First time here - need help.
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First time here - need help.
| Sun, 08-16-2009 - 4:43pm |
I wrote this posting for another board, but now that I've found this one, I see this is much more relevant to my situation.

Hi needstrengthnow,
I feel like maybe you are in a place now that I once was, so I will try to share with you what I learned while being in that place.
First, you are not alone as there are many people here who never dreamed they would be in an A. Let alone on a message board trying to seek help and comfort. So anytime you need to come here and post how you are feeling, feel free to. There are many people here who will be there for you.
I was married for 9 years, I met my AP at the 5 year mark of my M. So I was in my A for 4 years while still married to my XH before I divorced. My M may have been a lot different from yours as my XH was abusive. Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically. However, the feeling of not wanting to be in that M, and not wanting to have sex with my XH was the same. (I am still with my AP after 10 years. Now my AP is M and I am the SW... long story)
I too went to see a therapist, alone, for what I thought was all MY problems. Here is what I learned not only from therapy, but from my own experiences.
We all have a fear of the unknown. Not just people in A's, but people in general as well. Your M is your comfort zone. The more time that passes, the more comfortable we come. Keep in mind that I didn't say "Happy", rather "comfortable". It is hard to walk away from something and someone that you have known for so long. You know that at this point your H accepts you for every part of you. Flaws and all. You also know that your H is not the one who wants to leave the M, so it makes it harder for you to leave.(regardless of how unhappy you are)
"After a year of trying, I was diagnosed with 'infertility of unknown cause" and the next step would have been fertility treatment, but I had found myself growing away from him and decided not to pursue that route at the time."
Smart move. Do NOT bring a baby into this situation at this time.
"My complaint: no emotional and spiritual intimacy. His complaint: no sexual intimacy. And this went on and on."
This jumped out at me. Have you read anything over on the Mismatched Libidos board??? The men over there will tell you that sex brings them closer emotionally/spiritually to their partner. There are studies out there supporting this too. Orgasms result in oxytocin being flooded into the bloodstream which, according to this study, facilitates bonding with the sexual partner. Bottom line....HE needs sex to emotionally bond to you; you need emotions to have sex. So....MAYBE if you have more sex you can start a good cycle going on. Just a thought.
"Admittedly, this is gross and wrong. What I'm about to tell you will fully change your perspective of me, I'm sure."
Not at all. We may all have varying opinions, but none of us can throw stones.
"Is my perspective cloudy because of this affair that I can't seem to end? (I've tried several times and have not been able to end it.) If I didn't have this other man, would I find a way to make it work with my husband?"
Well, this other man sure is not helping. Of course you know that. Only you know if you can find your way BACK to your husband. Or, if you even want to. You probably can't continue talking (and whatever else you do online) with this man and expect to find any clarity in the situation. You say this man moved away....do you guys talk about a future together???? Would you and your husband consider therapy again? Of course....the other man has got to go. No sense in counseling if you are not willing to discontinue all communication with him. It would just be a farce.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You can end it, you know. Just do it. I did. After 5.5 years. It's hard. We really love each other but it's just not going to work out. We don't have the stomachs to step over all the bodies that would be left in the wake of two divorces.
You are young. No kids yet. As hard as divorce must be....if it has to happen make it happen before you bring children into this marriage.
Your husband will survive. In fact, you could be doing him a favor. Doesn't he deserve someone who loves him totally?
So....my suggestion....Plan A: End the affair. Work on your marriage (and don't expect it to happen quickly...). Plan B: Divorce...ugh.
Please take care of yourself.
(From original poster, needstrengthnow)
Sweetpea - Thank you SO very much for your thoughtful response.
Long time reader stepping out from behind the curtains here... I am struck by how much of your post touched me (and how familiar it is to me...)
It is very difficult to discover that your inner "self" is attracted to someone other than the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with... Even harder when you know (or have known all along whether you have shared with anyone or not) that you had reservations going in to the marriage (and girl I am right there with you)... You have to decide what is the right thing for you as painful as it may be to your H... ultimately it is yourself that you have to make happy...
