First minor fight...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
First minor fight...
37
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:33am
My OW and I had our first fight last night. It wasn't anything major, more a misunderstanding than anything else. I was trying to explain my fears to her and I ended up accidentally dismissing her fears in the process. I didn't get that at the time though. What I was expecting was for her to tell me everything would be okay and instead she got angry and was quiet. Once I understood the way I made her feel I did apologize, but it turns out she doesn't get over things very quickly. This was my first exposure to her when she is angry and it scared me a bit. I'm the kind of person who wants to talk things out and I forgive and move on easily with someone I love. She appears to be very different and need time to get past things. I'm sure everything will be fine today, but I absolutely hated going to bed last night knowing I upset her. Being this far apart from her, I feel like I have to keep things positive all the time. I can't be there to work through difficult times. How do I deal with negative situations like this? And should I worry that we resolve disagreements differently?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:16am
omaha, sometimes we really don't mean to do things that we do, but we do them anyway. Its OK to have minor disagreements, sometimes you really don't know where the other person is coming from, unless you have been with them for a long time. Its these minor fights that decide whether your R can stand the test of time, so they are sometimes blessings in disguise. DOn't take it to heart. And yes, we women do tend to remember things well.... lol. As long we don't bring it up too often in our fights, its fine.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:34am
Explain to her that what happened wasn't on purpose. And tell her that you need to know how she feels about things, not to get mad and stop talking. My H does it to me and that is the reason we are having such a hard time. I know from reading your past posts that you love her dearly and would do anything for her, but you don't need to worry each time you have a little misunderstanding that she will react this way. Tell her that you are the type of man who likes to get thru the problem and move on, if she feels the way you do for her, she will understand and try and change it. And know that no two people handle things the same way, maybe she'll never be able to change that and you will need to just let her be. Everything will work itself out for you, I know you've gone thru alot for her and you can't let this be the one thing that puts a stop to it. Hang in there you will get past it. And there is no reason you need to be positive all the time, we all have bad days, if she truly believes that you love her than she will understand. You sound like a wonderful and loving man, and to have you would be a blessing, she should know this. I would love to find someone like you. Try and be strong, she will come around, but don't walk on eggshells either. Just reassure her that you love her and will be there for her. I hope everything works out for you two.
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:42am
Well isn't it great that you have been able to identify and understand one of the differences between you two? If you and her were both exactly alike or handled things the same, it may not work as well as it does for you!! It's tempting to say, we've never fought, we must be perfect for each other, but it doesn't really work that way. There will be diagreements and misunderstandings, and my MM and i always say, communication is the key, we think MORESO in these unconventional relationships than normally.

Good luck to you!

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:48am
Ahhh....if only this much thought was given to the primary relationship.......maybe this board didn't exist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:55am
I'm not going to waste a lot of time responding to you anymore phillygirl. But I will say that for you to suggest I didn't dedicate this much thought and concern to my marriage is not only incredibly presumptious, but incredibly wrong. You don't know me and frankly, I'm not sure you know much of anything outside of your own little world. I absolutely have always cared about my wife and to this day I will feel horrible if I hurt her feelings and always apologize and try to talk through things. I'm going to block you now because I find your posts unhelpful and counterproductive. Good luck in sorting out your own situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:00am
The post was not even directed at you but it was meant to be a general thought but I think you are just good at jumping to conclusions and presuming things and then accusing others of that behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:41am
I have a few things to say and please don't take it negatively, just give it some thought. Why would you even consider talking to her about your fears and expecting her to reassure you and to tell you that everything will be OK? It's your place to comfort her and tell her that everything will be OK, HER feelings and fears should be your priority at present, not yours. She is going through a very rough time right now - loving you, wanting to be with you, not knowing when it's going to happen - you name it, and she is very vulnerable at the moment. I know that you are in a tough situation but you are a man for Christ's sake, you have to be strong for her. If you need to vent and whine come here and do it - I did, and it helped a lot, you can be as weak as you want here, but she doesn't need to see you at your weakest point, not now anyway. You should be the one who she turns to for warmth and support, not the other way around. And never go to bed knowing that you upset her. Stay up all night if you need to and talk to her but make sure she is over her hurt and anger.

Sorry, this is an extremely sore spot for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:42am
Interesting that the post was not directed at me yet it was posted in response to my post. I think my instincts are right on. I'm curious as to why you spend so much time on this board when you clearly devalue anything any of us has to say. Does it make you feel better to judge others? Regardless, it is really of no concern to me. I just think you need to consider your own motives for being here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:50am
Believe me, you did not offend me at all. I agree with everything you said. I felt horrible as soon as I let the words leave my mouth. I know that I should be strong for her and that she is in a very difficult situation with me still being at home. I wish I could take it all back but I can't at this point. I am, in fact, human. I would have stayed up all night talking to her to resolve the issue but that isn't how she deals with things. She wanted to be able to sleep on it and she assured me things would be fine today. I can't make her continue to talk to me, not from 350 miles away. Regardless, I did send her two e-mails last night. One was very serious and assured her I am strong and I do believe in her and in us. I also apologized for my moment of weakness and explained where it came from. The other e-mail was more light-hearted and I hope it will make her smile. Unfortunately, she won't be able to read them until later today so I'm left wondering how she is feeling. Again, I'm sure things are fine, but I do feel very vulnerable right now also. Yes, I am a man, but I don't believe that means I have to act like nothing affects me and I don't feel scared at times. But I also recognize that in this situation, I need to try to shield her from my negative thoughts for now. It would be too easy to dwell on those and as you said, she has many herself and she isn't dwelling on them or asking me to resolve them for her. Basically, she's probably a lot stronger person than I am. But I am working on it and hopefully when we are able to be together, we can resolve things in a way that works for both of us. Thanks for your thoughts and opinions. You've given me some things to consider and I do appreciate your perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:14pm
I came to this board, the betrayed board and the end the affair board since I had an emotional affair and was looking for discussions/answers. I did not find many answers here or as Stars said "introspection". The posts are usually just one sided and many posters just tend to focus on the OW/OM's positives. We never hear the H or W's positives other than the fact that they are good people and the person involved in the affair married them since the H or W loved them. We rarely have any discussions on "why" or where we would compare notes.

Your situation interested me since I volunteer at woman's and kids shelter and see many cases where the husband has conveniently fallen in love with another woman while making another one pregnant. I know your situation is different socioeconomic wise, etc etc but I just thought I should perhaps offer you a few alternative thoughts. You seem to have a temper and seem to jump to conclusions about you being judged and pigeonholed but most of what I have said and whenever I have said is a "maybe" and is mentioned in a general sense.

PG

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