This fool is back

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
This fool is back
23
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 1:08pm
Well, ladies...at what point does a person LEARN when not to get burned?? Refreshing my story...I'm M, had a 6 month on again off again affair with MM...he left his wife 3 times only for a few weeks at a time, would go back, wanted me, came back....finally back in May, he went back and stayed for four months, did marriage counseling, did everything his wife asked him to do and not do, says she did things to change, but after 2 months, we started seeing each other again and he told me that after doing all those things, he still didn't feel different, knew that he was still IN love with me, although he did have love for her and cared for her, he just didn't have those feelings for her anymore...said he actually started resenting her because he felt unhappy again and was tired of us having to sneak around to see each other. He said he wanted us to be together again, but this time wanted us to start over fresh in our "own" place, meaning he wanted to get an apartment temporarily so we could start our lives together. I told him my concerns and fears because of the hurt and pain he caused me the last times he left and he assured me that this time was different because he absolutely NO guit this time because he knew he had tried..the other times he was consumed with so much guilt and couldn't handle it, so he went back...he knew he could walk away for good. His adult daughter who still lives at home with her baby had to have brain surgery and he and his wife spent 4 days out of town with her at the hospital...during that time he texted me constantly...loved me so much, missed me so much, couldn't stop thinking of me, couldn't wait to get back to me...I had been afraid that thier daughter going through this would change his feelings, but it didn't, so I knew in my heart that he was not feeling guilty. 2 weeks later he was ready to do this, said his daughter was doing excellent, better than the doctors expected, he was still going to be there to help out with her, he wasn't abandoing her, wanted to start looking for a place....actually it happened sooner than we thought, I panicked Monday night after I wasn't hearing back from him after texting him all day...I was scared he was changing his mind, so I ended up getting into an argument with my husband and left and finally got hold of MM and he left his house with telling his wife anything...just left. We got an apartment the next day, that next night, he knew he had to go back and tell her what was going on, so he went over there and talked for 2 hours and came back to the apartment all bummed out, didn't really want to talk, but finally opened up and told me that she had really made him feel "bad"...not guilty, but bad...he said it shocked him when she took off her ring and gave it to him and told him he needed to make a decision, so in other words, she would take him back again....he came back to me that night, but I could tell he was different the next few days, kind of distant, wasn't as affectionate, was ready to start an argument over any little thing I said....I at this point was realizing I made a mistake...as much as I was in love with him, and still am, I knew he could never get over his guilt feelings for her, even if he's not in love with her...he just can't break that connection. The thing of it is, and he admitted this once before, when he was with her, he wanted me, and when he was with me, he wanted her..although he swore this time was different. Anyway, he went over there again last night to get more stuff but had to wait for her to get home because she hid his stuff he wanted and the only way to get them back was to come see her....he sat there and talked with his daughter and gathered some things that he could and waited for his wife to get there, he texted me telling me he was waiting...i texted him and asked if he wanted to meet me at a restaurant for supper or me to wait there, he said, wait there, half hour later..he's still not there, I texted the same thing again, this time he texted back "chill", then after another half hour, I was starting to get pissed...it doesn't take that long to get your crap and leave..so I texted him asking where he was and then called him and he said he was on his way back...when he got there, he stood by his truck going through his phone and shaking his head and I knew he was pissed so I went out and started helping him carry things in, then he starts going off on me about texting him 13 times and how embarrassing that was when he was trying to have a conversation with his wife and daughter about her doctor visit and I told him I did not text 13 times, it was only 4 or 5 and then he gets his phone out and starts yelling at me about lying and here were all the texts and he replied this and that and I said well, my phone messes up and I don't always get a lot of texts or receive them because 4 or 5 are all I had on mine and he starts in about how I was the only person he could trust and how could I do that to him...just starts wigging out and I'm trying to calm him down...he's walking away from me telling me to get away, leave him alone, he pushes me down in the chair and says to leave him alone or he'll hit me, then he calls 911 and has the cops come over to have me removed because I was trying to grab his hand and get him to sit down and talk with me..at one point I did push him back because he shoved me...it was awful, it was embarrassing...and he did all of this just to make his "decision" easier....he twisted this all around and made things look like my fault so he could walk away from what he committed to me and walk away even though he knew I gave up everything and he would break my heart a fourth time...this way in his mind, he can justify hurting me and bailing on me again......gawd, I am such a fool...and I still love the bastard....figure that one out....and the hard thing is, we work together and I'm at a crossroads now of what to do..i've been there for 25 years and make good money and benefits, it's not a "career" job, but it's a good steady one...but I don't know if I can face him again after all this..I don't know if my heart can take it...my husband doesn't want me to go back and I don't know what to do...my head says stay, my heart says no.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
In reply to: julz22
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 3:01pm

Hi julz22,


I'm sorry he's putting you through this again. He sounds like he needs some serious counselling honey. I can understand the wishy washy of leaving or staying with his W and DD or you but to physically push you and tell you he will hit you? That just does not fly with me....and as much as you love him, it shouldn't fly with you either!


