Is fulfillment a fantasy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Is fulfillment a fantasy?
8
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 1:14pm
I have been thinking a lot about my marriage over the last few days, and a fundamental question to which I keep returning but have no answer is this: Is it better for children to grow up with parents who are together in a passionless, (but not necessarily loveless), somewhat hostile (but not abusive) relationship, or is it better for them to see their parents apart, but potentially happier?

Another question which crept up after reading the "Am I crazy" thread several days ago is will we as women ever be fulfilled? One of the things I consider when contemplating leaving my marriage is the possibility of one day actually meeting someone so wonderful that I would never even feel the urge to cheat. In that thread, Lilah stated that "One person can't be all things to another person", and though based on only the experiences I've had so far, I am in complete agreement. But how sad is that? Doesn't that mean that the fundamental concept of marriage is innately flawed? I've actually thought this for some time and even used it as justification to myself for continuing my A, but as I edge closer and closer to divorce, I wonder if that's really the answer. I mean, why go through all that hell just to end up in another situation where I'm equally unhappy? I suppose the other alternative is to stay single, but over time, that's probably unlikely to happen. I am just so confused about what a marriage is supposed to be or what it can be. I honestly do not think I know anyone that is happily married, and I am deeply saddened by the prospect that these unions exist only in fairytales. Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated. TIA.

--nutso

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Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 1:46pm
I have one of those "passionless marriages" and I wouldn't have had a problem with it if my XOM hadn't come along. Yes, I had tried to get out of M many times but all those times I have gone back to H. I am a big believer of what ever happens happens for a reason. If we (OM & I) were destined together I would have been with him by now or atleast postively progressing towards it. If I can get XOM out of my mind completely I can go on to living with a partner who like yours is not abusive or completely hostile. We work at different levels, H & I, and sometimes it is a lot of work to get your points across. Like you said why get out of a relationship to put yourself through more unhappiness with OM? My OM and I always have had issues and they have not be resolved as of yet and to me it is exactly a mirror situation of my problems with H - resolution avoidance. Secondly I don't have to deal with issues of being a single mom with no support from family. There is a security for me to continue in the marriage for my children - they get a better future with both parents being present in their lives at every stage.

Getting out of my marriage and having a future with OM would definitely be a fanatasy - but at what cost? More of the same issues that I deal with H everyday except that we have fireworks in the bedroom? To me fireworks in the bedroom does matter but not to the extent of breaking up my presnt marriage for it. I guess I am settling for the less than perfect solution but who says everything in life has to be perfect? My two cents....


Edited 10/24/2003 2:05:54 PM ET by new_life_iv

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Registered: 10-06-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 2:48pm
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Edited 9/20/2004 2:06 pm ET ET by seansluv
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 3:09pm
I don't really have the "grass is greener" syndrome per se as I know any new potential relationship is always fraught with "learning curve" to get the hang of it. Plus OM and I have these cultural differences - so I know all that has to play out before we get any serious with our R. So that is why I think any R with any man is going to be not without up and downs . As it is its two enough bad dealing with two men, why would I want more trouble ;) I don't seeing myself leaving this situation to get into another situation just like this one to "fix" my problems. That is going to bring only more heartaches than I care for, plus I could never ever have sex without any strings attached (never have and never will). I need the *emotion* before I go to the next level, that's just me maybe. I did have this fantasy of one man - OM - fulfilling my every need completely, but I realize he is just too human for that, LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 3:21pm
Hello....new here, and thought this post would be the right place to start.

Like you, I'm married - 20 unfulfilling years. Ten years ago, I though I just can't do this anymore. Where is my knight in shining amour? The one who cuddles, wants to go for walks, seems interested in me and my life. Spoke to my late mother about leaving and two close friends. In short, they said, there is no perfect man out there. They simply aren't wired to be everything for us. Hopefully they are there for good sex and the heavy lifting, everything you have girlfriends for, or find within yourself. Also, they pointed out, while I could earn "a living", it would be financial struggle. They told me to invision working 8-10 hours, coming home, helping with homework, cooking dinner, cleaning and washing, then trying to make ends meet financially. Then, one of these women said, "Find your own happiness and fulfillment...it may mean looking within first and later outside the house." This stunned me.

