First time posting here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
First time posting here....
6
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 10:20am
This could get long...hope you all hang in there with me!

I've never posted about anything like this on a board before. I've been married for 7-1/2 years but we've been together for about 13. It's never been a healthy relationship. I was completely infatuated with him and he kind of turned in to an obsession. It would take too long to go into all the details but it's been a soap opera, trust me. He cheated on me before we got married and she got pg. Should have bailed out then but I didn't. I had a problem with codependency big time and he had all the problems I thought I could rescue him from. We got married and it just got worse. I was miserable constantly just from all the crap that happened, he was never home, never gave me attention, we weren't compatible in any way and it was just bad. Then in the fall of 2001 he started abusing drugs. Anything and everything you've ever heard, seen or read about what life with a drug addict is like...times it by about 10 and you have what i went through. I lost everything but 1 vehicle, my house and my son (who btw isn't my husbands child. DS is from a previous relationship) For almost a year DH lived on the street or in and out of my house while severely hooked on cocaine. I went through all the stages of denial then trying to help him etc....He was in and out of rehab for a while and finally after all the misery I kicked him out. He "hit bottom" so to speak and is now a student at Teen Challenge doing great. He's been there for a year and 1/2. It's a long term residential rehab, or actually discipleship program. He's given his life to Christ and is from what i can tell a totally different person. Anyway, during the last year that he's been getting things out and healing and learning to live a God-controlled life he has confessed A LOT. He slept around the whole time we were married and with many women 1 of which got pregnant..so now he has 2 kids from affairs. THis has been hard for me to take..there's much more but some of what he confessed I just can't seem to say to anybody. Needless to say, I've forgiven him but forgetting is just so hard.

I've known the Lord all my life. During the midst of all the mess with DH I decided to completely give up my life to God because the job I was doing just wasn't cutting it and OH the peace I felt!!! Everything started to come in to place and the miracles that happened and the things that took place that got DH into rehab for good - God's fingerprints were all over. I tried to hang in there with DH while at Teen CHallenge (he is 900 miles away from home) but it's been so hard. I have seen him 3 times in the last 13 months and we've had really no relationship for over 2 years. We've talked about how things could be when he gets out but it always seemed so distant. But I just felt I was supposed to stay with him, I mean why did I hang in there for so long if not to stay married. Now the other part....I became friends with a man at work whose son is my sons age and they go to church together and are friends. He is divorced and we just became good friends last summer. I had NO intentions whatsoever of anything more than that. But the closer we got, the more we talked and the more I realized how compatible we are and how much in common we have...just everything, I started to be come very attracted to him. It is unbelieveable how we just seem to "fit" you know? He is an awesome father, very caring and loving person. We've become so close and really best friends. I can't imagine him not in my life. I've never felt such a strong emotional connection with someone before...I could go on and on...he's just everything I've always wanted in a man. In short, I'm falling in love with him and it's killing me. I know I should hang in there with my DH...he is supposed to graduate and come home in May. But I don't even know him anymore!! I don't even know if I love him...I know I care deeply and want him to be happy and I truly feel that staying where he is where he has a support system, friends, counselors and a good job is where he can be a successful person completely. If he gives all that up and comes back here to where it all started I just wonder how will he do? To top it all off, my family is more in favor of me and DH splitting than sticking it out b/c they've watched how he has hurt me and devastated me in every way, even financially, for the last 13 years. I told my mom about the other person b/c I had to tell someone, plus she was suspecting why I seemed so much happier, and although she doesn't agree with what I'm doing (adultery) she says DH will never make me happy.

Sorry this is so long..I just felt I needed to get it all out, you know? I've never been so confused in all my life. It is too hard to decide on what I should do about my marriage while keeping my feelings for the other out of my decision making process, kwim? What I"m doing is so wrong and i feel so guilty and like I'll neve get back spiritually where I was. I came so far and felt so much peace and now I"m in such turmoil. DH really wants to stay out there, he knows something is wrong but I've not told him about anyone else. We hardly ever even talk anymore. How do you know what to do? If we divorce will God ever forgive me? What if that is not His plan for me? I dont know what i expect to hear from any of you. I just had to get this all out somewhere! THANKS for listening and sorry it's a book.

Salene

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 10:39am


Hi Salenei!

I'll take a quick stab at this. I come from a conservative Christian background, so I can understand your anguish.

There are three spiritually acceptable reasons for divorce in the Bible. Abandonment, adultery and abuse. The Bible also tells us that what we do is first formed in what we think. IOW, your husband abandoned you emotionally and spiritually long before you were physically separated.

Once that has happened, my understanding is that you have the choice to forgive and reconcile, to forgive and remain seperated, or to forgive and divorce. Once the marriage is "over", returning to it is not an option.

