Future custody issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Future custody issues
20
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:14pm
I know this isn't really the proper forum for this, but I feel really close to everyone here and I know many of you have gone through divorce and custody issues before so I wanted to ask a question.

I've been studying shared custody for my kids because I feel it would be the best situation for them. My W never really bonded with my oldest son (now 4) and I feel I have been the primary caregiver. I give him most of his baths, wipe his butt, cook half the meals, do most of the discipline, etc. And if he is sick or upset, he ALWAYS wants me. If it were just him, I know we'd be fine with shared custody where we split time. My concern is with the infant that will be born later this year. My intent has been to stay in the house the first couple of months after he is born and then move out. I had intended to do the same custody situation with him but as I research, I'm getting conflicting reports on what is best for an infant. Some experts say an infant shouldn't be moved back and forth between residences. Others say the attachment to both parents is so important that shared custody is a good thing. Based on the way my W was with my first son, I'm concerned with her having full custody and me only having visitation.

So I guess I wanted to know if any of you have researched this at all or have any studies I could read. If it comes down to my W having full custody or us having shared custody, is it better for the baby to possibly have to live two places or to live one place but with a parent who hasn't exhibited the ability to form a close attachment?

In case you can't tell, I'm a little distraught over this today. Thanks for anything you have to offer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:21pm
You can find an apartment close to your wife, so that you can do the joint physical custody. I would get joint legal custody as well, but I hear it has problems as well. I personally think joint custody is so trying on a child who is so young who has to shuttle forth from one parent to another. I don't have experience in this area but just my opinion. That's why I think you should get a place close to your wife, if not, see if you wife will be amenable to sole physical custody of son with you. As far the newborn, he is best with his mother. I wouldn't move him/her around residences.


Edited 3/17/2004 2:23 pm ET ET by funnyface03
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:21pm
I don't think your being fair saying your W can't form a "close attachment" with the baby. Hello, she is carrying that baby to term.

Sorry, but being a mother of 3 (including twins) I think the baby is better to be with the mother for the first 6 months to 2 years.

There is no way in the world I would have let my H take my babies away from me when they were newborns.

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:24pm
I absolutely intend to have an apartment very close to my W's home. One other thing I should mention is that we both work 40 hours per week and our 4 year old is currently in daycare and has been since he was 6 weeks old. Our new baby will enter daycare at 8 weeks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:28pm
I don't omaha, kids are so vunerable in a divorce. I am always so aware of that and they are probably more resilient than I think. *sigh* Anyway, I still think mom should have physical custody of the newborn while you can do joint custody for the older one. Good Luck! IT IS HARD!!!!


Edited 3/17/2004 2:29 pm ET ET by funnyface03
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:31pm
Well you are speaking from your experience. If you knew me and my W, you would know what I am speaking of. Everyone who knows us, including our marriage counselor, sees that she is unable to form close emotional bonds with anyone, including her children. Now I'm not suggesting she doesn't love them, she absolutely does. And she is a good mother and I don't want to take the children away from her. I just believe that it would terribly traumatic to both of my children if they didn't spend at least half of their time with me.

Why is it you think the baby is better to be with the mother for the first 6 months to two years? My W doesn't breast feed. I changed at least as many diapers and did at least as many feedings as she did. My son does have a stronger bond with me than he does with her and has his entire life. What about this suggests my new son would be better off without me in his life at least as much as she is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:36pm
I usually post on the ending my affair board but lurk here quite often. As someone whose biological father had nothing to do with her life..and who just lost her step dad 4 months ago I believe it is VERY important for the father to be involved regardless of age. MM and I have a 3 month old daughter together...and while I would never hand her over..even to daddy for the weekend we worked out an agreement we both felt we could live with and that was beneficial to our baby. The first 4-5-6 months he comes here to see her and that way they can get to know each other. After that he can take her for a day..then eventually for a night. We will build up to a weekend when shes older. Thats just my 2 cents on it :o)

Also..I thought I had read she used the kids against you when fighting..can I just say in my experience that when it came down to it..seperation...divorce is all said and done...your wife will want and look forward to that 'kid free' time when they are at your house. Good Luck..and hope ya all dont mind me 'intruding' on your board. ((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:54pm
Well I think you are right, this is probably not the best place to be asking. But you did.

I think you're a little prejudiced also because you are breaking up your M and I don't see how you can say the mother won't make a close bond with this child, you don't even know yet.

I know men change diapers, etc. I could see you living close by and visiting alot but I think there are studies out there that show the baby really needs to bond with the main caregiver and that is usually the mother. If you are trying to convince a judge otherwise I think you will have a hard time as I can't imagine any judge in the country ordering custody of a newborn away from the mother unless she is unfit.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:03pm
Well again, I think you are basing your statements on statistics. I am not a statistic. I am a father who is my son's primary caregiver. Is it possible that my W may bond better with this new baby? Certainly. But based on what I have observed and our counselor has observed, I don't think it is likely. So if this baby needs to bond with it's primary caregiver, it will need to bond with me. But you're right, a judge won't give me custody because there is a huge sexual bias in the judicial system. So that is why I say the best situation for the baby would be shared custody. Certainly it isn't ideal, but it is better than the baby not bonding with its primary caregiver, wouldn't you agree?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:04pm
I have been a stepmom to my H daughter since she was 6 months old and she just turned 11. He visitation is every week Thursday thru sunday. I believe that she is a well adjusted child who has a bunch of people (2 parents and 2 step parents) that love her deeply and fortunately we all are civil to each other. I don't know if this will be in your case but I have been told hundreds of times that a child is better off having 2 happy parents separate then 2 unhappy parents in the same house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:09pm
oh man, everytime you post something you get the board going, Mr. omaha!! You are same like nomo, she get the board cracking with everything she posts... lol Good luck about you custody situation, sound likes its a tough one.

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