Future custody issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Future custody issues
20
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:14pm
I know this isn't really the proper forum for this, but I feel really close to everyone here and I know many of you have gone through divorce and custody issues before so I wanted to ask a question.

I've been studying shared custody for my kids because I feel it would be the best situation for them. My W never really bonded with my oldest son (now 4) and I feel I have been the primary caregiver. I give him most of his baths, wipe his butt, cook half the meals, do most of the discipline, etc. And if he is sick or upset, he ALWAYS wants me. If it were just him, I know we'd be fine with shared custody where we split time. My concern is with the infant that will be born later this year. My intent has been to stay in the house the first couple of months after he is born and then move out. I had intended to do the same custody situation with him but as I research, I'm getting conflicting reports on what is best for an infant. Some experts say an infant shouldn't be moved back and forth between residences. Others say the attachment to both parents is so important that shared custody is a good thing. Based on the way my W was with my first son, I'm concerned with her having full custody and me only having visitation.

So I guess I wanted to know if any of you have researched this at all or have any studies I could read. If it comes down to my W having full custody or us having shared custody, is it better for the baby to possibly have to live two places or to live one place but with a parent who hasn't exhibited the ability to form a close attachment?

In case you can't tell, I'm a little distraught over this today. Thanks for anything you have to offer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:11pm
Thank you for that ficar. It is good to hear from a positive experience. Again, I would never suggest in a "normal" family situation that the father should have shared custody of an infant because so often the father doesn't do the things that I do. But again, I have the experience from my first son and I just can't believe the best thing for the baby would be for it to only have visits with me.

As far as whether my W will cooperate and do what is best, I certainly hope she will. As I've said many times, I think she is a very good person and I know ultimately she will do what is best for the children. Still, it concerns me that when she is angry she tells me she will use the children against me and that she doesn't intend to move on, but just be a single mom forever. I don't believe that attitude will last, but it is still scary to hear. Long-term though, I have no doubt she and I will be able to cooperate and work together in raising our children. I'm just worried about making sure when we separate the precedent is set for fair custody so I don't lose out later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:25pm
I have been researching the shared parenting as well and it's tough. Fortunately H has been willing to give up SD to me for one weekend a month while we're separated hopefully that will remain the case but who knows. From my past H's experience make sure you read the papers closely and understand the rights of both parents closely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:32pm
Is one weekend a month enough for you? My W did offer one weekend night per week and two evenings during the week as a suggestion. Then after arguing a bit more she suggested overnight two nights a week and one weekend night each week. This seemed like maybe it would be equitable. This is so difficult.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:36pm
Hi Omaha, My feeling on this matter is, I think joint custody of both children is the ticket. Children grow up very fast trust me, my children are grown and I often wonder where the time went. My H had visitation every other weekend and I look back now and wish we could have worked out joint custody. My kids adored their father but felt that they never really knew him. Unfortunately they will never get the chance now:( He did have some good qualities and he loved his kids)!When I think back I wonder if he had of been moved involved in their lives he may still be alive today. Good luck in your decision! NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:42pm
It has to be. I would never take the kids from him, like you he is a good dad and loves his kids tons. Guess I should have explained further. I have one S before M and he had his D before M and then we have 1 S together. I have 2 weekends a month one with my 2 boys and then one with all 3. It seems to work right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:52pm
Omahamm I also get them 2 days a week. I hope we can keep the same holiday schedule as present with one year he gets all the holidays and the next year I get them all the holidays, claim them every other year on the taxes.. make sure the papers state exactly what days you want to claim as holidays. H papers claim the major ones but not all the little ones, valentines etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:37pm
I'd just like to chime in a little... I have a friend who shares joint custody of two children with her husband. One child is 5, the other 15 months. They are with mom one week and with dad one week. At first I was appalled. I thought it would be terrible for the kids. As it turns out, they are thriving. They have two sets of toys, two sets of clothes, two sets of parents who love them. They have adapted to the rules being different at the different houses (the dad is very religious). I was just amazed.

