the future

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
the future
5
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 3:50pm


I have known MM for over 20 years. We fell in love in college and both of us made mistakes- me probably more than him. Anyway- through it all we have remained friends. It is a LDA and for a long time it was just these exchanges over the phone. About 2 1/2 years ago we met again and it was incredible. Everything was great for a year or so and then all of a sudden he needed this NC. NC lasted for 3 months while he tried to work on his M.

We started talking but things were still not back to normal. In Oct I asked him what he wanted and he said he loved me but at this point he could not leave because of the kids (7th and 11th grades). I did not want him to leave his W at this point- at least for me. Then I really did not hear from him over the holidays and was confused and hurt.

Then just about 3 weeks ago he tells me W wants a divorce. I think - she will change her mind. Well- the house is almost sold; they are close to alimony settlement and this is basically over. It is quite shocking to me- in 3 weeks from very little communication to this. I also do not trust his W- she has always lived well beyond their means and for her to want the D - I just do not get it. She knows nothing about us.

I started counseling with H in Oct and things are stable, but not great. H is a wonderful person- just not the right one for me. DD is 5 and H is a great dad to her. I told MM that I loved him and wanted to be together- but it may be 5-6 years before that happens. He said he was willing to wait. I do love him- he is truly my best friend and someone I love with all my heart. But I am also scared of what will happen in the meantime. H is a good person and I honestly do not want to hurt him. We both want to stay together more for our D at least at this point. I am so confused.

I am glad MM is leaving his wife- but I am also scared - does that make any sense??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
In reply to: tb1004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 4:02pm
wow......

long time, like me. I think I would lose my mind if my MM and W got divorced. I don't even want to think about it. My husband is wonderful and the thought of hurting him is devestating. The thought of MM moving on with someone else though is unthinkable. I would die.

I am so sorry...

L
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tb1004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 5:51pm
Boy, can I relate, with the exception of the small children. I have wondered about that too. Have known MM for 30+ years. Neither of us want to cause devastation and disruption to everyone around us. We want to be together, but the hurt it would cause is too much to think about. Besides, it is just plain scary. All the financial ramifications, re-sorting, changing lives drastically, leaving spouses with no one. It would be incredibly selfish; but sometimes the whole thing seems selfish. If it weren't for our spouses, we would be together, no question. You have to take it as it comes, one day at a time. I wonder if the fantasy of it all is safer than the reality. It's not like two single people meeting up and starting out. We each have our own bags. Histories, extended family relationships, etc. It's a major, major decision and someone will be hurt, no doubt about that. But continuing in a once in awhile relationship does take its toll. Good luck. I hope everything works out and eventually the dust settles.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: tb1004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 6:54pm
HI TB

I have to ask you one question that you should answer for yourself, do you have the right to waste 5-6 more years of your husbands life knowing full well that your going to dump him ???

free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
In reply to: tb1004
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 2:02pm
Free

It is a great question. I go back and forth about that alot. In one of our recent counseling sessions we both said that at the present time we are together only because of DD. H is a great dad and he is so good with DD - it is difficult to think about taking that away from him. Our relationship is basically co-existence. We have not even really kissed in 5-6 years. We basically try to get along and do things together- but there is no physical relationship. Right now we are trying to communicate better so that we do not fight about things. There has been so little communication that it makes everything else impossible.

In a way I feel terrible on all accounts. MM is wiling to wait- but is that fair to him either? I can't predict the future. What if things work out with H? What if things with H fall apart tomorrow? I guess I am trying to do what I think is the best given the circumstances. At age 5 DD would not handle this well- they think the world revolves around them-- which it probably does, but that is besides the point. D at this age is hard because they think they are responsible for it- I was bad therefore mommomy and daddy got D. As she get older she can understand that relationships sometimes do not work out for a variety of reasons. It is not that my realtionship with H is terrible, it just is more like co-existence.

MM is my best friend and always has been. In a way- we grew up together; made alot of mistakes, but have always been there for each other. When we got back together he said- he heard this song on the radio and needed me to hear it- it was "What I really meant to say"-- he is not perfect, but he is an incredible person who is able to in a sense see right through me and he knows almost all my faults and still love me.

Oh- it is so hard to know what to do and what is right--- OK so you opened the bag of worms for me-- and the question I struggle with alot. Sorry for the long email. But thanks for asking the question

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: tb1004
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 4:07pm
HI TB

It's never easy is it!

I understand with the children it's a hard spot.It would seem less then likely that things will chang much for the better with your husband if your focusing you love and attention else were but has been known to happen.

Have you informed your husband that you would not mind him meeting someone else if he is discreet about it. I presume you would not mind him doing what your doing as a matter of being fair to him?

When you and MM are liveing together 24/7 for a year or two then you will really know if it is Love or something else.

I hope you put the worms in a can would be a real mess if the bag breaks. :-) LOL

FREE