He really does sound messed up and I'm sorry that you've left your husband and he's done this to you again. Above all though, you must stay safe, right?


Please take care of yourself and let us know what you decide to do, okay?


benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
In reply to: julz22
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 11:24pm

Julz -


I am so sorry to read your update - i did hope that those of us who told you to walk away before would be proven wrong - I always hope for the happy ending - even when we all know that they are few and far between.


Now that he has proven to you that not only does he refuse to make a decision and stick to it - he is also abusive both verbally and physically - I hope that you will now walk away from him and never, ever look back.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
In reply to: julz22
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 10:43am
Thanks, tigerbabe...yeah, I deserve the "I told you so's"....that's for sure. I just really believed he would stick to it this time because I knew he had tremendous guilt for doing what he did before and I also knew that he did not really give his marriage a chance. This time, he did, like I said with marriage counseling and being there for her and doing what she wanted, so when he said he realized he felt no different and was still in love with me and could walk away with no guilt. I'm sitting here this morning still trying to decide whether to return to my 25 year old job tomorrow or not...they're going to be short help this week already with one person on vacation, but then, that's my boss's fault for not making sure we have proper back ups....I'm thinking of going to HR and asking for a leave until I can decide what to do. My husband does not want me to go back. MM will not come after me...he is too much of a coward...he can't face people when he screws them over...its just going to be hard for me having to see him everyday...we don't work in the same depts, but there are times when we will see each other and also the humiliation of everyone knowing that this happened AGAIN...it's really getting to be a joke at this point to some people and that's hard on me also. Thank you for reading my post and for your words of encouragement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
In reply to: julz22
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 8:58pm

Julz -


Honey - you don't need any i told you so's - I'm sure you are doing that enough to yourself.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2008
In reply to: julz22
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 9:17pm

Julz

I don't mean to be tough on you, or maybe I do. Get a good counselor, because this man is a total loser who makes you feel like garbage, but you keep going for it. What's up with that?

Exactly how many years of your life are you going to waste on this? Or are you enjoying this drama, and don't really want to get out? Those are the questions you need to ask yourself. To some extent, any of us involved in an affair enjoys drama or they would run away asap. But this is extreme, he is actually emotionally and psychologically abusive to everyone he knows.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
In reply to: julz22
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 10:14pm
I'm beginning to see that side of him...he would tell me about the things his wife would say to him and be upset about...he would tell me how she would complain about him being "mean" to her, meaning, ignoring her and her needs and wants..well, that's the way he is. When he is tired of something and wants something different, that's how he acts...he'll be snitty and rude about things, make insensitive remarks and that's so he can push a person away. He's done it to me when he's back was up against a wall and the reality he was facing isn't what he expected and that's what happened last week...he thought he could handle leaving and having to live on a tight budget just so we could be together, but when push came to shove, he couldn't. He couldn't handle the pressure of not having a dime in his pocket and having to go out and get a second job to meet all his financial obligations....that was too much work for him and no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't do it, so he started acting indifferent and making his insensivitive remarks and then coming down to being physical...which makes me wonder, after 22 years, how much of this has his wife put up with?? Surely he didn't turn into this dysfunctional person overnight so I'm sure she's put up with his moodiness and possibily physical abuse over the years..of course, we've discussed thing like that and he assured me he's never hit a woman and would beat any guy that would, but you know, there's one thing I've wondered about for a few months now....he told me that one night after drinking, his wife fell and hit her face on the curb because she drank too much and he even had a picture of her very black eye on his cellphone...he showed it to me...he said she joked about telling everyone at work that he hit her ( she works in a courthouse in a judge's office) and he told her that wasn't even funny and she better not. Funny thing I noticed is, she had no other scratches, bruises or cuts on any other part of her face, just one black eye.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: julz22
Sun, 09-07-2008 - 10:39pm

OMG Julz.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2008
In reply to: julz22
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 12:19am

he is sick.

Run

FAST, you have no time to waste. You are the next "her"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2008
In reply to: julz22
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 3:37pm

Julz - OMG, your post made me so sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
In reply to: julz22
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 8:42pm
The thing of it is, he wants this SO bad, then when he gets it, he can turn his back on me like he never said those things at all. This is the FOURTH time he's wanted to be with me and I really believed and trusted in him this time because I knew he had gone back for MONTHS not just WEEKS this time and had gone through counseling and been the "good" husband so when he said he didn't feel any differently for her and still loved me, I was willing to take that chance again....apparently, her hold, her guilt trips are stronger than my love. He had asked me just that morning when I told him that I didn't care for him having to go over there so much, didn't I think that his feelings for me were stronger?

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