friends and affairs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
friends and affairs
9
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:24am
I plan on moving out this Sunday and having my best friend help me. He was my best man, and I returned the favor three weeks ago. He knows my W pretty well obviously, but over the years they have gone from being pretty good friends to being fairly adversarial unless they both are in a good mood. Which isn't too often.

When the W and I were kind of apart prior to getting married, he was prudent in his words but still pretty clear about his thoughts of how she treated me. When she and I got back together, he went with it, though I find out now he had real reservations about whether I should marry her. Not a good spot to be in, and I don't blame him for keeping it quiet.

Here's the thing: he has absolutely no idea about my A. I had a six month online A with OW before she moved here six months ago... so that's a year... and I've told... umm... one person, and that was last weekend, and he doesn't live local. That person was my other best friend, and he took it pretty well. But he hasn't been around day to day in nearly ten years.

I really would like to share my life with my friend. I am still moving in alone and taking my time, but I am feeling pretty definite about making a life with the OW. To be honest, cazrida's post today really shook me to my core; I just can't let this OW slip away from me, and I heard a lot of her words in cazrida's post and I realize how close I am to her departure. Like I posted earlier today, it's making the decision that starts the motion, and I finally have; I hope it's not too late.

OK, so my best friend wants me to be happy, I know that. And he said he'd support me no matter what I had decided about staying or going since this really came to the forefront a few months ago. But... he doesn't have all of the information. He's a good and dutiful Catholic boy of 35 who comes from parents who broke up because his father was a womanizer. He said the other day it was sad my M seemed to be ending and he knew kind of how hard it is (he ended a 13 year relationship, but they weren't married.) He said it was tough when you weren't mad at her, it would be easier if she had done something terrible like cheating or was a drug abuser. So it certainly *seems* like a bad idea to tell him now.

On the other hand, as close as he and I are... well, to be blunt, I've usually been the better friend. And I'm ok with that, it's who I am. So part of me wants to tell him this thing that is so important to me and if he can't deal... forget him. Either way, I think it would mean a lot to the OW to know I am finally making her my priority in some way. And at this point, in some ways I'm almost ready to throw the dice on my friendship because he has let me down several times as well. The OW really hates being secret and in truth I'd love to shout it from the mountaintop. But starting at one important person in my life might have meaning to her.

Anyone have first hand experience with this? Insights? Curses? Humorous observations about how I seem to have something to say to everyone but myself?

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 2:43am


Hi Rain,

What are you doing up at this hour of the morning? LOL (We won't talk about the time on my post, ok?)

MM told his best friend about me in January and even though things haven't gone as I hoped for, I still take comfort in the fact that our relationship mattered enough to him that he would share that with him. I have a small connection to his real life, and frankly I treasure that knowledge. This is the same friend, BTW, who has the letter telling him to contact me if something were to happen to MM, so even though I've never met him, I know that MM's trying to take care of me in whatever way he can.

It was a big step for him, too. When he told our friends, he told people that we know, but that his W did not know. Yes, they could make things difficult for us in some ways, if they wanted...but they were _our_ friends. When he told his best friend, though, he told the man who is part of MM's closest inner circle. His friend's wife is MM's wife's best friend as well, and they share everything. It was no small step.

And I'm glad, even today, that he knows. MM has someone he can talk to when he needs to talk. (Although I suspect they don't do that often. MM is a _very_ private person.) And I know that my importance in his life is neither fake, or passing.

Yes, it would mean a lot to OW. It almost took my breath away when he called and told me about the conversation. And I could hear the joy in his voice, as well.

But if I thought that his friend wouldn't hold the information in the tightest confidence until the time was right to really share, I wouldn't have wanted it shared at all. Be careful. If OW loves you half as much as you love her, she doesn't want to risk your being hurt.