Secondly, as to the newborn... my son stayed home with my first grandson while my daughter-in-law worked. Father and son bonded in an amazing way. Like in your situation, Omaha, mom wasn't breastfeeding and my son has changed as many diapers and fixed as much formula as her, and certainly no one could love the kids more. Our society is changing, and with it the dynamics of the family. Why shouldn't a father be primary caretaker of a newborn? If the child is going into daycare anyway, there is no reason why he shouldn't bond equally with both parents. As a mom it horrifies me to think of not having my child (especially newborn) with me every moment. But the truth is, as a single mom I had to go back to work when my son was 3 weeks old. In spite of this he is an amazing father, and an amazing man. I think with enough love and communication on both your parts, you can make any situation work. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:12pm
Omaha -

This will probably sound strange, especially on this board, but I guess I've come full circle. I met my H when I was 20 and in college; he was 32 and M with three kids. He had already been separated a couple of times, and although living at home when we met, moved out three months later - his kids at the time were 7 and 1 1/2 (twin boys). We were married four years later and have been for 13 years.

H has always been devoted to his kids as you seem to be; he's an even better father divorced from their mother. His custody arrangement on paper is that he got the kids every other weekend and they negotiated holidays. Over the years, he has been tremendously involved in the kids' lives - more so than he would have been in an unhappy marriage. He and I took the boys to their first day of pre-school!

As the years passed, H, XW and I are a bit of an anomaly to everyone we know. We get along great. XW and I sit together at the kids baseball games (they're 17 now), she attends holidays at my house so that the kids don't have to juggle - we've been doing that for 5 or 6 years now.

My point is that regardless of the custody arrangements, keep communciation with your W open and keep the kids first. Let them know that they are important and loved and don't ever ask them to choose between you as they get older. Make sure that if your W has a conflict, needs to work late, go out, etc you are available to take the kids no matter what day of the week it is.

It's tough now, but absolutely can work out - my step-kids have three parents who love them and do all we can to be with them. That's the important part - the rest will work itself out. Best of luck - you're in my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:22pm
Omaha, sweety...

I read all the posts on this one and to see what, if anything, I could offer in support of you here...

You could have a rocky road ahead of you my friend...

BUT...traditional custody is changing every day, and you have a good chance.

The very best thing you could do in this case is to come to an agreement with your wife beforehand.

Start now, though...DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT!!!

Go to every doctor's visit...DOCUMENT it...

Get theme paper notebooks...DOCUMENT the time you spend with your older child. Date them day by day.

When the baby is born DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT...

Write everything down...be it diapers, feedings, peds visits...make sure you go to the well baby visits...

DOCUMENT!!!

This is a web site for fathers, that you should go pore over...actually, anyone considering a divorce should go read the stuff there...

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/

And did I say DOCUMENT???

A very good friend of mine, a male, got FULL custody of his 3 children, plus the house, AND child support...the youngest just turned 3 in November...not to get your hopes up on that, because his ex is a chronic alcoholic...

I'm a MOMMY, but if MY ex was anywhere NEAR the parent I feel you are I would be more than willing to have 50-50 custody...alas, he's a butthead...

Basically, GET A DAMN GOOD ATTORNEY...one who has dealt with and WON fathers custody...find a men's rights organization in your town...talk to father's there...

Oh, and did I mention DOCUMENT???

Some of the things to consider with all this, in the divorce...make sure you DO have joint LEGAL custody...if you have joint PHYSICAL custody, tie child support to that...make sure that you can deduct the children on your taxes...be it both every other year, or you each have one every year...

Ok...I've probably put more than 2c into all this...

Oh, but one more thing...did I mention DOCUMENT?????

Hope this helps!!

~Laurie~

PS...Did I mention DOCUMENT??????????








iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:33pm


I don't think joint custody is such a bad idea in your case.

(And for all of you who are screaming out there, my ex left me when I was six months pregnant. I got sole physical and legal custody. He got graduated visitation, so I know what bonding is all about.)

The point is that Omahamm _is_ the established primary caregiver in their relationship and even has a counselor to back him up. If so, it is important for the baby to bond with him.

I will also add that if a baby is going to be in daycare 40 hours a week, a lot of bonding is going to be done with that caregiver.

Children are amazing. They need consistency...not just emotional biases. As much as possible, I'd keep baby and big brother together, which is another reason to ask for joint custody. How often do you see judges order different levels of custody for brothers and sisters?


Even if the judge orders different custodial arrangements, you'll be on record as having requested joint custody, and a lot of them are trying to set that up now, anyway.

JMHO

Good luck and keep us posted.

Cazrida

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