friends after affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
friends after affair
8
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 9:59am
Hey girls!

i am wondering......What is your opinion on being able to remain friends with your MM after the A? My MM and I were the best of friends before the A, and were for a long time. Now the A is over, but we are still hanging out, going to dinner, having coffee, talking and emailing, just no sex. Is this possible? Or is it making things difficult?

Thanks!

sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 10:41am
I had this A back 3 years ago with a guy who was in a very committed relationship. He lived about 4 hours away so we didn't see each other every much but we did spend about 5 months in an A. He would come up every couple of weekends and we would talk every night on the phone. When I met someone, I ended it. But we've remained friends to this day. I haven't seen him in 2.5 years but we do email each other almost every day and I do consider him to be one of my best friends. He's still with the same girl and I'm now married. Neither his gf or my H know that we talk. We've just made plans to see each other again because I'm so missing him. 2.5 years is too long to go without seeing one of your best friends. So yes, it is possible. I would have hated to loose him as a friend. For a while, just after we ended the A, things slowed down as in talking and stuff but within probably 6 months, we were back to being good friends. When you share such an amazing connection with someone it's very hard to just move on and forget them. I have no idea what will happen when I see him. I'm worried all the old feelings will rush back.....but we'll see!!!

hugs

"blue"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 11:03am
thanks blue! :)

MM and I were the best of friends before, so i think we shouldn't sacrifice the friendship for an ended A, but we still love eachother very much, we are still both married........and i am not sure what the future will bring. We know if we should be together, that we need to be together if and when our marriages do not work. I mean, we must leave our marriages because our marriages are over, if they are, and not b/c of the love we have for eachother. The future will tell. But for now, i don't want to be without his friendship, but I also have a hard time seeing him without thinking too much. I miss him terribly! We have dinner or coffee every month or so, but we see eachother at the gym everyother day. It is hard, it has only been 6 months since the A ended, and it was mutual to end, but i miss him still. Time will heal!

thanks!

sassy
Avatar for cheshireliz
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 3:35pm
I think that it would be a wonderful idea if it can stay that way. How did you end your affair? Was it mutual or did one of you say it had to end? Did someone find out? I am in the process of trying to end my affair because I have to know he will leave his wife if he really wants to be with me. Even if you don't have any advice to give, I think that you are lucky that you can stay friends considering that's so hard when ending any type of affair. -Liz
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 7:12pm
I think it is definitely possible to remain friends after the A ends. However, I also think that possibility has everything to do with how well the two communicate and the level of respect for one another. My MM is my best friend, and we have made it clear that no matter what happens with this A, our friendship is THE most important element. If (I really should be realistic and say when) this A ends, we will do everything we can to ensure that our friendship remains.

I'm glad to hear of others who have maintained the friendship after the A is over. Just because certain relationships don't work out, does not mean there is anything specifically wrong with the individuals involved. Things don't always have to end badly....sometimes they just end.

Hugs,

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 4:03pm

Hi sassy,


I think it's good that you have been able to remain friends and why shouldn't you? a lot of affairs don't usually end this way as one party to the relationship has more than likely stretched the boundaries and things have not ended up the way they wanted and after that it's hard to remain friends.


My MM has always said that if I want out, he would respect my decision... as I would his... and I like to think that under these circumstances we would remain friends... I think the only way we wouldn't is for something to go extremely wrong... which I don't even dare to think about.


As long as you both agree with the situation and neither of you want more from it... then go ahead and enjoy the friendship that you have.


luv and hugs

Sweet
Community Leader My Affair Support
email me at sweetc_@hotmail.com

"Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly"

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 9:02pm
I don't really have much experience in this thing considering this is my first EMA. I think it would depend on the feelings MM and I have for each other. We always said that if things were to end, that we would try to be friends again. I don't know how I would be. At the moment, I think it would be really hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 11:35pm
Only you can know if it will be difficult-it depends on the kind of relatinship you have. I know that the basis of my relationship is friendship so we will be friends----unless like you said something happens to destroy the friendship, like he breaks my trust in him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:43am
hi liz

we actually decided together that we needed to go back to our resepctive homes and take care of unfinished business......very hard b/c we love eachother, and our spouses are not where we want to be, but if we leave our M, it is for ourselves, not eachother, we leave b/c the M is over, and take care of ourselves first. i am not sure where the cards will fall, but our friendship is important, and that comes first. although it is extremely hard not to look at him and think into it, or long to be with him, but i respect him enough to hold back, which again is hard. but you do what you have to. everything happens for a reason, and and if is is meant to be, it will. but for now, i am taking care of me! good luck!