First minor fight...
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First minor fight...
| Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:33am |
My OW and I had our first fight last night. It wasn't anything major, more a misunderstanding than anything else. I was trying to explain my fears to her and I ended up accidentally dismissing her fears in the process. I didn't get that at the time though. What I was expecting was for her to tell me everything would be okay and instead she got angry and was quiet. Once I understood the way I made her feel I did apologize, but it turns out she doesn't get over things very quickly. This was my first exposure to her when she is angry and it scared me a bit. I'm the kind of person who wants to talk things out and I forgive and move on easily with someone I love. She appears to be very different and need time to get past things. I'm sure everything will be fine today, but I absolutely hated going to bed last night knowing I upset her. Being this far apart from her, I feel like I have to keep things positive all the time. I can't be there to work through difficult times. How do I deal with negative situations like this? And should I worry that we resolve disagreements differently?

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I understand and appreciate your perspective, but you need to understand the perspective of others as well. How can you say that nothing positive is said about the H or W and then in the same breath say we say they are good people and that we love them. Those seem like pretty positive things to me. I am a very introspective person and if you can't tell that, then you haven't been paying attention. I judge myself all the time and when I come here and open up, I don't expect everyone to agree, but the last thing I need is someone trying to identify me as either ignorant or unfeeling.
If you feel this board isn't helpful, then again, I don't think you're paying attention. Many of the people who frequent this board offer good solid advice and rarely have I seen anyone encouraged to do something that would harm another. People here just understand that nothing is ever really black and white. For instance, you say you volunteer at a women's shelter and that is a tremendous thing. You say you have dealt with "cases where the husband has conveniently fallen in love with another woman while making another one pregnant". Well I don't think conveniently is a wise choice of words. Regardless though, my problems in my M didn't originate with my W's pregnancy or the existence of the OW. And why would you think I would choose to go through this emotional turmoil at this most difficult time? I'm not deserting my W or my child. My W actually makes more money than I do and I intend to continue to be a full time father. In other words, you won't be seeing my W or my children at your shelter. So you're allowing your bias to affect how you view my situation. That's okay. We're all guilty of it at times. But I'm asking you not to continue to do this because it is hurtful.
Theres a big difference if you care to notice. Again I realize our posts are probably interrupting either the rosy/romantic or the bed of thorns atmosphere here :)
PG
I also notice you typed a smily face after you mentioned the fact that you realize these posts are interrupting what you call the "rosy/romantic or the bed of thorns atmosphere". That to me signifies that you are not here to lend support, but to stir up chaos. That is the type of thing that many people here take offense to.
Regardless, I do feel bad if I hurt your feelings at all. So please accept my apologies.
I absolutely agree I have aimed posts at your particular situation but have not pointed it at "you". Remember there are many men in your situation as there would be women in my situation. When I had the affair with my hubby away from home and me searching for a job, if some body said that I fit in the criteria of a "bored lonely housewife", I could laugh along with it and could find why or why not I fit that criteria.
PG
Not only reassure the OW, let her know that you sometimes feel insecure about her (she'll think you're so cute). Ask her if she really wants to know how you feel and how you are dealing with things or if she would rather be in the dark and wonder. I wanted to know what was going on, unfortunately I was too desperate to evaluate that a lot of what he was doing to her was wrong. It sounds like you are trying your best to do things as close to right as possible in your situation, your OW will appreciate that, just have patience.
To PG it doesn't sound like this guy is having this affair because of lack of sex at home, after all the OW is 350 miles away. I think you are right though that there a large percentage of creeps, that use pregnancy/lack of sex as an excuse. I'm sure you see a lot of it in your volunteer work. And for all the women (like me) who were more than happy to be there for those creeps, we need to evaluate how unhealthy we are/were.
jenny
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