If you can trust him, though...what a wonderful gift. ::smiles::



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 8:42am
Hey you two, go to bed will ya?? *grin*

I advise against telling friends even if they been your friend for many years. My frined of many years turned against me and called me all kind of things when I told her about it. We don't talk anymore. :( So its really a gamble when you tell friends things as sensitive as affair. So give you best thoughts on this and i am sure there are other posters who will give their advice on this topic. Gotta go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:39am
This is tough question Rain, cause you cant know how he will react really until you tell him. My MM has told all 3 of his kids, his best friend, his brothers, a few nieces, his accoutant, doctor, pretty much everyone who is important to him. We vacation together and everyone there knows I am not his wife. I worry sometimes that their reaction to me is not what he really thinks, he feels most of them are happy I have made him happy..his oldest daughter has told me that, and his brother and sister in law. I have told my brother and a dear friend who lives 2000 miles away, and that is it. Both of them were wonderful and understanding and truly want my happiness.

It seems you want to do this not so much because you want him to know as much as you want the woman you love to feel she is becoming part of your life and is your biggest priority. Ihave to tell... I wouldnt care if my MM had told anyone..... but if he was moving out his house and on his own that would be the strongest signal in the world to me that i was a priority! Can that be enough for her for awhile? Can moving out show her your conviction to your relationship, and give your friends a chance to digest that your marriage is ending? There is no real reason to not tell them, except that if the 2 of you become a couple will they resent her as being the OW and possibly the reason for your breakup? Also..you say this man had a father who was a womanizer.... might his feelings be colored by that? All just food for thought.. but as with Caz, maybe baby steps??

LB
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:41am
Rain, Rain, Rain... hmmmmm.... oh la la

Ahem, I am sorry got a little carried away there... Seriously though I don't know what the right answer is here. There are some friends that can be trusted and there are some bad apples. You know your friend best and trust your instinct, it will never fail you. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 12:29pm
Rain ~

I dont know what to say it is a hard decision to make.

A long time ago my Best Friend found out what was going on with me and basically freaked out on me. It was a horrible mess!She has known me and my H for basically 20 yrs, she wanted to tell him, she could not even bare to come to my hous eand sit across the room from my H knowing what I was doing and could not understand cause (her words here) "YOUR HUSBAND LOVES & ADORES YOU AND WORSHIPS THE GROUND YOU WALK AND AND YOUR STILL NOT HAPPY!" I wound up making amens with her and now I basically lie to her to make things easier.very few and I do mean very few people know about My A.Acutally only 2 people & they know who MM is, & where he works and lives and stuff and actually have spoken and seen him.It is kinda funny thoes 2 people who I trust with that infomation are actually having their own A's. Imagine that! I was shocked!

But I think if your friends Dad was a womanizer and stuff I dont know how easy he would be able to accept this coming out of your mouth. But you know your friend best and if your gut tells you go on and tell him.... then do just that...

I hope what every you decide to do it all works out for you in the end. Best of luck in making this decision!

MGT
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:19pm
rain -- you need to take the chance with your friend and tell him what's going on -- but after you move out and have a few weeks' of singledom under your belt. invite him over to the new apt., have a beer and let it all out. yes, his dad was a womanizer, while he was married to his mother. you are doing the best thing for you, OW just happens to be part of the plan. and besides, your friend didn't want you to actually marry your W, but backed you up when you decided to do the deed. he should be that supportive now that you are moving forward with your life.

my best friend knows and aids and abets my A. i did tell another girlfriend and she was supportive at first, but a little judgemental later. so she thinks the A is over. so basically, it's your call whether to tell or keep silent. as another poster said, just the act of you leaving, moving to your own apt. and leaving the M should make OW happy.

good luck with your new future rain. you're a very cool man!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 5:30pm
hi Rain...My Opinion on this is to just start telling people --- it's been hidden all this time NOW is the time to come clean and see who really supports your happiness.


I have found with my A the hardest thing about it is keeping my feelings about MM to myself --- He's amazing in my eyes and heart and mind - and I want to be able to share this to the world -

My thing is this...some people really really really care what certain people think of them.

I am not one of these people - My MM is - you will know your true friends as you begin to tell them how you met OW -- answer people's questions truthfully and stress that ....'it feels great to tell someone I have been holding this in for so long' ----

You will make that person feel like a trusted confidant --- you may get bad and good reactions but your true friends are the ones that support you and keep their mouths shut.

Aren't friends great !!!

