First minor fight...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
First minor fight...
37
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:33am
My OW and I had our first fight last night. It wasn't anything major, more a misunderstanding than anything else. I was trying to explain my fears to her and I ended up accidentally dismissing her fears in the process. I didn't get that at the time though. What I was expecting was for her to tell me everything would be okay and instead she got angry and was quiet. Once I understood the way I made her feel I did apologize, but it turns out she doesn't get over things very quickly. This was my first exposure to her when she is angry and it scared me a bit. I'm the kind of person who wants to talk things out and I forgive and move on easily with someone I love. She appears to be very different and need time to get past things. I'm sure everything will be fine today, but I absolutely hated going to bed last night knowing I upset her. Being this far apart from her, I feel like I have to keep things positive all the time. I can't be there to work through difficult times. How do I deal with negative situations like this? And should I worry that we resolve disagreements differently?

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Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:40am
i wish i had some really good advice for you here, but i don't. All this relationship stuff can be so hard. Here, since i don't have anything good to say, i'll just say this LOL:

If your OW is MUCH younger than you, then perhaps you should consider that when weighing your decisions. And i don't say that from a point of judgement... my MM is 14 years older than me! But age gaps can impact relationships.

Many people attend college and never drink or party. Some people "grow up" and end up drinking and partying even though college is long over or they never went. (hell i am 28 and just going BACK to college part time!!) But you do want your priorities to be in agreement before you get together.

Perhaps one way to look at this is, if i leave my W, and (worst case scenario), end up alone, will i be *sorry* i left her?? or will i feel that the marriage needed to end and that being alone is ok?? i left my H after meeting MM. i did not leave FOR MM and it's a good thing, because he changed his mind about leaving his wife (which i understand) and now, i am free from my marriage and in an amazing A with my MM. i know leaving was the right thing to do for ME. While it's difficult, try taking OW woman out of the picture and looking at your M objectively, maybe your MC could even help with that.

This is a hard situation, and i feel for you. *if* she is college age (18-20) and is seriously considering letting you slip away for a few nights of binge drinking, she is making a huge mistake. But it would also be a mistake for you to continue in circumstances less than what you had in mind. Look time is on your side. Just don't rush.

Hang in there,

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:48am
I appreciate what you're saying and I have done this. I have basically taken my W out of the discussion for a reason. If my A were to end today, I still would not believe in my M and at best would stay a little longer for my son. I am okay with being alone. I'm just not okay with losing this incredible woman. So taking my M out of the equation, I guess all I can do is proceed with caution. I will love her and trust her and if I end up getting hurt, so be it. Again, I'm hoping that once we're out of our current situation and in a R together, she will change her mind about wanting to party all that much. But if not, then obviously she and I have different priorities. Perhaps I'm jumping the gun here anyway. We can cross that bridge if we come to it. I'm probably worrying about nothing, but what can I say...I'm a worrier. LOL And I figure it is better to vent and get these fears out here so I don't unnecessarily bring them up with her right now when there is nothing either of us can do about it anyway. Thanks for listening. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:10pm
You are so sweet, omaha. I don't know what to say except that you both seem involved in this R more than a little, so that gives me hope. If you mean anything to her I am sure she wouldn't be doing anything that you don't want her to be doing. I can tell you that from experience. There are somethings I would never do for hurting my OM's feelings as that means a lot to me. Sometimes your priorities change because your care about somebody. So, all I can say is give it some time and she will probably come around. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:15pm
Hell, I didn't realize she was that young. But still, I think you are jumping the gun. Be grateful for what you have with her now and don't worry too much about the future (yeah, right!) or at least try not to. If and when it comes to it you will deal with it. Have some faith in her - no matter what she's thinking now about partying, drinking and such she might very well change her mind once the two of you get together for good. As far as getting hurt - look, the only surefire way to avoid getting hurt in a relationship is not to have one. You have to decide what's better - to take a risk or to let it go now and spend the rest of your life wondering "what if."
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:54pm

exactly omaha -- boston is right on.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:37pm
Thank you all for your advice and support. I do realize I need to calm down and approach this from a place of peace. Ultimately, I do believe this woman is worth putting my heart on the line and I have faith and trust in her. I do want her to be able to enjoy her college experience and I know she can do that within the context of our relationship. As you both have suggested, I'm going to sit back and enjoy the love that we have and not worry about things that probably will never happen to begin with. Thanks again for letting me vent and get these fears out and helping me address them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:43pm
you're very welcome.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

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