"friends" after the fact/is it possible?
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| Thu, 04-23-2009 - 12:33am |
Ok so most of you know the story between (x)AP and I.
After telling me last Tuesday we can no longer be associated, we have been chatting up a storm the past 2 days.
Yesterday I told him I would be his friend, but I would not put any pressures of "meeting" with him. I have ZERO expectations of him and I told him this. I also told him that if divorce was his fate, I would not be the catalyst to getting him there; if he decided to ever step outside his current marriage again, I would not be party to it. Those comments I made to him, I think were made more to convince myself than him.
Today, things were extremely flirtatious for most of our chat. Then it got mushy. Telling me "There are so many things I love about you and so many things about you I am in love with, your H has no idea how lucky he is". "Everything about you is so right, so perfect, so hot...and what makes it even more so is that you don't know you are all these things to me". SIGH, yes I do. You have told me.
Is it at all possible to return to platonic friends after the sex, after the "I love yous"? After 2 d-days? Is it? Because if I am wasting my time and prolonging the inevitable hurt...I need and want to know. I do not want to lose this man as a frined, and I do not want to further jeopardize his decision making process. Any decisions he makes have to be made because that is how he wants it to be. I am extremely confused right now.

Definitely not. If it was that easy then A's would end easily and everyone would remain freinds.
At this point in my life I would have to disagree with the others. I have and still am very good friends with my XAP.
As a matter of fact we are best friends. We still talk about everything including our marriages and families. He to has told me some of the same things that your XAP is telling you like, your husband does not know how lucky he is, you are sexy and of course the you don't know how much I love you.
We have not been in the A for almost 8 months now. (it went on for over 3yrs.) Are there days it is hard because of the feelings I have? You bet, sometimes I call his office voicemail just to hear his voice or I keep old voicemails he has left me to hear him say my name. Silly I know.
But I think my life would be a lot emptier without him and even if the only physical contact we ever have again is the "friendship" goodbye hug, I need/want those too.
So in answer to your question, I do think it is possible...I am living it.
Oh Gal.
I am going to tell you right up front that there will be people that tell you they are great friends with their former APs.
It is MY opinion however that a friendship with a former AP (if you are staying in your marriages, or one of you is) is nothing more than a shift from a PA/EA into an EA.
I tend to believe that maintaining a friendship after an A is simply a way to keep the proverbial door propped open for the possibility of future rekindling. I also believe that any healing that needs to happen after the A ends will be completely hampered if the AP is still in your life as a "friend".
I guess the truest test though would be to ask yourself if you could actually be friends with your AP. Can you be JUST friends? Can you be supportive of him as he stays married and/or starts a new A. Can you turn off all the feelings of more than friendship you have/had? If you can honestly say yes, well more power to you.
Very good points from everyone.
I guess the truest test though would be to ask yourself if you could actually be friends with your AP. Can you be JUST friends? Can you be supportive of him as he stays married and/or starts a new A. Can you turn off all the feelings of more than friendship you have/had? If you can honestly say yes, well more power to you.
We were friends for 3 yrs before this went physical. Recalling some of our past conversations, I still don't see the EA qualities from our prior platonic friendship. So, could I actually be friends with AP? I already was. Can I turn off all the feelings? I think that's possible. We fall out of love with our spouses (hence having As), right? The whole time we have known one another, we have, in fact, been supportive of the other's M and working on Ms. I know, that's kind of delusional thinking; to honestly "work" on an M, you need to rid yourself of the AP...I get that part. If he started another A could I be spportive? No, I could not.
I just, at this time, feel that I have to squash my feelings, as does he, to maintain a friendship. I would be miserable without him in my life in some way. I know this because as short lived as our NC periods have been, I have been miserable and I do not have the strength to let time work its healing powers. I'm pathetic and this is stupid; I know.
Wow, I could have written those exact words.
I totally agree with you and I am living it also. After 3 years together and now 8 months apart, we are still friends. We talk on the phone every week. We share everything, we reminisce about our times together, we laugh, we flirt, we tease, we still say I love you before we hang up.Sure its difficult at times and I too will call him just to hear his voice.
But I too can not imagine my life without him. i would rather have his friendship then nothing at all. He is working on his marriage and I respect that. However, I do feel he is in an EA with me.
So I feel it is possible to remain friends once you realize thats all you will be and dont go into it hoping and things will change. I appreciate that he thinks enough of me to want to be friends. Its not a bad thing and does help you get through the difficult break up part.
Gosh this board has been a lifesaver for me. I thank you for replying to the post I was begining to think I was kidding myself that we are just friends and that I was holding on to something that will never be again.
I do love him and am very happy that he is stepping up and trying to save his marrage. I too have attempted the same. We too talk about our past and the shoulda, coulda,wouldas that go along with it. I have no regrets about any of it and from what he tells me he dosen't either.
Here is the part that I did leave out of the first post....I am also very good friends with his W. I know there are a lot of things that could be said about that too, but we were friends before and with her not knowing what went on, we are still the same friends.
I think that may have also helped me in the adjustment because part of me does not want to see her or the children hurt. Not to say that if my XAP and I were serious about leaving what we have for the unknown I wouldn't jump on it in a heartbeat. (Yes the bad friend's evil side shows here)
So my XAP and I do both maybe also havea little of
shadowz-