First Time Posting - HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
First Time Posting - HELP!
16
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 9:36pm
I just started lurking on this board today and could not believe all of the similar emotions many of us have. I read many of your posts and just sobbed knowing and understanding what all of you are going through, yet feeling so alone like nobody else could possibly feel as bad as I do. Now I know there are many of us with similar stories and not that I would ever wish going through on anyone, it's good to know that others feel the same way I do some days. Now I will tell you my story...the story of my A with MM. I like many of you met him at work. We have worked together for about 3 1/2 years, but the A just started in December, so almost 6 months ago. We had a discussion about how attracted we were to each other and from there my life changed drastically. I have been married for 5 years and have two sons, 4 years and 19 months. MM just got married last June, so 11 months ago. I was even at his wedding with my H. Yes, do the math and our A began not even 6 months after he was married. The last 6 months for me have been completely insane, feeling ecstatic one moment and severely depressed the next. Some of you mentioned in your posts how your emotions change so much day to day. I swear I feel different every single day. One day we're doing great and talk about us and how much we care and then the next day we don't talk at all and I think he's done with me. It's sooo frustrating. We constantly talk about "ending" it and have both said that we can't. We actually have tried 3 times in the past 6 months and always end up seeing each other again. Do any of you feel like it's "on" one day, "off" or ending the next? We seem to have a habit of having a really good week and then barely talking the next. I just feel like it's coming to an end and I hate that, I hate thinking of losing this with him. It makes me crazy. Is this is defense mechanism? Do we get close and then get scared so we push each other away? I have talked to my H about getting divorced, but he doesn't know about the A. I know I haven't said everything I want to say here, but really needed to reach out to people who understand. I feel so desparate...for what? I don't know!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 9:48pm
Welcome to the board, Melafo,

I know exactly what you're feeling - both about finding the board, (WHAT A RELIEF), and about your roller-coaster!

I have a few questions for you, though. Were you thinking about a divorce before this A?

And what does MM have to say about it? Is he thinking about leaving his W?

One of the things I've seen is the general consensus that it's hard to make a relationship work if you go straight from your marriage into a new one. And most everyone here agrees that if the married partner leaves the marriage, it needs to be because the marriage is over, and that there is no salvaging it. Otherwise, the stress of building a new relationship tends to be too difficult to sustain.

I've been up and down...I'm gradually settling into a new appreciation and more relaxation than I've had. I'm sure I'll still have those days, but I really don't think he's going anywhere. And I'm learing to enjoy what we do share. It's precious, it's special, it's *ours*.

Let us know what we can do to help and Good Luck! Keep posting. There are some great people here!



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:10pm
I agree with Cazrida - you came to the right place - get a helmet - your A will be the best and worst - you'll want to leave, he'll wnat you to stay - you won't be able to imagine you life w/out him - you'll wish you never met him - you will be confident and insecure, trusting and scared - love and hate, wish and hope....

and that is all just the first 5 minutes ! ;)


i lurked here for a while - posted about a year ago - met a **great** friend (t.f.)- she and i have never met in person- i dont even know what she looks like! - we talk on the phone and have talked each other off of many a ledge...this evening was no exception!! ;) find someone that you connect with - you'll "know". We are all here to support you - tell you the truth - even if you dont want to hear it - laugh with you, cry with you, scheme with you and even if we dont have any advice - know that you are not alone!

db

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:13pm
Thanks for the reply! Your advice was wonderful, thank you so much. Yes, I have been thinking about divorcing my H even before this happened. I have been married for 5 years like I said and I think I've been feeling this way for about 3 years. The A has definitely made me think about leaving A LOT more, but MM and I have talked so much about how he doesn't want me to leave FOR him and vice versa. I am at the point now after this past 6 months that if I left I know it would be for me, not for MM. MM has also talked about leaving and said he didn't want to get my hopes up, but that he can see himself leaving at some point. He's not happy with her and said he knew about 6 months before they were married that he didn't think she was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He is so up and down though it's like I can never figure him out. He said one of his biggest issues about himself is that he doesn't like to fail, so he said leaving a marriage would be very hard for him because it's something that he would have failed at.

I am so happy to hear that you are starting to feel more relaxed. I wish so much that I can get to that point. I do feel like it's going to end though, so any relaxation for me is not possible at his point. Everytime it is going really well and we get another step closer to our emotions he pulls away. It drives me insane! He said that he does that because he's always trying to walk on the line and not go over it either way. I told him it's very hurtful to me that he is so back and forth. Oh and by the way, to complicate things even more....I'm his boss. That makes it even MORE confusing and difficult to deal with. How long have you been going through this? I can't eat, sleep, and practically can't function at home or at work. This is soooo hard. I loved when you said in your situation that it is "ours". That is so special and you're right, this is ours.