You said that you were actually involved in adultery. I know that has to be weighing very heavily on your conscience and that you struggle to talk with the Lord about it. My suggestion would be that first you thank Him for the changes he has made in your husband's life. Those are answered prayers. Secondly, I suggest you seek His guidance, while you back away from your new love. This may be only temporary, but you need to be able to go to the Father with a clean heart to really be able to hear the soft voice of the Holy Spirit.

If God is leading you to reconcile with your husband, you may want to consider moving out to where he is and to where he has the support which has proven so helpful. This would enable both of you to have a chance to start anew. Be aware that this would be a lifelong commitment, not a trial period.

I suspect that if you indeed back away and truly seek the Lord, however, that you will find that you are released from your obligations to the marriage. That doesn't mean that you will automatically be granted the gift of a marital relationship with your new man. You need to seek the Lord's leading in that area as well. Sincere repentance along with a spiritually dedicated commitment from both of you would be the minimum, (as best as I understand it), requirement for the relationship to progress properly in God's eyes and to reap all of the benefits of His Blessing.


I hope that this helps.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 11:07am
Thank you cazrida! What you said did help me. After reading your post I guess I realized my bigger delima is that some times I feel that I am supposed to stay in my marriage because that is what is right and God hates divorce, etc. I even entertain the idea a little of moving out to where he is which is more than 1/2 across the continent! THen when I start thinking about it and thinking that may be what God wants me to do, I panic! I can't stand myself for even thinking about making a decision such as this outside of God's will. That is what I wrestle with the most. I have an inkling of what i should do but I don't want to do it. Moving out there is just not an option for me. I've lived here all my life and I am extremely close to my parents and grandparents and my son is the only grandchild and they are an important part of his life. My son's natural father's family is here. I just don't have the strength or commitment to do that and I feel horrible for it! DH is determined to eventually move to Dallas, TX which is not far from where he is now because all his family is there. To be honest with you, I can't stand 1/2 of his family and the times we've visited there I'm miserably homesick to the point of nausea. What if that is what God wants me to do though and I don't do it? I'm very afraid of what the consequences would be. Then some times I think that if we split all would be ok, God will forgive me and I'll be ok. He'll never leave me or forsake me. I go back and forth. I just have it stuck in my head that divorce is wrong and you just can't do it. However, my parents are divorced and mom met her new husband before she and my dad's divorce was final (about a year before actually). DAd is remarried too and they are all happy and have God in their lives. I hate to compare my life to theirs but I think about that you know?

My question I guess is what happens to you spiritually when you don't do what God wants you to..I keep thinking about Jonah and the big fish! What big fish will swallow me up so to speak?! I know that sounds crazy but the thought of it all bothers me. What if I just can't do it?

Salene

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 11:11am

salene - welcome to the board sweetie and may i just say, you deserve the "PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING" award!!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 11:46am


Right now, Salenei, you are too worked up to really hear what the Lord would say to you. You need to back off from this new man, and seek God's forgiveness and peace. Once you've reached that point, then you can ask him which of the three options he wants for you. You are not required, by any standard I can measure, to reconcile with your husband. God _may_ want that, but if you don't do so with a willing heart it will cause all sorts of trouble later on.

Seek His wisdom, which is promised to all Believers. In God's eyes, your husband's actions constituted Biblical grounds for divorce. That you've prayed for him was the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean that you need to go back into the relationship. That can only be determined when you find God's peace and seek His perfect will.

Let me add, that should God's Perfect Will be for you to move across the country to be with your husband and to reconcile, His Perfect Strength will uphold you.

Only after discovering His will for your life, can you seek his will regarding the other relationship. Right now there are many doors open to you. Pray until you reach peace and assurance. These are His gifts to you and they enable you to think clearly and to make the proper resolutions.

I would also suggest that you speak with your minister, and ask trusted believers to pray for God's clear guidance in your life. You don't have to go into details. God knows them already.

Good luck and God Bless.

Cazrida


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 1:09pm
Hello Salene

I completely agree with cazrida on this one.

You asked what happens if you do not obey God voice, the more you disobey the less you here him, the voice gets quiter each time tell you are alone.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 3:18pm
Salene-

I think in your heart you know the answer. You have said it yourself that your H is a stranger to you now. You are an absolutely AMAZING person for going through what you went through and STILL trying to be there now. God will forgive you if you walk away. He is a loving Lord and a forgiving Lord. Most importantly, do what is right for YOU and your son. You have found someone who is good to you and your son and that is a gift. Cherish it. Your son has obviously been through a lot and seen you go through a lot. If you are happy it is best for him. Follow your heart....He will lead you down the right path and it sounds as if your H is better off where he is. It wouldn't be fair to you, your son, or your parents to move half way across the continent for a man who has only thought of himself for the past 13 years and if he has truly found the Lord than you have to have faith that the Lord will pick up where you left off and guide your H. Stay strong and keep your head up, it sounds like you have finally found a good man, don't let that go.