Jump forward 10 years. I did alot of soul searching and while my H has failed as a father and husband, I know my childrens' lives are better because I stayed. Their father has never been a father, but because I'm able to have my own schedule, I can be their mother AND father. Teaching kids to catch a football, swing a bat, etc. For myself, I have found a new strength in myself - I learned to find and make my own happiness. While getting remarried is something I will never do, I mean why put myself through this again (lol), I have left myself open to allow someone into my life. Someone where there are few expectations, a guy who is fun to be around, enjoys passionate love making. I believe I have found that person, hence my lurking here for the past few days.

Is it best for children for parents to stay together vs. breaking up? I honestly believe so. There are exceptions of course, namely abuse.

I would have to agree, no one person is the total package. Sometimes the key is knowing the difference between what we "want" vs. "need".

Hope this helped.

Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 6:24pm
Excellent advice--to look within yourself and find your own happiness. I'm also trying to deal with the truth that life just isn't happy all the time! I want it to be! Anyway, even though I'm stressing about having an A, it does provide me with some things missing from my basically good marriage. I have *great* girlfriends, and a wonderful family, and am very involved with work, my horses, and community clubs and functions. None of which can fulfill all of my needs, but together they sure come close. But most important of all, I am working on being happy with me! It's very difficult sometimes. I think most of us grow up with this fantasy about having a spouse that is your soulmate and we'll never want for any other kind of emotional connection. Perhaps that does happen, almost at least, for some people, but for most of us it's just not that way. Anyway, I'm working on all this, just like a lot of you are. I wish my marriage supplied all these things, but it doesn't. My dad used to say, "Every situation has problems. Sometimes it's a matter of picking the set of problems you want to live with." I think about that a lot too!!

My best to all of you--

JB
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 7:25pm
Hey no-so-nutso,

Hmmm...is it better for kids to see their parents seperate but happy, or together in a loveless marriage? It isn't that cut and dried - parents can seperate but not be happy for a long time - parents can have other SO's that the children don't like or whom do not like the children - parents in a loveless marriage may not spend alot of time together and so it is only the "idea" of a family unit, and not the "practice" - and etc. etc. One has to look at the big picture and weigh the pros and cons - each situation is different.

It isn't sad and it does not mean that the premise of marriage is flawed when one person can't be all things to another - I have to think that if we did not have other relationships (not just romantic, I mean friendships, mentors, teachers, parents, siblings, etc.) we could not grow to our full potential, and we wouldn't change. We would miss alot, and I daresay would probably be boring!

My theory is that people are learning and changing too fast, without taking the time to apply to new experiences what they have learned. For example, only 50 years ago (and for forever before that) generally the men made the bacon and the women cooked it. And now, after eons of that "tradition", we've changed it in a few decades - whoa! what's my role, who am I, where am I going, etc. Sorta like pedalling a bike downhill before we have the balance under control....we need to learn to gradually apply the brakes and coast a bit more until we are in control.

One has to believe, have faith and trust, in the idea of anything for it to work, as well as the willingness to want to make it work, to work at it. (Yes, some exceptions!) Apply what you've learned, stay positive, keep a balance and perspective of your life as a whole, and be happy, and the rest should fall into place.

We all know that Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are outdated stories - but! that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a happy and healthy marriage ever again!

Have a good weekend,

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 7:53pm
Meow, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella had to patiently wait for their man to come and rescue them, love and happiness did not come that easy to them. And remember these are just fairy tales, LOL. Relationships are not that easy - even if you have all the good ingredients like love and passion in it - it still takes a dedicated cook to bring life into it. Trust and faith can be placed only if there has been reason to believe that the person is dependable. How can one place their trust on another when such converstations have not been played out in real life? We can live the fantasy land of EMA and think that other person is going to trust based on what we have mentioned to them in passing. Have we really invested time and effort on make the fantasy a reality other than to post them here on this board?


Edited 10/24/2003 7:57:43 PM ET by charmed1007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 8:43pm

oh notso... what an interesting question I think you have asked.


and how do I answer??? while my marriage certainly isn't perfect... I believe it's good and that I married a good man... for those reasons... I stick with and give my children the chance of a lifetime to have a close relationship with their father.

Sweet
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