Melafo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:18pm
Thank you sooo much! I really did come to the right place and I'm sure you can understand how much this means to me to hear your stories. The things you said are exactly how I feel too...one day I just want it to be done and the next I can't imagine my life without him. Today I am in the "done" stage, which I have been in several times. I'm pretty sure he is too. He has pulled away from me a lot this week. He has done this many other times too, but it's like if I don't have constant reassurance that everything is "ok" then I think something is wrong. Arrrghhhh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:23pm
Welcome Melafo..

You will find great support here! I do know what you're saying about all the emotions! And when you don't communicate then you think it's over! I just felt that way this last week and until tonight thought it was over!! I don't know why.. i guess it's part of the roller coaster ride of emotions.

I've also been married 5 years and MM has been married 1 yr. and 8 mo. and we've been having a physical A for 1 1/2 yrs. MM was 4-5 mo. married since we started. I don't know anything about their marriage or he doesn't know anything about mine. We only get together for sex. We love to share each other. And it's so easy to feel close to each other.

I am not happy in my Marriage either. Wasn't happy before A. And we're talking about divorce.. H doesn't know anything about A. I don't want to be with MM as a relationship, but still want to continue what we have.

sorry for rambling.

welcome again and keep posting it helps ..

chris

Gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:24pm
((((((MELAFO))))))))



Well, let's see. We're coming up on our first year, although physically, we've only been involved for about eight months. ::shocked look on face:: Has it already been _that_ long?

And I can't even imagine the difficulty you have, since you're his boss. That makes _my_ head spin. Tread carefully, there...although I'm sure that you are.

As far as the off again, on again, he's probably as confused as you are, if not more so. I guess my very best advice would be to think long and hard about your marriage, first. If you decide to leave for you, give yourself time - both to grieve the loss of that relationship, and to heal.

And secondly, let MM know that you care, but don't want to pressure him in any way. Let him come to the point where he's coming to you. They haven't been married long. If he's not convinced that ending the marriage is the only way to handle things, he'd resent you if he left too soon. Just keep work and the A very, very seperate. Did I mention be careful? LOL

Good luck and let us know what we can do to help. We're here, no matter what happens.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:34pm
Cazrida

LOL, I am TRYING to be careful with the work situation. It is so hard though, it's seriously crazy. I think you're right that he is just as confused as me if not more. I am a very open person with my feelings and he takes more time to tell me how he feels. When he does though I know he means it because he would never say how he feels until he was ready. I really do need him to know how much I care and that I don't want to pressure him. I do pressure him though :( I don't mean to, but like I said it's like I need this constant reassurance. Right now I am trying to get to the point where he's coming to me and usually when I pull away he does come to me eventually. Everytime I do this though I get soooo scared that if I pull away too much that I will lose him. You are right too that if he leaves too soon before he's ready that he could resent me for it. That is sooo true. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your advise, SERIOUSLY! I needed this so much tonight. I was at a major point of breaking down tonight and this has really, really helped. I can't stay thanks enough :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:11pm
Welcome to our safe haven, Melafo:-)

Your post really struck home because I just finished an e-mail to my MM, explaining to him that I am scared and am putting up this defense system. We both love each other but can't be together. He can't leave his son and I can't leave my H (I feel very much like your MM in regards to the whole failure thing).

It is an emotional roller coaster and it is scary. I sometimes find myself questioning his feelings for me just so I can convince myself that he doesn't really love me. He gets frustrated because he really does but I somehow keep giving myself excuses to walk away so I never feel those horrible "lows". I suppose I am low right now because it has been two months since we have seen each other and we have about 6 more weeks to go...it's a LDEMA (800 miles).

I hope that you do find some sort of comfort in this board. I know I have. A's are great, painful, frustrating, and a wonderful escape. I often think I'm a weak person for being in this A, but after all the emotional ups and downs we all go through...it makes me wonder how weak I really am for being able to handle all this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 7:05am
I know you feel that you are on a rollercoaster, but do not let this A make you feel that you are 15 again (except for in the good ways). Let him do a lot of the work for the affair to prove that he is interested. Do not pursue or overanalyze or you will drive yourself crazy and life is too short for that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 7:36am
Hello and welcome! I am sure you have seen already what a wonderful group is here living in similar situations as you. My MM was only married 4 months when we got together. We have been together for over a year and a half but have not had that many opportunities to see each other. It certainly is a roller coaster! I too always worry this is going to end for no reason b/c I don't think MM has any intentions of doing that at least for now. Many times we let our overanalyzing get the better of us. As for your M that is something you have to decide about without influence of your MM. You have to be prepared to be on your own before leaving.

Please feel comfortable here and use the support of the members! It makes there bad times easier to bare and its nice to have someone to share the highs with too!

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