Food for thought for Viper and others

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Food for thought for Viper and others
30
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:39am
Viper,

I think you should seriously think of the possibility that your guy just wants you for sex....thats it...no strings attached mind blowing sex when he is in town. The guys (and I know I am generalizing) that play golf can be like that :)

I know the truth hurts but maybe thats all to it. And the reason he makes you feel special when he is with you is the fact that he wants sex from you. It is upto you to decide whether you want to be just his sexual partner or you desire something more. And yes, guys who care (even the quiet ones)do send out an email or a smile IM or a "what's happening" IM or something like that (I am just quoting the online behavior here...cuz thats all I know).

I disagree with some of the other posters here in the sense that I think if you have expectations from him you should let him know and not keep it to yourself. Why should everything be according to his demands....this is a reality for all of us here that we are in love with the MM (typical normal female human behavior) and why does anybody have to pose that its just sexual and not love when the truth is sooo different...just because you don't want to scare the guy off...well let him be scared if he gets scared by your emotions...he is not the guy for you then.

I certainly let my guy know when we were having the online thing (its NC from my end now) that I wanted it to be exclusive and I wanted to be loved as a person too (not just fuc*ed but loved too).

If you behave that you are not worth anything (in the sense that you suppress your expectations) ....he will treat you as if you are not worth anything.


PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 3:08pm
Are you taking about initial stages of your R or is it in the later stages? I remember being very shy and out of place with my OM in the earlier stages. That could explain why your MW was giving you subtle hints. LOL I don't know if that applies in your case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 3:35pm
These are tough questions and I can only give you my personal opinion which is not a Gospel by any means. We are not all that hard to read. If we are emotionally involved a woman will simply not have to guess what's on our mind. Sooner or later we'll let her know it, we'll make sure she knows it. We are quite capable of moving mountains when we pursue what we want. When we are in it for sex only what you see is all you are going to get. And if sex is satisfying and there is also mutual respect and friendship it can last forever - why look for someone else? And there is nothing wrong with it as long as it is understood and agreed on by both parties involved. As I said, if you want more you have to speak up. And if that makes him freak out - you will have your answer.

Then, of course, there are men who intentionally play with women's emotions solely to boost their own ego or humor their sexual fantasies, and this crap I have zero tolerance for. But I hope it's not the case in your situations, sister and dusty.




Edited 2/19/2004 3:46:06 PM ET by boston53

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 3:53pm

i totally agree with boston -- if you've been in a longer A, there are subtle signs he's emotionally invested like making sure you are sexually satisfied, cuddling after, calling to say "hi" small stuff i know, but that's the way it is.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:00pm
Well we don't cuddle after, I usually get up right away and shower because we've already been there a couple of hours and he has a long drive back!! But other than that there are alot of signs of affection between us and a definite chemistry.

But I'm not deluding myself, my A is for sex although we do like/respect each other alot.

I have another divorced friend who would definitely like to have more of a relationship with me, but I don't want to go there, because I know he would be alot more emotionally involved, and that I could not handle at this time.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I think my current MM is that way too. In our relationship we are not hurting each other, by saying we love each other when we know we can't be together. That's the way I feel about it anyways.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:03pm
wow - all of this has really got me thinking - thanks boston and gurl.

we have plans to meet tomorrow and I've been searching for a way to bring up the "how are you about all of this - has anything changed since the beginning" thing but couldn't quite figure out how...I just want him to know I am just as interested as I was 5 weeks ago and I think what we have is incredible. He gets pretty quiet when I say anything so this time I can let him start by putting it out there for him that way - I just want to hear *something* from him...anything as far as emotions go.

does that make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:05pm
dusty - you know your situation way better than

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:12pm
ts secret -- don't push him for a response about his emotions, just let him know how you feel and make it an open-ended question - "I am just as interested as I was 5 weeks ago and I think what we have is incredible, are you okay with our R?"

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:17pm
I hope you're right gurl. I really do like him alot, I hope he feels the same way. It just feels right somehow. But I'm happy to leave things as they are for now. I'm not pushing any buttons or anything to get some confession of undying love from him!!

I think you're right, just by the way the person treats you, can tell if its just a sex with no emotions or if there are some caring feelings there. And I think we have those feelings. Just thinking about it, makes me feel good. Have a nice evening!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:19pm
dusty, you have a nice, relaxing evening too honey!

CL-Gurlfriend50


Co-CL of My Affair Support Board


Live, Love and Be Happy!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:33pm
yep - you're right - I guess since this is the longest we've been without "you know" - I am starting to feel a little insecure - it's no one's fault - just been an awful week - at home and at work for both of us...hopefully I won't be doing any talking tomorrow at lunch!!!!! once I'm with him all my worries fly out the window and I forget my own name.