friends with benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2008
friends with benefits
14
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 11:35pm

In short, I'm having an A with my good friend of over 3 1/2 years. I am going thru a divorce and he and his wife haven't been intimate in over 9 months. He has never been unfaithful until now and I never was unfaithful when I was married so this seems so crazy to both of us. Crazy that

Phoenix Firebird 08

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 9:59am

Since you say you haven't really developed feelings for him yet, I'd say RUN. You act like that's the responsible thing to do, but I say it's the selfish thing to do - healthy selfishness as in self preservation.

You're starting a new life - you have SO MANY options in front of you!! You can do what you like and go where you like - probably for the first time in a very long time. You can explore friendships like you couldn't when you were married. You can develop interests and passions - based on just your own feelings. And you can experiment with finding the right partner, if you want one. Go out, meet people, find someone truly suited to YOU.

If you keep hanging with him, you run a huge risk of falling in love (it's practically guaranteed if you have good sex - it's the chemicals - trust me). If you fall in love and get that chemical addiction, then your world will revolve around when you'll see him, when you'll hear from him, why he isn't calling, etc. ad nauseum. He won't leave his wife (most likely, no matter what he says he feels) so this could go on for years. Do you want to tie up the next so many years of your life this way? You have a chance to get away from the situation without suffering any pain at this point - take this chance!! Get yourself away - live your life with freedom.

I hope the best for you. :-)

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 10:40am

You ask "be responsible, or be selfish for awhile longer?" and you've been good friends for 3 1/2 years. So....although you may not be in love - you definitely have some feelings for this guy. I'd bet many of the people here started as friends with benefits - i know i did. 4 years of friendship led to an A, which has now been going on for 4 years. Neither of us wanted to leave our spouses, or have a "relationship", but as time goes on, things start happening that you can't predict. My AP is married with 4 kids, me with 2, and if it were possible for us not to hurt our spouses, and money was no issue, i still don't think we would wind up together. We love each other, we make each other happy, we talk every day, and see each other maybe once a month. I'm not advocating what I am doing, or what you are doing, because if it ever were to be found out, things would be bad. But if you can accept that this man may be in your life maybe forever, as a good friend with benefits, and you are careful.....might not be a bad thing. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would disagree with me, and I understand, but sometimes you just meet someone who just seems to fit in your life at that moment.

Hope that made sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 7:45pm
My AP and i had been VERY good friends for 14 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 8:57pm

I knew my AP for six or seven years before we started our A. We were both dating other people when our A started, then subsequently married them while still maintaining the A. We decided at the outset that our relationship would be a FWB, with no expectations of a future together. That's what we've been able to maintain. I'm currently about to be divorced, while my AP is still married. Our A is still going - though it's been put on and off hold while I've gone through a few relationships with available, single men. Well, it's actually more not going right now - as I've found one heck of a singe available man and I'm pursuing him.

So what to do? I guess it depends. Can you keep feelings out of the A? If you can truly keep it a FWB and keep expectations of a future out of it, then why not continue to have some fun? BUT - know that you are risking his marriage and his future and your reputation if you do so. If you don't think you can keep feelings out of it, and by now you should have a pretty good idea of whether you can, then you're better off ending it NOW and getting out while the getting is good. Also, for BOTH of you - you need to figure out what you stand to lose if this A does come to light. That may help you make the "right" decision for the two of you. Can you stand whatever the consequences would be if everyone found out?

I've been able to maintain my FWB for what, six years I think it is. We are truly FRIENDS who do what we do to have fun. Sure, our friendship has deepened beyond what I'd have ever imagined, but both of us truly put one another's best interests first and stay within the "rules" we set at the beginning. Our rules were, 1) There is no future for us. 2) Avoiding detection is the primary directive. 3) When this ceases to work for either one of us, then we will quit - no harm no foul. For us, open honest communication has been key.

Hope that gives you some things to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2008
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 1:30am

Thank you all for responding to my post. I think each one of you gave me something to think about and a perspective that maybe I've thought about but don't want to consider. I honestly don't want to stop the A at this point. It is working for both of us but we do need to set some ground rules and there is that issue of feeling guilty and the fear of really anyone finding out. Luckily we live a couple hours away from each other but we have been talking more and almost daily. I admit, I like a friend who is a guy to talk to right now. Are we using each other? I think probably but we're ok with that for right now. We just like how comfortable we feel with each other and how we can be ourselves without judging the other or fearing we will be judged by the other person. What a freeing feeling. Whether that is apart of the friendship or developing more because of the physical connection as well, who knows. For those who said I should RUN, I agree. For the person who said if it works in your life right now (or something like that, sorry don't remember the quote exactly), I agree. Who knows what I will do but I do appreciate your input and insight.


Thanks!!

Phoenix Firebird 08
Phoenix Firebird 08
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 1:46pm

FWB


If only it were as easy as it sounds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 5:08pm

I've known my "friend"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 5:38pm

Lexione


I hate to admit this, but I think you are right on the money. The only problem is I can't bring myself to say No to the A. We saw each other again and I expressed some of my doubts and misgivings about the whole A and he has some of the same yet we connect and it gets better each time. (It's gotta be the chemicals like you say!) I am feeling an increasing need to want to spend more time with him and it's frustrating when we can't, either due to his family or just the logistics of how far away we live from each other. The time we do spend together is generally limited to about 3 hours at a time and saying good-bye is becoming harder and harder. I'm trying to keep this

Phoenix Firebird 08
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 5:45pm

Shari


I understand what you are saying and mean. How do you keep it separate in your brain? Do you still feel guilt? Did you in the beginning? How come you are still in the A even though married? I apologize if I'm being too personal but I'm trying to figure out if I should stay or go. I think it would be the right thing to do would be to end it but when we are together it seems so right and but afterwards when we are apart it seems so wrong. Then, I generally get over feeling wrong about it to just thinking it is wrong but I don't want to end it. Does this make sense? If I choose to keep this going I hope the remorse and guilt minimize over time b/c so far it's getting increasingly more with the increasingly better physical connection. I am rather confused but appreciate what you guys have said on here.

Phoenix Firebird 08
Phoenix Firebird 08
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 5:59pm

What does it mean to truly keep feelings out of the A?

Phoenix Firebird 08

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