My own situation is even more complicated but I hope that you are able to draw support and comfort from this board by knowing you are not alone in your decision...
"did you stay in your marriage? Were you able to make it work? Also, did you feel like you really loved your AP -- real love?"
Yes, I'm still married...waaaaay over 20 years! It's a work in progress making my way back to him emotionally, physically, spiritually. I don't know if I'll make it. Right now...I feel like I'm living with a neighbor. Not much affection at all. No emotional connection. Profoundly sad, actually. He's a very good man; great father but never was very demonstrative or giving with his emotions. The distance just slowly grew and I dealt it a deathblow when I got involved with my first love. I am totally to blame.
Did I love my AP? Unfortunately, yes. We both would lament that if it was just for sex it would have been so much easier to end. Hence...5.5 years of a double life that absolutely no one would guess of either of us. His wife is younger, thinner, and probably more educated (although I have a college degree)...but it's not about that. It's about a connection that spanned 37 YEARS; the last 5.5 of which we were together.
So, yea, it really was love.
I have to tell you, I really question your therapist telling you to "reduce communication" with your AP. I personally don't think you can work on your marriage if you are still talking with AP. In the back of your mind he would always be there....heck, I haven't had any contact with my AP for over six weeks and he is ALWAYS on my mind.
In my opinion, for me, it has to be cold turkey. This is my third attempt at no contact. The first two ended after two days! But this time....I think I was just ready. I knew it had end.
Should you change therapist???? Good question. It seems that you are trying to second guess her, though. My gut response is to change.
(((((needs)))))
ball_girl - thanks for your kind and supportive words.
Hi,
I understand what you are going through. Some of what you said really struck me. I remember on my honeymoon I really wasnt interested in being intimate w/ my husband. Actually when I was saying my wedding vows I felt numb, but I thought it was just a reaction to my nervousness.
My H and I were very close in the beginning but we never had much sex from the start but we did everything together. As time went on and circumstances came about he became very unaffectionate and selfish and I would feel lonely alot of times. It was like he had time for everything but me. I had to practically beg for simple kiss or peck on the lips. I would talk to him about it and he would say he doesnt like affection and hugging and would tell me the affection I showed was overwhelming or too much. I tried to understand where he was coming from b/c of how his parents are and the way the raised him. They are an unaffectionate family. But he wouldnt even give an effort or try to do anything about it.
Of
"Man I feel screwed up."
Oh, I remember feeling like that, sucks eh? When you are feeling like this, this is no time to make a decision about divorce. I want to tell you that you are approaching this in the right way, that you are forcing yourself to exhaust all options before ending your marriage. There are so many success stories of couples rediscovering each other if they really want to. That's the key, do you really want to? Divorce is a hearbreaking thing, especially if you care just the littlist bit about your H. You are in therapy which is great but I would caution you about overanalyzing in great detail. At some point, you have to take what "is" and do something with it. You could keep analyzing ad nauseum due to the changing nature of life - each new conversation, feeling, situation... And the A is toxic to your situation to say the least. A's are highly addictive and we all feel like our situation is different. And it is. But reality is that a real life relationship with it's origins in deceit doesn't stand much of a chance. A foundation for a relationship built on lies, deceit, selfish pursuit, hurting others is a pretty cruddy foundation. Sure there are people who do it, but it's not common at all, and it is a tough road. Also, and this is just my opinion, I don't believe that each of us should choose the path of pursuing happiness at the expense of everything else. Not at the expense of others and our integrity. At some point we have to integrate our childish nature with the adult we mature to be. I recommend a book called "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. Please look it up to see if it sounds like an approach that appeals to you. You sound like you are really grounded in reality and understand that you have some work ahead of you, don't we all? This life takes work and that work makes us better, and what we've worked for tastes that much sweeter knowing we worked for it.
Please keep us posted on your situation. I truly wish you the best.