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first time
| Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:09pm |
I posted here for the first time last week, and with all the stuff that's been going around the past few days, I'm a little nervous to post again. But I have to ask....
my mm and had sex for the first time yesterday, and I wanted to know how you all felt after that happened... did you feel different? Did you look at each other different? Do you think differently about each other? I'm totally falling for him.. and even more now that we've shared more with each other.
Thanks!!!
my mm and had sex for the first time yesterday, and I wanted to know how you all felt after that happened... did you feel different? Did you look at each other different? Do you think differently about each other? I'm totally falling for him.. and even more now that we've shared more with each other.
Thanks!!!

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after the first time with OM i was giddy, distracted, sated and wanted to do it some more!!
but as for the "love" part, no way jose. too many complications. you need to realize that an A is extra, on-the-side. not the primary R. enjoy it for what you get out of it, but please try not to blow it up in your head into a love situation. keep it simple and enjoy!!
life
I'm very giddy, happy, relaxed. Comfortable.... I like that word. we are very comfortable with each other. More than I ever expected. Thanks!!! : )
For me, the sexual aspect of our A, came after I had fallen in love - and the act on my part was to show him how much he means to me. My feeling after the first time only reinforced those feelings. And yes, I wanted more. I wanted and needed to give myself completely to him.
I can't even describe it. I had only felt this way once before - and it was for my H.
Passion and desire did come into play, but for me it was an overwhelming feeling of "this is how much I love you". He also knows my sexual history, so it did have huge meaning to him as well.
And, as much as it devastated my H, he also knows that I don't give my body without love and said that is what hurts the most - "It's not so much that you gave your body, but you gave him your heart, your mind, and your soul as well" I said "Well, without heart, mind and soul, there would have been no body".
That's about all I have to contribute for now.
Take care
Red
AWESOME advice!!! I myself am contemplating an affair and I think that all women need to stick by that rule!
CM7588
MM was the second person I've had sex with other than H. It was a concious decision that I really wanted to do and went through a lot of mixed emotions afterwards, but even now I don't regret it (probably b/c H doesn't know and it would hurt him so much!) but please if there's one thing I've learned from the others on this board, DON'T, just DON't confuse sex with love. I know I'm headed that direction because sex is intimate, it's not something I just do with anyone, but it's not that way for everyone. A lot of people can engage in casual sex and they're okay with that. They can seperate the emotion from the act. Enjoy the sex, enjoy the A, but don't fall in love if you can help it, it can only leave to heartache.
ibc
but, i love my h. desperately. sounds stupid and insincere given that i have broken my vows and betrayed him so completely by my behavior. i have no illusions that what i have done is wrong. terribly wrong. i also know that i have been wrong for weeks. while we never even kissed until this weekend, i know that it was many weeks ago that i crossed the line. no person should consume my energy, emotions, etc except my H and yet it had happened. i feel worse about my feelings than i do about my actions.
i dont know what to do. i dont want to be without my husband, my children. the life we've built together. all that we've shared. i imagine our lives when we are in our eighties, though now ive ruined part of what could be so special. neither of us had ever been with another. how special to live your whole life that way. and yet, i without permission changed that. and he will never know because i cannot break his heart that way. my h is steadfast, loyal a wonderful father, wonderful friend, wonderful lover. part of it is time and having lost that "spark" probably, but also that our interests are so different from each other. it is almost like our lives for the last several years have been branching in different ways. we struggle to find things to talk about. probably work and the kids and the exhaustion of daily life leave us both craving some solitude, but I admit it leave me feeling lonely and probably him too.
Enter OM. We have so much in common. The more we talk, the more we find we share. From obvious things to quirky things. i love just hearing him talk, to talk about his day, his fears, his hopes, his observations. he listens carefully to me, compassionately. and i just feel so connected on such a deep level when we are together. it is scary. he describes the same thing. we both know we should stop this, but neither of us can bear the thought of not being in each others lives. we also know that NC is the only way to end it. he is trying to work things out with his partner, and i want things to work for them. they are both great people. i know that i am not willing to give up my life. i can't. i cant ruin my children's family. their lives. i cant break H's heart. i have been honest with OM that I am not looking to change things. but i am confused. i want more. i miss him when we are apart.
we have not seen each other since our encounter. we have talked. but we didnt talk about it. just normal stuff (except a cryptic "are you okay?"). so, i dont know how different things will be. it felt funny when it was over. eating breakfast, looking at one and other knowing all that had changed. but it was more of a nice feeling than awkward and that surprised me. i felt comfortable, safe, and cared for.
and confused as i headed home to my boys, to my husband. they have no idea, and yet i am walking around here with the guilt and the knowledge that i just changed the landscape of our marriage--- without permission, without regard for the one I love. how could I have done it? and why can't i stop my feelings? what will happen next?
Trying, I like the way you put that, that you "changed the landscape of your marriage". I am in an A and don't feel that way but i respect how you feel. If I can say one thing though, it's this: early on in my M, my H had two affairs. I went through all the normal feelings of betrayal, etc. Then I took a good look at the man I married, and realized he was still the man for me. I forgave him and we stayed married, that was more than 12 years ago. I really do think we will be together in our eighties. We have a good marriage.
But one of the key lessons I learned from HIS A's was that they were not about me, and whether I was good enough, etc. They were about needs HE had that I could never have filled had I tried. I realized that he loved me the whole time, he just also needed her. It's a hard lesson to learn but I really learned it and I really did forgive.
Now that I am in an A myself, with a man who is also happily married, I know that this relationship has nothing to do with my marriage. It's just completely separate. I still take care of my husband, and appreciate his good qualities. My OMM is still a good husband to his wife. I think that it really is possible to do that. Perhaps it's even more realistic than the idea of fidelity for life.
And worstfriendever – re the first time: my OMM and I waited a few weeks before before our first time. We got pretty emotionally attached first. That made it a nerve-wracking event...when it finally happened, we spent the evening, not the whole night, in a hotel. The next morning, he phoned me and asked me to meet him for breakfast. I walked into the restaurant and he looked like he'd been up all night. I asked if he was ok and he told me he was so worried that if I hadn't enjoyed having sex with him, that he was going to lose an incredible friend. I was amazed, because I had had the exact same worries about the night before...and that's when I KNEW I loved him.
barefoot
I feel the same way. I am afraid of losing my best friend....
everything has been great since this weekend. Not awkward, or anything. He promised me that we'd be friends forever, no matter what. We've been friends for so long, we couldn't not be. Does that make sense?? We've been feeling this way about each other for so long, and started to fool around, if you will, about a month ago, and took it to the next level this past weekend. So, we did wait too, and I am so glad we did.. but now I can't wait for the "next time"... : )
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