Follow up to "affair not going anywhere"
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| Sat, 02-27-2010 - 12:06am |
Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you had not ended your emr? I will post this on endings too. this question crossed my mind about 2 nights ago. it is the first that this is ever crossing my mind. This is a follow up to the discussion started by "indecent affair" entitled "an affair not going anywhere?". i wrote my story in response to "indecent affair" so you guys can read it and then come here.
since some of you might end up reading this first however, as it will be further up from 'indecent affair's' discussion, i will give you a brief recap. i ended the relationship with my x-mm after being involved with him for 10 years. this emr ended a long time ago, not recently, in case you are wondering.he was taking too long to divorce his wife after separating from her 6 years after we got involved. he was separated for 4 years and took so long to start filing that i had to leave him as i was totally frustrated. he ended up getting the divorce 6 years after i left him which leads me to my topic. IF I HAD STAYED, I WOULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH HIM 16 YEARS BEFORE HE GOT HIS DIVORCE. now imagine that. he got involved with a new lady 3 years after he and i broke up. he was still separated and had still not started filing for divorce yet.3 years after he was involved with that lady, he got his divorce. (6 years after i left him). i know the lady and as a matter of fact, some of my relatives and myself went to school with her and her relatives.
i have lost touch with x-mm for about 10 years now as once in a while since breaking up, we used to talk but have since lost touch now. my mind ran on him sometime ago and since as it is now 15 years since he got involved with the new lady, i figured that ONE of two situations would have taken place by now.
1. he would have married her after all this time or at least be living with her. OR
2. they would have broken up.
well so i thought. a relative of mine saw them at a function and because my relative knows the lady, she said hi to her. they didn't get a chance to talk to him as i think he was probably at a distance. the lady spoke about her BOYFRIEND (yes you heard right), boyfriend and not husband. when i heard this from my relative, i was shocked. I SAID THAT, THEN YOU MEAN THAT AFTER ALL THIS TIME OF BEING INVOLVED WITH THAT LADY FOR 15 YEARS HE HASN'T MARRIED TO HER? i couldn't believe it.
makes me wonder if i had stayed with him, it is The same way, he would probably take a long time to marry me, even after he got his divorce. i remember when i saw him when he had just gotten his divorce, i said to him that "oh so you are ready to get married now then" (to the lady that is, cause it was she who was the girlfriend since i had left him.) he said no as he is not ready for that yet. he is now divorced for 12 years and still not ready to remarry? so i am now figuring that if i had stayed with him till he got his divorce, it is the same way that after being together for 16 years, he still wouldn't be ready for remarriage.
on the other hand, it has also crossed my mind (not 100% sure of this) that maybe he doesn't love her as much as he did me, so he might not want to marry her cause he doesn't love her enough. so he just prefers to stay with her on a long term basis but not marry her. but she might be frustrated herself but sometimes it is so much trouble to find someone new and start all over again that you just stay. he seems to be afraid of commitment which might have been the very thing that i would face if i had stayed with him. just makes me really wonder.

WOW!! This post really hit home with me. I won't bore you with all the details of my A, but I am currently now involved with him again. I didn't know he was M when I first got involved with him, but when I found out, I broke things off. After a year or so of NC, we came back into contact. It was simple and platonic at first, but since then has become an A. I thought that maybe he had divorced in the year that we had been apart but has now come to find out that he is not. I love him dearly but need to love myself more. I am S and deserve better.
Thank you for sharing.