First minor fight...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
First minor fight...
37
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:33am
My OW and I had our first fight last night. It wasn't anything major, more a misunderstanding than anything else. I was trying to explain my fears to her and I ended up accidentally dismissing her fears in the process. I didn't get that at the time though. What I was expecting was for her to tell me everything would be okay and instead she got angry and was quiet. Once I understood the way I made her feel I did apologize, but it turns out she doesn't get over things very quickly. This was my first exposure to her when she is angry and it scared me a bit. I'm the kind of person who wants to talk things out and I forgive and move on easily with someone I love. She appears to be very different and need time to get past things. I'm sure everything will be fine today, but I absolutely hated going to bed last night knowing I upset her. Being this far apart from her, I feel like I have to keep things positive all the time. I can't be there to work through difficult times. How do I deal with negative situations like this? And should I worry that we resolve disagreements differently?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:28pm
I think you should read back over your own posts. I find it humorous that you think I have a temper considering I rarely ever get angry in my everyday life. You have very rarely used the term "maybe" or mentioned things in a general sense. Perhaps that is what you intended to say, but in response to my posts most of what you had to offer was judgmental and almost always involved jumping to conclusions.

I understand and appreciate your perspective, but you need to understand the perspective of others as well. How can you say that nothing positive is said about the H or W and then in the same breath say we say they are good people and that we love them. Those seem like pretty positive things to me. I am a very introspective person and if you can't tell that, then you haven't been paying attention. I judge myself all the time and when I come here and open up, I don't expect everyone to agree, but the last thing I need is someone trying to identify me as either ignorant or unfeeling.

If you feel this board isn't helpful, then again, I don't think you're paying attention. Many of the people who frequent this board offer good solid advice and rarely have I seen anyone encouraged to do something that would harm another. People here just understand that nothing is ever really black and white. For instance, you say you volunteer at a women's shelter and that is a tremendous thing. You say you have dealt with "cases where the husband has conveniently fallen in love with another woman while making another one pregnant". Well I don't think conveniently is a wise choice of words. Regardless though, my problems in my M didn't originate with my W's pregnancy or the existence of the OW. And why would you think I would choose to go through this emotional turmoil at this most difficult time? I'm not deserting my W or my child. My W actually makes more money than I do and I intend to continue to be a full time father. In other words, you won't be seeing my W or my children at your shelter. So you're allowing your bias to affect how you view my situation. That's okay. We're all guilty of it at times. But I'm asking you not to continue to do this because it is hurtful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:45pm
I can vouch for the fact that everything I have said is always general...examples...I will say...people in IT...men who are having babies....in the last post I said "if only this much thought was given to the primary relationship"......you always jump the gun and think its "you" who I am talking about. On the contrary most of the things that you say about me are always about me..example ...my little world...bitter person...counterproductive....and all the other personlity traits you have accused me of having, etc etc.

Theres a big difference if you care to notice. Again I realize our posts are probably interrupting either the rosy/romantic or the bed of thorns atmosphere here :)

PG



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:50pm
For what it's worth.....though your comments are general, not always specific, they still sometimes come across as quite hostile, though from the way you respond, you don't intend them to be. Perhaps you should read your posts before actually "posting" them and we'll all do the same thing with our postings. We should all be supportive of each other...what other point is it by being here? I don't come here to be judged, nor do you, I'm sure, nor does anyone else. I just value the input of others who are going through the same thing. Just my .02.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:16pm
I apologize for the things I have said that were hurtful to you. My emotions are very raw at times and when I feel someone is attacking me when I've made myself completely vulnerable, I may lash out in self defense. But I should not have responded in the way I did. I still believe you have aimed many things at me that were not only not helpful, but were in fact attacks based on some preconceived notions you have about me. If you didn't intend that post to be directed at me, then why was it in response to my post??

I also notice you typed a smily face after you mentioned the fact that you realize these posts are interrupting what you call the "rosy/romantic or the bed of thorns atmosphere". That to me signifies that you are not here to lend support, but to stir up chaos. That is the type of thing that many people here take offense to.

Regardless, I do feel bad if I hurt your feelings at all. So please accept my apologies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:33pm
The ":)" is for the fact that I find comedy in any serious situation and like to keep situations light. I just have a particular knack for looking at a situation from two entirely different angles. People like myself are a rarity :)


I absolutely agree I have aimed posts at your particular situation but have not pointed it at "you". Remember there are many men in your situation as there would be women in my situation. When I had the affair with my hubby away from home and me searching for a job, if some body said that I fit in the criteria of a "bored lonely housewife", I could laugh along with it and could find why or why not I fit that criteria.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:52pm
Omaha, you should always be yourself. Don't hide the real you, you've done the right thing by explaining to the OW how you deal with problems. And yes it is healthy to disagree. The only thing I can tell you is when I was the OW, I felt so vulnerable, so insecure, I thought the W held all the cards and all the power. I felt the W could suddenly decide she wanted to keep the H and it would be all over for me.

Not only reassure the OW, let her know that you sometimes feel insecure about her (she'll think you're so cute). Ask her if she really wants to know how you feel and how you are dealing with things or if she would rather be in the dark and wonder. I wanted to know what was going on, unfortunately I was too desperate to evaluate that a lot of what he was doing to her was wrong. It sounds like you are trying your best to do things as close to right as possible in your situation, your OW will appreciate that, just have patience.

To PG it doesn't sound like this guy is having this affair because of lack of sex at home, after all the OW is 350 miles away. I think you are right though that there a large percentage of creeps, that use pregnancy/lack of sex as an excuse. I'm sure you see a lot of it in your volunteer work. And for all the women (like me) who were more than happy to be there for those creeps, we need to evaluate how unhealthy we are/were.

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:23pm
isn't there some kind of all sides of an affair board?? Why doesn't phillygirl just go there??? It's ashame because we don't want to argue, we want to support each other (my affair SUPPORT).

jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:31pm
Because, imo, anyway, the "all sides" board really ISN'T an "all sides" board. The few times I've lurked there, all I read was OW/OM/MM/MW bashing...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:32pm
Then, I think Philly would fit right in. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:34pm
I don't think this is true. What happens is one or two people who clearly have some type of agenda swoop in and begin taking over. Probably what we regular visitors should do is ignore those posters but I don't want people like you to lurk and see all those posts unchallenged. In the meantime, don't let that type of thing keep you from seeking support here because for every bad response I've gotten, I've gotten 10 positive and helpful ones. The support is here if you need it.