first post-my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2003
first post-my story
3
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 12:32pm
I've been lurking here for the last few days, after accidentally stumbling across this message board. It's been a god-send. I've been on the verge of entering some sort of counseling for the last few months, but have put it off. I think I can get all the counseling I need on here. :-)

I have felt very alone during the last few months and am grateful to find I am not the only MW out there who is having an A. I am typically a person who loves to share life's adventures with others, but while having an A, you can't do that, at least, not with family or friends in the area. I have been fortunate to be able to share my story with a dear friend who lives some distance away and he doesn't judge me, which is what I'm afraid a counselor or therapist would do. I don't need any moral judgments; I just need to be able to share in my excitement and frustrations with my OM.

I do feel I'm in a somewhat unique situation, but then again, maybe I'm wrong. I've been with my H for 6 years, married for almost 5. We have no children; in fact, not being able to conceive children is part of the problem within our marriage. Long story short, in a little over a year, he has barely touched me and when we do have sex, he gives oral to me. I have tried to be patient and understanding as he approached doctors about his inabilities, but their solutions have not worked. (And by that, I mean, Viagra does NOTHING for him.) I bought a self-help book, which normally I don't believe in those types of things, and left it around for him to see, but he's never brought the subject up. I instead turned to my old haunting grounds, the internet. It must also be understood, that hubby, from the moment I moved in with him, has maintained his nightly chat sessions online on HIS computer and we have this "understanding" about cyber sex. So, initially, I was looking just for someone to chat with in the evenings on MY computer, share some fantasies, some sexy e-cards, nothing in person, nothing face to face. But my OM has this magnetism that just pulled me in and next thing I knew, we were meeting for coffee and other things. Since January, we have met almost once every week for some sort of togetherness. We have been daring, which is part of the excitement, by being at his place once and at my place several times. I think part of the reason we take such risks, is maybe, deep down, we want to get caught. Stir things up a bit, so to speak. But on the other hand, neither one of us wants out of our current committed situations. What started out as strictly sex, has now added an emotional side to it for me, of which I'm not able to discuss with OM, AT ALL. We touched on the subject one time, and it freaked him out. So now I keep that to myself, too.

There's so much more I could say, but I don't want to ramble on and sound like a foolish school girl with a crush, or some equally lame metaphor. I just want to be able to get it all off my chest, and hear from other people that I'm not crazy or stupid, people who understand what all of this is about. I have found that my single friends just don't get it, hell, I didn't get it, until it happened. When I got married, I certainly didn't see myself in this sort of situation.

Thanks for letting me share and maybe I'll be daring and post more at a later date.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:36pm
jennah

welcome to the board, and you don't have to feel daring to post here as long as you don't reveal toooo much personal info.

Seems like things are working out pretty good for you and your MM. Just be careful you don't get caught even if you think you want to. He may turn on you in a heart beat.

Stick around and let us know how things go

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:54pm
Hi Jenna, welcome to our little corner of pseudo-sanity... at least we're all sort of crazy in similar, familiar ways.

First... counseling... this board is terrific day to day conversation, sympathy and friendship (not to mention some good laughs) but it is not a substitute for one on one conversation with another person. It's a useful supplement, but I encourage you to try counseling for yourself.

I was worried about the same thing you are when I went to a therapist. I went to a wonderful woman whom I sized up pretty well right off and then just told her everything. Probably the longest hour of her professional career. She got the WHOLE thing including my sex life and so forth. Poor woman. But she didn't judge at all, she was very good at asking my questions and putting me in a position to see things; she never gave me solutions, she gave me the tools and insight to find my own solutions. A good therapist should be doing that, not judging or giving instructions.

As for your A... well, I'll be honest. I understand your A. Everyone needs contact from other people -- physical contact, touching, and usually sex.

It's your M I don't understand. For my part, I just can't conceive of being with someone who told me they were going to have cyber with someone else and I was just going to have to accept it. Uh-uh, no way. I'm not judging, I'm just saying. Cyber is ever *harder* to live up to in some ways because of it's fantastic nature, and confessed regular cyber facing me every day would just put me off. I have to tell you that for me, this is a massive Red Flag, waving like it's being pounded by gale winds.

It really sounds like you are pretty normal and that your expectations are normal. Who wouldn't rather spend some time sharing coffee and physical contact with someone interested in them? I think your H needs serious counseling if this was an issue from the moment you moved in with him. My A started online, but not until four years of bad marriage made me feel ok about looking elsewhere for what I wasn't getting at home. I would expect 99% of people who were told, "look I'm going to have cyber sex with strangers every night" would pass. I can sort of understand open or swinging relationships, but sheesh -- this is sort of different.

Anyway... welcome to the board, and I hope you'll keep sharing and posting, and please don't take too much offense at what I've said. I guess I'm just hopelessly confused by your H... then again, I guess you are too.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 6:02pm
Thanks for the input. You are correct about home, and you're not the first person to tell me that my situation at home is f***ed up. I think I'm just too much of a wimp and have let him do what he does online, because he used to give me the attention I craved and so it didn't bother me. Most people also assume that he is having an A outside the M, but in all honesty, he doesn't leave his desk long enough for that to happen. I used to get angry because I felt he was sharing all these private thoughts and ideas with strangers, but now, I just don't care anymore. Especially after the things I have been doing. And I tell you, I've done some outrageous things with my OM and wouldn't take any of it back in a heartbeat! I had no idea sex could be so much fun!

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks and I'll sleep on the counseling issue.