First time

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
First time
15
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 3:28pm
Hi,

I'm new to writing on the ivillage message board.

After reading many different posts I would appreciate any feedback.

I met a married man online several months ago. He told me immediately he is living with his wife and kids though are seperated. We saw eachother several times a week.

He makes me feel great with the attention and caring he gives me. However, now I am feeling a sense that he won't ever leave his wife. Let me add he is 20 yrs older than I am and in the beginning I thought this was just fun and wasn't sure where this was going. He talks about divorcing his wife and how they don't get along. Reason they are not living apart is because neither wants to leave there home. I don't understand how two people who can't stand eachother can bear to live in the same house. In the beginning he said it was going to be soon, that he is looking for a place, but now it his answers are I'm not sure when that will happen though he says he wants it to happen. I'm I a fool?

I am single, no children and have never been married.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 3:46pm
Well, it does sound kind of suspicious to me. I can't imagine living with someone I want to divorce, but that's just me. What does your gut tell you about the situation? KC
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 4:14pm
He tells me they fell out of love. One day she told him to leave and he wouldn't. So she moved her stuff out of their bedroom into another room. They have been living this way for over a year now. He tells me they don't have meals together, however share custody of their children. They haven't been intimate either for over a year. He said it happened once, however afterwards, things went back to bad. He told me one day his wife found out and he won't be able to see me for a while. Also that her lawyer may contact me if their divorce goes to trial. He asked me to wait for him. I said I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. He said, I know you deserve a real relationship, however he is happy she knows, now their divorce will go through faster... that was about 3 months ago, now I feel like we are back to our old ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 8:55pm
Seerosey,

Since you asked for advice, here’s my 2 cents and its intended for you and not for anybody else drawing personal inferences from it. Majority of men that cheat do that because of sexual reasons (as women do because of emotional reasons). You may already know this since you met your MM online and have probably experienced invites from all other married men asking you for sex. Some of these men may have terrible marriages on the side, many don't. For the men whose sexual needs are not met by their wives, their other needs are still met by their SO's. So although these men might still be asking women online for sex and painting very terrible pictures about their marriages, it may not be true in all its entirety. That being said, it’s very possible that your MM may never divorce his wife. You should keep your options open.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 8:39am
Thank you for your view. It is hard to believe I am falling for someone that could be so devious. I like to think I have good judgement on character and now I'm finding I'm doing a horrible thing by letting this go on while he has a family on the side.

I just had a conversation with him last night and he tries to reassure me his family life is not really a good life. He wants to get out, but there are so many complications.

I've attempted to cut it off a couple of times now, but him calling to see how I am and telling me he misses me, I let myself get sucked right back in.

He has also said to me that I deserve a real relationship and he is sorry he is in the situation he is in but he likes me so much and wishes his situation was different.

Since he has said I deserve a real relationship but I am settling for this one, I wonder if he is testing to see how I see myself. Like, because I am settling for this situation,

does he see me as a low-self esteem, fool, a type of girl he would never think of getting serious with if she can be running around with a married man?

As much as I say I am confused, I know deep down inside I do deserve to be number 1 but my emotions take over any effort I want to move on from this.

Thank you for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:49am
I don't think you need to assume that your MM has a happy home life and is just lying to you. It is certainly true that there are men like that out there. It is also true that there are many people who are married and shouldn't be. None of us can tell you which situation applies to your MM. It is possible it is a little bit of each.

You certainly do need to keep your options open and try to live your life. You have no guarantees from this man and it sounds like he is having a very hard time making a decision to leave. Believe me, I know how difficult it is, especially when children are involved. But if he truly wanted to get out, he could.

So don't wait for him. If you want to keep seeing him, that is your prerogative. But don't let him monopolize your life. Try putting yourself first and if this man does want a future with you, he'll come around. If not, then find someone who does. You deserve that. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:51am
Hello seerosey,

I think the other thing you should take into consideration is the fact that he is 20 years older than you, and already has children.

Do you want children of your own eventually?

If you do, you may want to ask yourself, whether it's worth waiting for a man, that may not be willing to provide you with the family you deserve.

Just my 2 cents.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:00am
Omahamm - are you seeing anyone else besides a mm?

If so, I don't understand how a person can carry two torches for two different people.

I totally agree I should keep my options open, but I can only seem to have feelings for one person at a time. And like you said, he may come around. But when? and how long is too long?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:03am
red-

I do not want to give birth to any children. Besides he had a V!

I can't believe I'm saying all of this out loud on a public site.

I hope his W doesn't read this...

Has anyone ever gotten caught posting their R on this site?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:09am
I know of a couple of boardies who did get caught.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
In reply to: seerosey
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:32am
I wanted to share with you all, when I get blue, I think of these lyrics. I even shared them with my mm and he said to me you are incredible..

What am I to you

Tell me darling true

To me you are the sea

Vast as you can be

And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low

To whom else do you go

See I cry if you hurt

I'd give you my last shirt

Because I love you so

If my sky should fall

Would you even call

Opened up my heart

I never want to part

I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes

I can feel the butterflies

I love you when you're blue

Tell me darlin true

What am I to you

Yah well if my sky should fall

Would you even call

Opened up my heart

Never want to part

I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes

I can feel the butterflies

Could you find a love in me

Could you carve me in a tree

Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue

Tell me darlin true

What am I to you

What am I to you

What am I to you

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