Friend or no? Very long

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Friend or no? Very long
4
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 10:53pm
I am so lost and confused, and honestly I don't have a single person in the world I can talk to right now. I'm not sure if this is the right place for this but hopefully someone can help.

I've been married for almost 3 years, I'm 25 years old (we've been together for a total of 8 years). I moved away from my home state about 6 years ago to be with my now husband. I left behind my family, friends, everything to be with this man, so he could know his father he hadn't seen much of. We had a child together shortly after we were married. About 6 months later, my husband asked me for a divorce, saying he couldn't live with our differences. He stopped sleeping in our bedroom shortly after. I was devastated to say the least, he was the only man I ever saw in my life. Things were really rough for me after that. There was a period of time (about 4 months) where I didn't go outside, not even to check the mail. Put yourself in the worst imaginable place mentally and that's where I was. I felt so bad about myself I never bothered to even try to work on me, like losing the huge amount of weight I had gained from the pregnancy (I was weighing in at 185lbs at the time).

It's weird, one day I woke up and something just kinda 'ticked' inside me, I'd had enough. I put myself stubbornly on a diet and decided a life with my baby and me sounded good to me. I almost feel like a new version of me was born then, because I have never been the same since then. I stayed on that diet and by my birthday I was weighing in at 120lbs. Shocked the hell out of me and everyone around me I guess. Shortly after that, I met someone online, who lives very far from me. Not your typical way of meeting people online, but we had known each other briefly and became quite close.

You see, all during this awful time, I've stayed with my husband because I hadn't been working/couldn't find a job, had no car, no where to go, etc. In fact, I still live with him, the largest reason being I need a large amount of money for medical reasons. My husband and I worked out a plan for a happy divorce, trying to remain friends afterward. We talked on occassion about custody, finances, etc.

One day my husband had come home unexpectedly and I was on the phone with above person. He really freaked out and kept at it, asking me who I was on the phone with, etc. I started feeling a little guilty when he started backing down, and saying he shouldn't be acting that way because it was probably just a friend. I didn't want to hurt him by letting him believe a lie. One day (a few months ago) I couldn't take it anymore, and I told him I met someone, and I was in love with him, and he was planning to move here to be with me (I told him every detail, since he asked).

Out of the blue, my husband freaks out and starts crying, saying I couldn't do that to him and how could I break up our family, how much he loves me, etc. It's odd, but I almost feel numb or something from all of the horrible things I've been going through with him, because I felt absolutely nothing when he was going on this way. No emotion really, except some horrible urge to laugh? I know anyone reading this may think I'm horrible, but I'm really not. It's just how I feel now. Almost like a shell of a person or something. Now just to add another huge mess into all of this...

I didn't have a very easy time living here, I think I tried my hardest to make my time here miserable at first, I resisted every urge to enjoy myself, see the state I had moved to, mostly I guess because all I wanted were my friends and family again.

But, during my 2nd year here, much to my dismay, I got an amazingly fun job where I loved everyone I worked with, I never missed a day because of the enjoyment I found there. One person in particular made my time there the best. It was a guy my age, who even sort of looked like he could be related me (like my male twin). I used to see him sitting by himself all the time, and one day I went to talk to him. He was my closest friend in the world after that. This guy followed me around, was always there, literally, if I stopped walking, he would smash into me, that's how close he always was to me. The sweetest guy in the world, I could talk to him for hours, he was never mean to me, always had me laughing constantly, never complained about any nasty habits, nothing. In one word: perfect. I lost contact with my dear friend when I went on maternity leave at my job. I didn't see him again after that except once for a few minutes about a year after. I was still pretty big and was a little embarrassed (you'd have to see this guy to understand why) so I just sort of 'ran away'. I never saw him again after that.

Well, this was 2 years ago. Everyone I've met since then has had to hear about this guy, he was so special to me, you know the kind of guy no one can live up to. Anyway, I finally found a way to get in touch with my old friend again, through all this hell I've been going through I always wished he was there to talk to, to get me through my tough times. I finally got to see him again, although for some reason things are so very, very different now. He's been sort of sheltered I guess, hasn't gone out much (which is not how this guy was when I knew him). We were talking about meeting (before I saw him) and I told him a little about how I was planning a divorce, etc and since then he's made quite a number of references to us being..intimate. In fact, it's like that alot.

