Frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Frustrated
1
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 10:28am
I don't want to start an affair, but what do you do with a spouse who pushes you towards it by neglecting you??? We've been married over 3 years, both 43, have an adorable 2 year old daughter, and the spice of the marriage has gone out of it and I don't know how to get it back. He stays on the computer day in/day out ebaying, and I flat out told him this weekend he was neglecting me and our daughter because of it. His response was to flip me off with both fingers, get his clothes laid out on the bed like he was going to walk out on us, and get in the shower. I have put my own job on the line to help him in his career, had my tubes tied back so I could give him a child because he lost his son through a nasty divorce, I go to the grocery every day at lunch to make sure our family has what they need, I do the bills, clean the house, do the laundry - he does most of the cooking because, I suspect, he doesn't like mine although he says that's not true. We have not been out as a couple, other than a couple of times deer hunting, since our anniversary in June. I told him he makes me feel like our daughter and me are boring. Our sex life is crud - the same way every time and I wonder if I didn't initiate if he ever would. He told me the other day that he is very sneaky. Now I wonder if he's being sneaky with somebody else on the internet. I check our home email, the messages have all been deleted. I really don't think he's doing anything, but the thoughts for me are there. If he would only take me out regularly - is that so much trouble??? He says he has fun going out with me. Act like it! I did have an affair on my last dh - and I don't want to do that again - I know it's not right. But he had treated me terribly for a long time, had several affairs himself, and I just got to the breaking point. Why won't men ever change when you say you need something, and then are surprised, upset and shocked when you do have an affair???! Marriage is so difficult when things don't click. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten married again at all - my career is demanding, and maybe I don't have what it takes to be totally faithful to somebody. I know other people are starting to look good, and I know that's not a good sign. Any constructive comments are appreciated. I am warning him, and he's not listening or responding. What more can I do?? :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: chic45
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 11:09am
hey chic -- i'm sorry you're going through this, and you've only been married for 3 years! i would think your H would try a little harder this time around since it's his second M and it sounds like you've done everything to help him accomplish his goals.

here's my 2 suggestions:

1 - your H needs to get off that computer; and

2 - you need couples counseling. someone objective needs to let him know that his neglect and inattention, plus his computer addiction, only spells doom for the R and M.

divorce #2 is looming for him! and you.

chic, you have to take back control of YOUR life and your child's life too. resume your career, get back into the world and move forward with your interests. spend your off time with your child and do things to make yourself happy. if your H doesn't come around soon, you should look into a separation.

be strong and in control. take care and good luck,

gurl