Is fulfillment a fantasy?
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| Fri, 10-24-2003 - 1:14pm |
Another question which crept up after reading the "Am I crazy" thread several days ago is will we as women ever be fulfilled? One of the things I consider when contemplating leaving my marriage is the possibility of one day actually meeting someone so wonderful that I would never even feel the urge to cheat. In that thread, Lilah stated that "One person can't be all things to another person", and though based on only the experiences I've had so far, I am in complete agreement. But how sad is that? Doesn't that mean that the fundamental concept of marriage is innately flawed? I've actually thought this for some time and even used it as justification to myself for continuing my A, but as I edge closer and closer to divorce, I wonder if that's really the answer. I mean, why go through all that hell just to end up in another situation where I'm equally unhappy? I suppose the other alternative is to stay single, but over time, that's probably unlikely to happen. I am just so confused about what a marriage is supposed to be or what it can be. I honestly do not think I know anyone that is happily married, and I am deeply saddened by the prospect that these unions exist only in fairytales. Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated. TIA.
--nutso

Getting out of my marriage and having a future with OM would definitely be a fanatasy - but at what cost? More of the same issues that I deal with H everyday except that we have fireworks in the bedroom? To me fireworks in the bedroom does matter but not to the extent of breaking up my presnt marriage for it. I guess I am settling for the less than perfect solution but who says everything in life has to be perfect? My two cents....
Edited 10/24/2003 2:05:54 PM ET by new_life_iv
Edited 9/20/2004 2:06 pm ET ET by seansluv
Like you, I'm married - 20 unfulfilling years. Ten years ago, I though I just can't do this anymore. Where is my knight in shining amour? The one who cuddles, wants to go for walks, seems interested in me and my life. Spoke to my late mother about leaving and two close friends. In short, they said, there is no perfect man out there. They simply aren't wired to be everything for us. Hopefully they are there for good sex and the heavy lifting, everything you have girlfriends for, or find within yourself. Also, they pointed out, while I could earn "a living", it would be financial struggle. They told me to invision working 8-10 hours, coming home, helping with homework, cooking dinner, cleaning and washing, then trying to make ends meet financially. Then, one of these women said, "Find your own happiness and fulfillment...it may mean looking within first and later outside the house." This stunned me.
Jump forward 10 years. I did alot of soul searching and while my H has failed as a father and husband, I know my childrens' lives are better because I stayed. Their father has never been a father, but because I'm able to have my own schedule, I can be their mother AND father. Teaching kids to catch a football, swing a bat, etc. For myself, I have found a new strength in myself - I learned to find and make my own happiness. While getting remarried is something I will never do, I mean why put myself through this again (lol), I have left myself open to allow someone into my life. Someone where there are few expectations, a guy who is fun to be around, enjoys passionate love making. I believe I have found that person, hence my lurking here for the past few days.
Is it best for children for parents to stay together vs. breaking up? I honestly believe so. There are exceptions of course, namely abuse.
I would have to agree, no one person is the total package. Sometimes the key is knowing the difference between what we "want" vs. "need".
Hope this helped.
My best to all of you--
JB
Hmmm...is it better for kids to see their parents seperate but happy, or together in a loveless marriage? It isn't that cut and dried - parents can seperate but not be happy for a long time - parents can have other SO's that the children don't like or whom do not like the children - parents in a loveless marriage may not spend alot of time together and so it is only the "idea" of a family unit, and not the "practice" - and etc. etc. One has to look at the big picture and weigh the pros and cons - each situation is different.
It isn't sad and it does not mean that the premise of marriage is flawed when one person can't be all things to another - I have to think that if we did not have other relationships (not just romantic, I mean friendships, mentors, teachers, parents, siblings, etc.) we could not grow to our full potential, and we wouldn't change. We would miss alot, and I daresay would probably be boring!
My theory is that people are learning and changing too fast, without taking the time to apply to new experiences what they have learned. For example, only 50 years ago (and for forever before that) generally the men made the bacon and the women cooked it. And now, after eons of that "tradition", we've changed it in a few decades - whoa! what's my role, who am I, where am I going, etc. Sorta like pedalling a bike downhill before we have the balance under control....we need to learn to gradually apply the brakes and coast a bit more until we are in control.
One has to believe, have faith and trust, in the idea of anything for it to work, as well as the willingness to want to make it work, to work at it. (Yes, some exceptions!) Apply what you've learned, stay positive, keep a balance and perspective of your life as a whole, and be happy, and the rest should fall into place.
We all know that Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are outdated stories - but! that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a happy and healthy marriage ever again!
Have a good weekend,
Meow
Edited 10/24/2003 7:57:43 PM ET by charmed1007
oh notso... what an interesting question I think you have asked.
and how do I answer??? while my marriage certainly isn't perfect... I believe it's good and that I married a good man... for those reasons... I stick with and give my children the chance of a lifetime to have a close relationship with their father.
Sweet
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