Friends with the wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Friends with the wife?
8
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 9:38pm
I saw this discussion further down on the board and wondered if you all would mind revisiting it for a newbie's sake. Are any of you friends with your MM's wife? As I said in my first post, we (the three of us) do a lot of things together. Go out to dinner, cook at home, movies, bowling, etc. We are involved in many church functions together. We're even going on a vacation together. It's a very comfortable situation. They aren't overly affectionate with each other, but they're not distant either. I like this woman. Does that make sense to anyone else? I feel like we're a breath away from everything being out in the open. I would never take that on myself to do, and I would never ask him to either. Plus, I think she wouldn't want to know for certain. But aside from the time he and I spend alone together, some of my best times are when the three of us are hanging out together or we're doing something with all the kids (his three and my one -- all teens). Anyone else?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 12:00am
I am not friends with MM's W - as far as I know she doesn't even

know I exist and that is the way I want to keep it

I haven't ever seen her in person and the only photo I have seen

of her was taken 7 years ago

It is hard enough sharing a man with this woman whom she

thinks she trusts - let alone being her friend and betraying

her that way as well

I know what I do is wrong - but It would be way too hard to

have that sort of relationship - I am one of the few who also

DO NOT work with MM - he and I met randomly as if by FATE -

Kikki

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 8:40am
In my case I knew my MM's wife before I knew him, the only thing is we are not and were not friends. I would not and could not do this to a friend. She is an aquaintence at best. Where in our situation I could become friends with her, I have put even more distance between us. Fortunately for me she isn't an affectionate person, so in the rare case I am around her AND him, I don't have to see her all over him. I couldn't imagine being friends and around it all the time. I guess if you take out any emotion you could, just not my style I guess.

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 11:44am
His wife is one of my best friends.

We don't spend a lot of time together because they live about 2.5 hours away, but this weekend we are going away together. He is in email contact with my husband as well, as they are friends because the W and I are friends.

The upside of this arrangement is that I never have to hide the fact that I'm calling. I know her work hours (though she doesn't really know I know her schedule) and I call when she's not home to talk to him. Then if it ever comes up, he can say that I was calling for her.

The thing that sucks is that he can't really call me because he doesn't have the built-in excuse I do. He and my H don't talk on the phone.

This is all very new to me, as our A started in February. We've been together three times since then; haven't quite made it all the way but eventually.......

KC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 12:25pm
I'm so glad you wrote, KC. I was afraid that on a board where we are all doing something technically "wrong," that I would wind up being more "wrong" than anyone else! Maybe this is a huge rationalization, but I've been looking at it this way, I don't feel I'm betraying her because I'm not trying to break up their marriage. There have been times he's come to me to tell me about something she did or didn't do that caused a fight, and i've asked him to look more closely at the situation, examine whether maybe he was to blame at all, calmed him down so that he went home and talked to her more rationally about it. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm being noble or a hero or anything (both of which some people from another board that I mistakenly thought was a safe place to talk about this accused me of). I love him. He's not leaving his family, at least not now, maybe never. I feel that if he's going to stay there and he and I can be happy with the time we have together and good times as a "family" with everyone, then why shouldn't he be happy when he's at home. I don't want him fighting with her every day, and I don't want him to be the kind of nasty person who creates fights or purposely hurts her. And even though, at times, it's tempting to jump all over something she does and try to make him see that things could be better if he left her, that's just not me. If that happens, it has to happen because it came from him and because he's ready and because he can deal with, not because I created some sort of artificial urgency in his heart. I know that if he left her, I could fill any kind of void he might feel from not being with her; but I could never fill the void he would feel from not going home to his kids and his granddaughter every day. I don't want him to become one of the walking wounded, and I think that's what would happen if he left those kids right now. My God, it is such a relief to be able to say these things somewhere. My friends who know about this think I'm nuts and that I should be trying to make him leaver her. Thank you all, again, for this forum and safe haven.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:01pm
Great points! It sounds like you are very clear about things, and I think it's great!! I feel relief at being able to talk about this here, too!! It has only been two months and already I feel like I'm carrying around a boatload of stuff that I just want to talk about somewhere. Looks like y'all get to be the lucky listeners. LOL!

KC
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:24pm
I'm happy to listen, KC, and offer any insights I can. My love and I have been together for two and a half years. We had a pagan handfasting (or committment) ceremony and exchanged vows that incorporated our special circumstances. I wear his ring. We've stayed together through things that might have broken up a lot of traditionally married couples. I mention all this to let you know that, even though every relationship is unique, I'm sure that whatever you're feeling, I've probably felt it and worked through it, as i'm sure many others on the board have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:28pm
I'm not proud, but I'll share with you that I am best friends with my MM and his W.. it's not easy, but it also gives us a chance to be together more often.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:36pm
Hi Blade! Yes, I"m friends with my MM's wife! She a great woman! They cooked dinner last weekend for me and my girlfriend when we were up in the mountian. His W had to leave for a business trip the next day and ask me if he could ride back down the mountian with us:):) It was a fun and exciting trip home:):) NMR!