayed and tried my best to be happy. Thing is he wasn't "the one" and trying didn't change the way I feel. My marriage has been broken for years and we've been one year separated and you know what? That's the best thing I've ever done!

Yeah I've been having an affair for 4 years and it has been a roller coaster, but my marriage was already broken when I met my AP. When you find the missing piece in your marriage with someone else, things will never be the same! So be cautious if you really love your husband and I wish you luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 12:18am

I am really sorry that you think I was harsh......I was trying to help you see some possibilities to save your marriage.  You didn't say that you'd been to counseling, you said you suggested it to your husband and he refused, that's all you said.  You say you don't want to end your marriage because you're afraid no other man will ever want you?  Well, you have proof that at least one other man wants you.  Or you think he does.  You said you're thinking of telling your husband about it?  And what do you expect him to do?  Give you permission to have an affair.........or did you mean that you thought if he knew someone else was interested, he would change for you?  Most men, if they suspect someone else is in the picture, will change their ways.  But whether or not the changes last is another question.  If you're not happy in the marriage, and he doesn't change, there's no point to adding an affair to the mix.  It won't fix anything, it will just complicate your life more.  You don't stay in a bad marriage out of fear of being alone.  Being alone is better than being unhappy every day.......and you wouldn't BE alone because you have your friend.  You also have other friends and activities that you enjoy.  You can't be alone when you have all that.  If you're not happy, then it's time for a divorce.  Once you do that, then you will decide what to do next with your life.  Bottom line, it is YOUR life, and you don't live it to make someone else happy, you live it for yourself.  Good Luck whatever you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
In reply to: ctown75
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 12:36am

Last June I had one shot to be with a woman that I really wanted to be with and I asked myself what will happen after the hot intense part ,will it only be one night willl she want more that I can't give her[being there for her Birthday,Holidays,Valentines day ect] and that not fair to her and since she was single and I knew she wanted a man of her own I thought about that plus I thought about what it would do to my wife if she found out since she is a good woman,so I said this because you have to also think about your pros and cons before and mentally seeing the  after effects it that makes since.If you decide to go with it just prepare yourself for the good and bad before hand then make your choice.I am not trying to talk you into it or out of it I am just saying prepare yourself.  To be honest I am still conflicted if I did the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 5:39am

Hi Masa, can i ask you how old you and AP and H are?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
In reply to: rmdp
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 10:57am

It's all about perspective....

I know it feels like Fiss was unduly harsh but support isn't just about telling you that everything you are doing is just great, sometimes you need someone to make you take a good hard look at something unpleasant.

I had an affair that lasted six months - my XH found out, we got divorced.  I would absolutely change things if I could.  I wouldn't change the divorce because that was the right thing for me. My marriage was in a bad place, I tried multiple times to get my XH into counselling, he would go for two or three appointments then stop.  I continued with counselling on my own with the last therapist we consulted - the therapist eventually told me to stop coming because the problems with my XH were never going to change if my XH wasn't comitted to changing (counsellor said outright that wouldn't happen with out extensive therapy).  

I would change the affair because it has tainted my life.  I have been together with my former AP now BF  for 8 years but every now and then,  I feel the guilt resurface.  We are in a happy, comitted relationship and I don't see myself ever being with anyone else BUT I still hate what I did.

If you have a choice, and you do, I would recommend fixing or ending the relationship you are in before you get involved with anyone new.  Take it from the voice of experience, the reprecussions of an affair are long lasting.

Huggs and good luck

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 6:51pm

I think putting out ages of both poster and AP are dangerous on an open-to-the-public forum.  It's too much information, and I have seen discovery days as a result of someone putting two and two together.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
In reply to: ctown75
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 1:57am

RMDP-I would like to ask you a question about your story,after your husband found out did he ever take any responsiblity for your relationship falling apart ? and do you think he thinks about what he could have done differently all the time.