First time
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First time
| Mon, 04-26-2004 - 3:28pm |
Hi,
I'm new to writing on the ivillage message board.
After reading many different posts I would appreciate any feedback.
I met a married man online several months ago. He told me immediately he is living with his wife and kids though are seperated. We saw eachother several times a week.
He makes me feel great with the attention and caring he gives me. However, now I am feeling a sense that he won't ever leave his wife. Let me add he is 20 yrs older than I am and in the beginning I thought this was just fun and wasn't sure where this was going. He talks about divorcing his wife and how they don't get along. Reason they are not living apart is because neither wants to leave there home. I don't understand how two people who can't stand eachother can bear to live in the same house. In the beginning he said it was going to be soon, that he is looking for a place, but now it his answers are I'm not sure when that will happen though he says he wants it to happen. I'm I a fool?
I am single, no children and have never been married.
I'm new to writing on the ivillage message board.
After reading many different posts I would appreciate any feedback.
I met a married man online several months ago. He told me immediately he is living with his wife and kids though are seperated. We saw eachother several times a week.
He makes me feel great with the attention and caring he gives me. However, now I am feeling a sense that he won't ever leave his wife. Let me add he is 20 yrs older than I am and in the beginning I thought this was just fun and wasn't sure where this was going. He talks about divorcing his wife and how they don't get along. Reason they are not living apart is because neither wants to leave there home. I don't understand how two people who can't stand eachother can bear to live in the same house. In the beginning he said it was going to be soon, that he is looking for a place, but now it his answers are I'm not sure when that will happen though he says he wants it to happen. I'm I a fool?
I am single, no children and have never been married.

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I agree with you in that I am the type of person who only wants to see one person at a time. I was just trying to suggest you continue to live your life independent of him. It doesn't have to be dating someone else, just go out and have fun.
I can't tell if I'm mad or sad.
And I don't think it is healthy to keep this bottled inside.
I think I want this to end. It doesn't feel right.
Can somoeone please help me realize this is not a good situation for me!
You want this to end. I can give you some things to consider. If it sounds harsh, excuse it. Again this is for Seerosey to consider and not for the purpose of starting a general debate by anybody else. If you object to what’s in here, then please don’t read it:
1)He is married to somebody else. If he has doubts about leaving his marriage that means there is still something good in that marriage. Maybe his wife does everything else for him but they don’t share a good intimate life or she doesn’t give him the ego boost that men need. Maybe she is a very good mother and takes good care of his home but has not given his the attention that he desires. Maybe she is not even aware of her shortcomings and her husband has not revealed to her that he is on the verge of an affair or already has had affairs. Its so important for the SO to know the severity of the situation so that they get at least one chance to fix something before the cheating spouse takes a plunge emotionally or sexually. Anyway what I was saying that sometimes there are many plusses of the W that the husband never reveals to the OW because lets say if they do how can they then justify that they still want to cheat. In many cases it’s a near perfect marriage but only the difference in libido between H and W that causes a man to cheat.
2)If you are in your teens or in your early twenties chances are that you might grow out of this phase of loving this man (a 20 years older guy with probably grown kids) who you think is very suited to you but later on when you are more mature, you may not think the same.
3)You might love this man for the wrong reasons. Research has shown that women who haven’t had a strong father figure while they were growing up have a greater tendency to fall for guys much older than themselves since those older guys provide them with that sense of security and adoration that they had missed while growing up.
4)There are no certain chances that he is available for you. Do you want to spend major portion of your life while this persons fights his own personal battles and decides what he wants to do with his life and wife? He may never divorce his wife…if you doubt that….look at the cases here on this board by women who are still waiting for their OMs to divorce their wives. The married women here at least have something going on in their own lives and maybe don’t need to impose deadlines. But you are single and free. You have a life in front of you. You could marry a man who has never cheated on anybody and who can be your soulmate and who can make you as much or more happy than this man is making you. Why would you want to put your life or all your child bearing years on hold for a man who may never be yours? Do you want to be old and bitter and still waiting for this man?
5)He is 20 years older. He has had a vasectomy. It might be reversible. It might not be. He is done with kid bearing. You are not. When you are 30 and still young, he would be 50. Think about that. He may have to face health issues then that you at 30 may never have encountered for your husband had he been younger. You really want to do that. He might die earlier than you do because of age difference.
6)This issue is controversial but he could have had a vasectomy if he didn’t want to have more kids with his wife OR he may not want to get anybody pregnant while sowing his oats. In either case, you need to know if he has cheated before. If he has, what guarantees you have that he may not cheat on you. I assume that you are young and you have a full life ahead of you. Why settle for second best or to be the second best yourself ?
Those are the things I could think of now but I suggest that you impose No Contact or slowly tailor off your time with him. Go out, date, enjoy your life and pray that another man comes along your way who is able to win your love and heart.
Hugs
PG
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