Found new man- he wants to go back to ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2008
Found new man- he wants to go back to ex
3
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 11:26pm

I have been married for 27 yrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 1:33am

Hi and welcome to the board.

Firstly, if your M is not good, either fix it or leave it, do not have an A. It is not a good way to deal with problems in a M, it will only make them worse. Do not leave your M for another. It is a bad idea, guaranteed to bring heartache to many, yourself being at the top of the list.

Secondly, this man doesn't sound like he's interested in an A with you. It sounds like you've developed feelings and are reading more into the situation than may be there. Or it may be that you have not shared enough for me to see that there is more. You've said reconciling with his xW is her idea - did he tell you that? Because unless you know and communicate with her, you have only one side of the story. If he is reconciling with her, it is because he wants to.

An A is truly a rollercoaster of emotions and not for the feint hearted. You're already experiencing the overwhelming obsession part. That doesn't go away easily. If you fall in love, it gets worse. Then there is when they go NC and nearly all of them do from time to time. If you think you are a confident, sane person, you will lose this. You will second guess yourself and him, doubt yourself, question what things mean, because you can't just call and ask. An A is unbelievably hard. Oh yes, the highs are incredible, the excitement, the passion and especially so when it is new, but the lows are deep, dark places and you wouldn't believe the pain you can feel. You cannot tell anyone and it will take away from your M. I always advise people to look ahead, three months, six months, a year and further. How would this work, what happens if your H finds out? Are you really prepared to lose your M that way?

Finally, you asked what others think you should do? My advice - run, do not walk, run away from this man as far and as fast as you can. Do not start an A with him, it will end your life as you know it. Read the posts on this board to discover what pain and heartache you will get from entering into an A.

pisces
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 8:27am

Mmm.

Well, that's definitely a new spin on "staying married for the kids", anyway.

He's made his intentions clear. If he really liked you, he wouldn't be looking to restart something that ended 14 years ago. He says he doesn't want things to go any further than they have. I think you're just a bit infatuated after being trapped in a bad marriage so long. Focus on resolving that, leave this guy be, and when you're free you can find someone who actually wants things to "go further".

D x

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2008
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 11:24am

Thanks for the advice.