Good Luck

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:54am
Hello Rain,

I feel compelled to offer my experience, since you have been so instrumental in opening my eyes to various opinions and insights regarding my current situtation.

It all comes down to the decision making process, as you pointed out to me, and whether you can live with that decision.

My female "best friend" knows everything. I told her, not to make my MM feel like he was a priority, but to alleviate some of my guilt and generally just because I could no longer keep my feelings pent up (that of course, was before I found this board). I was expecting her to "back me up" so to speak - to provide me with justification for my actions. It turns out, I was wrong in this decision.

Oh, don't get me wrong. At first, she was very supportive and helpful in her opinions. She is married for the second time, and I've always looked at her with admiration that she has the opportunity of a second chance at a wonderful relationship with someone she truly loves, and with this in mind, I figured she would be one of my best advisor's.

However, I am now feeling that she is distancing herself from me. We live in the same neighbourhood, and we do socialize as couples often. We have been friends since childhood, so our husbands have basically fallen into being "my wife's friends husband". Her first reaction to my news was "You can't have both" and "Don't play H for a fool".

Now that everything is out in the open with my H, and she is aware, that no matter what - my H still wants me in his life, that he is still treating me with love and respect, and that my H and I are trying to work on our R - she has begun to look at me with disgust and disdain. In some ways, I think she may be a bit jealous that I have been fortunate in finding, not one man, but two men, whom love me - and especially that I have a H who would walk the moon for me. She now finds every opportunity to add innuendoes to our conversations which lead me to believe that she doesn't really think I am derservant of my H's love. I truly believe that she thinks I should have ended up "out on the street" alone.

Our (yours and my) situations are different in that you are moving out. BTW, I'm so happy for you that you have been able to reach your decision, and I wish you all the best! My suggestion to you, is that you wait for awhile before telling your friend. I'm sure, that being the kind of person and friend you are, that he has a lot of respect and admiration for you - and I believe that telling him now may only alter his opinion of you, and for what reason.

Yes, it would be nice to let someone else into your beautiful new life, and yes, it would make your OW feel like a priority - but based on how you describe your friend - how will it make you feel if you don't get the reaction you are hoping for. Subsequently, how will your OW feel if you end up losing or having to let go of a friendship as a result of your R with her. Oh, immediately she may feel great in the fact that you are willing to go that far for her (she already knows this anyway), but eventually she may feel guilty herself (I know that I would).

I think that it is important to protect your current friendships during this life-altering experience so that you end up maintaining contact with those that know your history even though you and OW will eventually bridge new relationships with "together friends". Also, you have said that your W does not know about OW and that you don't want her to. So jeopardizing this friendship could also result in gossip, which could ultimately bring to light your R with OW to your W.

I apologize if my thoughts seem to be all over the place this morning. My head is spinning.

I hope that I have returned the favour in helping you at all.

Take care,

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:33pm
She and I met close to 3 years ago, then separated for 2 and finally got back together. While we were apart she got married and joined her husband's circle of friends, not to mention that a man she married has been her best male friend for as long as she can remember. She left her marriage recently and with that she lost all their mutual friends and - and this is really killing her - him as a friend, and I am not sure if she is ever going to get over this loss entirely. I have a few close friends that I'd love to introduce her to. Just like you I can barely resist wanting to shout from the mountaintops and let the entire universe know. But she is not comfortable with the idea her reason being that she is not yet divorced, so - for the sake of her peace of mind I am not telling anyone until our status is concrete. She and I have one mutual female friend who knows our situation and has been very supportive in everything - offering my SO, after separation, to share her apartment until the divorce is final, being a shoulder for my SO to cry on, her confidant and advisor for the whole time and also doing a great job bringing me back to my senses when I somewhat lose my ability to think straight.

It is certainly up to you to decide what to do in your situation, but frankly - if a friend cannot accept the most important person in my life no matter how "wrong" he may think we are - I'd reconsider our friendship.

As far as not being able to help ourselves while being quite capable of helping others - God, Rain, if we were as wise, sane and unbiased in our own situations as we are when it comes to someone else's - we wouldn't be on this board!