Things aren't so great with the LDR, we haven't spoken in about a month (we used to talk multiples times/day). He didn't understand why I would want to see my friend after he made a reference to us having sex, and of course I have to fight daily with my husband about both the LDR and my friend.

I did go against everyones wishes to see my friend. When he asked me if I wanted to see his bedroom all I kept hearing is everyone yelling in my head about us having sex to the point that's all I was thinking about when I was with him. Here's my problem. I love him, I know I do, I always have. As a friend of course. I wonder now if maybe I did want something to happen? Maybe I am just lonely, but everyone thinks it odd of me to want to spend time with him, even knowing the amount of time I used to talk about him. Of course I want to see him! Things are very different though, but then again, we've only just became reaccustomed to each other again (and we both look VERY different, plus our situations are so different).

Does going/wanting to go spend time with him mean I want something to happen? I've never been so confused in all my life. I've only been with one person since I was a teenager, I'm still weirded out thinking about being with someone else. It's so sad I don't even think about my "boyfriend" anymore, just so caught up thinking about my friend. When we were friends before it was strictly platonic, we weren't flirty, anything! So to hear him say some of the things he is now, is so strange, but deep down it's like I don't care I just want to keep my friend. He hugged me when I left his house and I was scared I wouldn't be able to let go, come to think of it, I think he backed away first (it was so weird). We had gone out to a movie, then went back to his house and watched a movie in his room. I was just lying on his bed with him, although I layed down really far away from him. Now he's making plans with me, then cancelling, then making plans again, etc. I don't know what to do. All I know is I'm fighting with the whole world to keep him in my life because I don't want to lose him again. I'm really confused about my feelings where he's concerned because at the slightest hint my new boyfriend wasn't going to accept my friend I didn't talk to him again. I told him I didn't like to be made to choose, even though I know I ended up choosing my friend. I haven't been with someone in so long I know that must be having some effect on me, that's very unlike me. Ok I'm seriously rambling but I really, really need some help and I just don't have anyone to talk to. Only these guys, I really wish I had someone else.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 12:46pm
jolene, no wonder you're confused, girl!! your H NOW wants you, your online BF wants you and yet, YOU want to be with your friend!

isn't it obvious what you need to do?? pursue the D with your H, that marriage is over and has been for sometime. just because H now decides he wants what he threw away, doesn't mean you should consider giving him another spin! and just because you started some kind of R with the guy online when you were lonely and needed someone to talk to, doesn't mean he's the "love of your life" either!

now for the "friend" - let's call him your NEW boyfriend, shall we. because he is. you were friends for what two years before your maternity leave and then lost touch. you found him again and now you two are dancing around each other, trying to figure out how to move forward. date him for goodness sake! are you attracted to him, physically, emotionally, spiritually...? if so, go for it with him.

relax and enjoy the ride with your NEW BF! you are only 25 and there's so much of life to live. go for it!!

gurl

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 12:57pm
Once again, I agree with Gurl! Jo, your H sounds like a real monkey's A*&&*. Dump him like a HOT patato! He doesn't deserve you! It's the same ole song and dance. Men always want something that someone else has, even if they already had it. They can be such idiot's...... Good luck and remember the most important thing is for you to love yourself and your child. Men will come and go, trust me I'm old so I know this stuff:):) OH and Gurl, you save me typing time because you take the words right out of my mouth sometimes:):) NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 1:01pm
nomo, that's because great (and old!!! - lol) minds think alike!! are you sure you're not my twin sister??

but seriously, jolene, make yourself and your child happy. go for what you want. just make sure it IS WHAT YOU WANT!!

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 7:27pm
Thanks so much for the kind replies. I can't believe how much better I feel already. I realized so much these past few days and I guess I was just scared to admit to anything. I will keep anyone interested posted.