First Post - Losing Control

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
First Post - Losing Control
19
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:12pm
I’m not really sure if I should be posting here, I say that because I am not having an affair, I have however met someone, a MM who is 20 years my senior and whom I am extremely attracted to who is equally attracted to me. I am currently involved in a relationship with a man I love, who is wonderful to me. My MM also has a wonderful wife he cares a great deal for. I say we are attracted to each other but I almost feel as though “attracted” doesn’t begin to cover it. I have so far refused to even kiss him, as I know that simple act would put both of our relationships in jeopardy and would more than that be the passing of a point of no return. I have thus far been exercising every ounce of self-control I have and yet I cannot stop thinking about him. An hour after I’ve left him I miss him terribly, I lay in bed with my boyfriend at night and cannot sleep because all I can think of is my MM. He says he is going through the same thing and has feelings for me he’s never had for anyone in his life. We talk about what it would be like to be together, but we know that rationally our age difference alone should be enough to be a deal breaker. We know the smart thing to do would be to stay as far away from each other as possible to keep the order in our lives, and yet we are consistently compelled to spend time together. It is as though the need supercedes the logic. And it’s only going to get worse.

We are both actors an in a show together, in the play we fall in love and kiss onstage. From a performance standpoint the love scenes are incredible because the chemistry is almost palpable. But there is more than a month left of the production and I wonder if our will power will hold out, or my will power any way as he has tried to kiss me off-stage on more than one occasion and I continue to hold out. Each day more feelings become more intense and although we have not staged the kiss yet I wonder if I will just come undone when we do. I am not exactly sure what to do. I don’t want to lose my BF nor do I want break up a marriage, but I feel like I am losing control completely. I am posting here to offer up my story for anyone with any thoughts or advice. I often wonder if I will regret holding out more than I would giving in, but at this point I feel so torn in so many directions that I can barely focus. Anyway I’m sorry to ramble; hopefully this will be my first and last epic. Thanks everyone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:33am
Good Morning everyone, thanks for all the posts on my situation. And you all are giving me a lot to think about, I have honestly never questioned his sincerity or the possibility that he, as an actor, is pulling one over on me. As it stands I am still holding out, although the truth be told it looks like it's starting to get to him. like last night, I told him that I can't act on my feelings for him because as a MM he has nothing to offer me he reluctantly agreed that it is true and actually said he respected me for my decision. But the look in his eyes, I've never seen anything like it, you'd think I just told the man his dog died.

The thing is, I don't believe that prior to this there were any problems in his marriage and there certainly weren't any in my life. But since I've met him it's as though every thing has been turned upside down. Neither of us were looking for anything I think this just kind of started growing out of what was initially meant to be nothing more than an amiable working relationship. Maybe it's all a great big test for me, I'm going to have to keep fighting this, what choice do I have? Thanks again guys you're the best.

Mack

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:46pm
mac, honey, you ALWAYS have a choice! that's why there are two paths, you get to decide which one to take, good or bad. free will, yeah!

i think you took the correct step in honestly telling MM what you did. that took a lot of guts. if you're not ready to take a step on that other path, which by the way, is full of open pits and huge hills, stay where you are!

good luck sweetie and keep coming back to us for advice if you need and/or want it.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 3:54pm
Well, it finally happened, deep down I think I knew it would eventually. We staged the kiss last night and once I knew what it was like to kiss him...it was all over for me. All the feelings he has stirred up in me have changed everything. My friends who really know me and know what's going on say that since I have known my MM that I've come back to life, that the light that was once in my eyes is back, and I know it's true. He told me he loves me last night, I believe him but I didn't say it back, even though in my heart I know that I do.

So it's got me thinking about leaving my BF, not to be with my MM because I know that will not happen, he is so much older than me and I know he won't leave his W for me, I wouldn't expect it because it is too dangerous for him, too much of a risk. At my age I have lots of life left, he is actually afraid that one day I would leave him, and then he would be left with nothing and no one, and based on my recent behavior, it could happen, who knows anymore what I'm capable of. But if do leave my BF it will be because my MM has shown me that the things I desperately long for in a man and in love do exist, things that my BF lacks, things I had given up on because I was just so grateful to find anyone who loved me, let alone loves me the way my BF does. But even so I am coming to believe that he might not be the one for me.

So, I'm having a pretty rough day girls, I kissed my MM last night before I left him, off-stage, so I guess I am officially in an A. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I knew I couldn't fight how I felt forever. Well just an update. So am I officially in the club?

Hello my name is Mack and I am having an Affair...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 3:57pm
welcome to the "ride" lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 4:25pm
okay, i'm officially throwing in the towel.....

hello my name's gurl and i having an affair........

welcome to the "club" honey. hang on and stay on the board! you'll need us!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 6:26pm
Have you ever considered what your experiencing with this MM is just a crush?

I don't think there's anything wrong with having the occassional crush throughout an otherwise good long term realtionship. I think a lot of people have them and it actually helps them to get through the occassional lull in a healthy relationship. We all miss the excitement of something new once we settle into a serious relationship it's why affairs are so exciting they never seem to get old or boring.

Also, It wouldn't be the first time a young actress was swept away by an older attractive leading man. It's such an unusual set of circumstances to have to act like you love a person and while I've never done it I can certainly understand how confusing it must be to have act out all these strong emotions without truly feeling them. I can see how it would be very easy to become confused between a chacter you play and reality.

My advice, think it through before you do act on it. If you really are happy with your BF and have a good relationship, where you can communicate with each other about your problems and you truly love and respect each other, why jepardize it over a physical attraction that may pass.

Just my two cents.

Nick

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 6:30pm
My apologies. I hadn't finished reading the entire thread. Obviously if you found your BF lacking, what I said doesn't really apply as that wouldn't be a good relationship.

Just remember that the only thing you have any control over is you and that you should never, ever settle for anything that doesn't truly make you happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 6:48pm

((((((mac))))))


I'd like to clarify something I'd said earlier- something that was misinterpreted by someone who irritated me significantly. My thought in my earlier post (in this thread) was that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 9:13pm
HI Mac

It sounds like you did a lot of settling when you entered the R with B/F like he did you a favor or something by accepting you, If that is how you see it why do you see it that way.

It seems you my be under valueing yourself and your worth to other people,if so stop settling your young and full of passion if B/F Is not the one for you then find the real one, someone the youth passion and eneregy to go the distance with you.

YOU ARE YOUNG BUT ONE IN A LIFETIME.

FREE

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