First minor fight...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
First minor fight...
37
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:33am
My OW and I had our first fight last night. It wasn't anything major, more a misunderstanding than anything else. I was trying to explain my fears to her and I ended up accidentally dismissing her fears in the process. I didn't get that at the time though. What I was expecting was for her to tell me everything would be okay and instead she got angry and was quiet. Once I understood the way I made her feel I did apologize, but it turns out she doesn't get over things very quickly. This was my first exposure to her when she is angry and it scared me a bit. I'm the kind of person who wants to talk things out and I forgive and move on easily with someone I love. She appears to be very different and need time to get past things. I'm sure everything will be fine today, but I absolutely hated going to bed last night knowing I upset her. Being this far apart from her, I feel like I have to keep things positive all the time. I can't be there to work through difficult times. How do I deal with negative situations like this? And should I worry that we resolve disagreements differently?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:37pm
I'm sorry...I guess I misread your post. I didn't realize there actually was an all-sides board. If so, then I think it definitely would be a place for this type of discussion to take place rather than here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:57pm
Well, Omaha...you know you have my support and you've shown me your support in prior posts. I appreciate your honesty in your writings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:45pm
Well I was hoping I would have heard from her by now but I'm still waiting. She did have a very busy day today so I wasn't sure whether she would be able to e-mail, but I was hoping since we had a disagreement she would at least let me know everything was okay. Now I'm wondering if she's still angry or if she just literally didn't get the chance. She normally calls me at 10:00 so I hope she is able to do that. If not, I'm going to start going crazy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:30pm
Omaha -- can I just tell you that I would give one of my arms if my MM showed as much concern as you do? And Boston -- that whole macho-protect-the-woman-thing just about melted me. We woman like to pretend like it's nonsense, but a little bit of that sheltering is just what the doctor ordered sometimes (sorry ladies, don't mean to be a sell-out). I'm strong, but it's wonderful to know someone wants to protect me sometimes.

Maybe she's also feeling the sting of your first disagreement, and isn't sure how to approach. Give her a little time. From all accounts, you guys have a solid thing going on. Trust it, and you, a little more. I think you're amazing. She'll call!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 9:14am
You know, Sister, I would give one of my arms to be able to go back in time to 2.5 years ago when I pushed her away by not being protective and understanding, and not reaching out to her when she needed it, and considering my precious ego to be more important than my love. I've been given a second chance and I will do anything and then some not to ruin it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:44am

philly, honey, this type of board will ALWAYS exist, because human beings are incredibly selfish when it comes to love, sex and satisfaction.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:55am

boston -- i just know you will do everything you can for her!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:06am
She did call me last night and although she was still upset at the outset of our conversation, she knew I had good intentions and didn't mean to upset her. We were able to talk it out a little more and we actually spent about 3 and 1/2 hours on the phone. So for now, all is well. But I'm still a little upset about the conversation. She's starting college soon and she's going to be living on campus and before me, she had wanted to just party and have fun and enjoy her time there. So the problem we're dealing with is she values me above partying but it is such a long-standing wish she has had that she is having a hard time letting go of it. I've tried to tell her she can have fun and meet people without getting wasted and putting herself in positions she doesn't want to be in. I've read statistics recently that at binge drinking schools (like she will be going to), 1 in 3 women get raped. That terrifies me. I guess I was just hurt she wouldn't automatically say she was willing to be more careful and not put herself in bad situations out of respect for me and herself. The exchange basically came down to me telling her I'm not afraid of hurting her at all but I'm still a little scared she'll hurt me. And then she tells me she's afraid she's going to hurt me too. That is a huge red flag for me. Am I wrong to expect her to not want to get drunk? Am I being overprotective? This whole thing has me thinking she's not ready for the kind of relationship I feel I want and deserve. And just saying that really hurts. I'm hoping she'll come around and realize that what she'd be missing out on by not getting drunk is much less than she'll miss out on by giving me up. But at the same time, I don't want her to feel like she has to choose. Please help me gain some peace of mind here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:19am

ummm, omaha, how old is your OW?

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:35am
I understand what you're saying. But what I'm talking about isn't right now. I'm talking about 6 months from now when I intend to be in a relationship with her. You're right that I cannot tell her how to live her life, even in that situation, but obviously when you're in a relationship with someone, you have to give up certain things. I certainly won't be going out and getting drunk and possibly doing something I'll regret and that is all I ask of her in return. So does that change your perspective on things? Our current plan is to see each other every other weekend and hopefully that will alleviate some of my fears at that time. I guess I just feel like I have the right to expect her to not put herself in that position if and when we are in a committed relationship. And it shouldn't matter if we are 300 miles apart or that she is in college. Again, her age and the situation are the reasons I'm asking if I'm foolish to expect her to be able to handle the type of relationship I want. I know she loves me as much as I love her and neither of us want this to end. I know I just need to trust her.


Edited 4/27/2004 3:05 pm ET ET by omahamm