Future custody issues
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| Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:14pm |
I've been studying shared custody for my kids because I feel it would be the best situation for them. My W never really bonded with my oldest son (now 4) and I feel I have been the primary caregiver. I give him most of his baths, wipe his butt, cook half the meals, do most of the discipline, etc. And if he is sick or upset, he ALWAYS wants me. If it were just him, I know we'd be fine with shared custody where we split time. My concern is with the infant that will be born later this year. My intent has been to stay in the house the first couple of months after he is born and then move out. I had intended to do the same custody situation with him but as I research, I'm getting conflicting reports on what is best for an infant. Some experts say an infant shouldn't be moved back and forth between residences. Others say the attachment to both parents is so important that shared custody is a good thing. Based on the way my W was with my first son, I'm concerned with her having full custody and me only having visitation.
So I guess I wanted to know if any of you have researched this at all or have any studies I could read. If it comes down to my W having full custody or us having shared custody, is it better for the baby to possibly have to live two places or to live one place but with a parent who hasn't exhibited the ability to form a close attachment?
In case you can't tell, I'm a little distraught over this today. Thanks for anything you have to offer.

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As far as whether my W will cooperate and do what is best, I certainly hope she will. As I've said many times, I think she is a very good person and I know ultimately she will do what is best for the children. Still, it concerns me that when she is angry she tells me she will use the children against me and that she doesn't intend to move on, but just be a single mom forever. I don't believe that attitude will last, but it is still scary to hear. Long-term though, I have no doubt she and I will be able to cooperate and work together in raising our children. I'm just worried about making sure when we separate the precedent is set for fair custody so I don't lose out later.
Secondly, as to the newborn... my son stayed home with my first grandson while my daughter-in-law worked. Father and son bonded in an amazing way. Like in your situation, Omaha, mom wasn't breastfeeding and my son has changed as many diapers and fixed as much formula as her, and certainly no one could love the kids more. Our society is changing, and with it the dynamics of the family. Why shouldn't a father be primary caretaker of a newborn? If the child is going into daycare anyway, there is no reason why he shouldn't bond equally with both parents. As a mom it horrifies me to think of not having my child (especially newborn) with me every moment. But the truth is, as a single mom I had to go back to work when my son was 3 weeks old. In spite of this he is an amazing father, and an amazing man. I think with enough love and communication on both your parts, you can make any situation work. Best of luck to you.
This will probably sound strange, especially on this board, but I guess I've come full circle. I met my H when I was 20 and in college; he was 32 and M with three kids. He had already been separated a couple of times, and although living at home when we met, moved out three months later - his kids at the time were 7 and 1 1/2 (twin boys). We were married four years later and have been for 13 years.
H has always been devoted to his kids as you seem to be; he's an even better father divorced from their mother. His custody arrangement on paper is that he got the kids every other weekend and they negotiated holidays. Over the years, he has been tremendously involved in the kids' lives - more so than he would have been in an unhappy marriage. He and I took the boys to their first day of pre-school!
As the years passed, H, XW and I are a bit of an anomaly to everyone we know. We get along great. XW and I sit together at the kids baseball games (they're 17 now), she attends holidays at my house so that the kids don't have to juggle - we've been doing that for 5 or 6 years now.
My point is that regardless of the custody arrangements, keep communciation with your W open and keep the kids first. Let them know that they are important and loved and don't ever ask them to choose between you as they get older. Make sure that if your W has a conflict, needs to work late, go out, etc you are available to take the kids no matter what day of the week it is.
It's tough now, but absolutely can work out - my step-kids have three parents who love them and do all we can to be with them. That's the important part - the rest will work itself out. Best of luck - you're in my thoughts.
I read all the posts on this one and to see what, if anything, I could offer in support of you here...
You could have a rocky road ahead of you my friend...
BUT...traditional custody is changing every day, and you have a good chance.
The very best thing you could do in this case is to come to an agreement with your wife beforehand.
Start now, though...DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT!!!
Go to every doctor's visit...DOCUMENT it...
Get theme paper notebooks...DOCUMENT the time you spend with your older child. Date them day by day.
When the baby is born DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT...
Write everything down...be it diapers, feedings, peds visits...make sure you go to the well baby visits...
DOCUMENT!!!
This is a web site for fathers, that you should go pore over...actually, anyone considering a divorce should go read the stuff there...
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/
And did I say DOCUMENT???
A very good friend of mine, a male, got FULL custody of his 3 children, plus the house, AND child support...the youngest just turned 3 in November...not to get your hopes up on that, because his ex is a chronic alcoholic...
I'm a MOMMY, but if MY ex was anywhere NEAR the parent I feel you are I would be more than willing to have 50-50 custody...alas, he's a butthead...
Basically, GET A DAMN GOOD ATTORNEY...one who has dealt with and WON fathers custody...find a men's rights organization in your town...talk to father's there...
Oh, and did I mention DOCUMENT???
Some of the things to consider with all this, in the divorce...make sure you DO have joint LEGAL custody...if you have joint PHYSICAL custody, tie child support to that...make sure that you can deduct the children on your taxes...be it both every other year, or you each have one every year...
Ok...I've probably put more than 2c into all this...
Oh, but one more thing...did I mention DOCUMENT?????
Hope this helps!!
~Laurie~
PS...Did I mention DOCUMENT??????????
I don't think joint custody is such a bad idea in your case.
(And for all of you who are screaming out there, my ex left me when I was six months pregnant. I got sole physical and legal custody. He got graduated visitation, so I know what bonding is all about.)
The point is that Omahamm _is_ the established primary caregiver in their relationship and even has a counselor to back him up. If so, it is important for the baby to bond with him.
I will also add that if a baby is going to be in daycare 40 hours a week, a lot of bonding is going to be done with that caregiver.
Children are amazing. They need consistency...not just emotional biases. As much as possible, I'd keep baby and big brother together, which is another reason to ask for joint custody. How often do you see judges order different levels of custody for brothers and sisters?
Even if the judge orders different custodial arrangements, you'll be on record as having requested joint custody, and a lot of them are trying to set that up now, anyway.
JMHO
Good luck and keep us posted.
Cazrida
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