fuzzy thinking - need practical advice
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| Fri, 06-11-2010 - 5:46pm |
My favorite line from "My Fair Lady" is, "I'm a good girl, I am." I always thought that I was. So how am I in this situation?
I have been married to a good man for nearly 22 years. We have 2 dd's, both late teens. We endured a naval career for about 18 years of the marriage. (I got "on board" a bit late.) All this time, I thought the navy was making me unhappy. Since retiring and moving to my home town, the unhappiness has increased. But - you know it's a typical story, so I won't bore you.
Bottom line - I have been so mad at him for several years, but it is all little things. Last year I got a dog without asking anyone else in the family - trying to fill a void in myself, I suppose. That dog about divorced us, and I wish I had let her. Instead I got her "personal training" and held on to the marriage for another year. Then, after a particularly angry period, I started flirting with a very dangerous man from my past. He actually date-raped me once. I figured he was a good bet b/c he was morally bankrupt (or I wanted to punish myself, too). Since he lives in another town, I did not follow through.
That's when I met A. I flirted outrageously at a gathering mostly b/c of my angry mood. I wanted sex - I failed to mention that at the time H hadn't touched me for 6 mos. (I had gained about 15 pounds.) I arranged to have sex with A a week later. No sex - A was nervous. Then a week later with same result. This made for a chance to get to know A a bit. Now, after months and months I think I may love him (I think I do, actually, the "may" is denial.). Sex is amazing. I thought I had hit serious perimenopause and always needed lubricant help. Safe to say this is not only not true but REALLY not true.
I asked for a separation, but H talked me out of it. (A while ago) I went on family vacation for dd's sake, then asked again as soon as we got home. The problem is that I don't remember why I was so mad in the first place. H is determined to keep me. Date night tonight, etc. Now, I think the only way I can go is to "out" the A. But that would destroy any settlement, wouldn't it? Or does 20 years of navy stuff (and you know I don't mean "stuff") hold some weight even with an affair. I want out and I don't know how to get there. He's a good guy - he's just never been a good guy for me. We married when the metaphorical music stopped and we were both graduating from college. I should probably mention that I just got my Master's and now feel less trapped. I feel employable again. So that is part of the mix.
Help. I feel so stupid. And so dirty, and yet, not dirty. I also feel confident for the first time in a long time, and happy, and -oh I don't know. You get it. What to do? Any advice?

Why do you "have to" out the A to leave your marriage? Are you chained to a wall? Handcuffed? You say "H is determined to keep me", as if you are a possession on his shelf. Many people have left marriages when their spouse doesn't want them to go - it's more common I would guess than uncommon.
NO ONE can make you stay, or live where you don't want to live. You might have to do some preparation. Talk to a lawyer. Get all your ducks in a row. He/she can tell you the ramifications (if any) of having an A discovered during or prior to divorce proceedings. I don't think it's supposed to affect things, but it may affect a judge's decision, IF he/she even has any leeway.
If you really want to leave, you just have to make it clear! "I'm leaving by such and such a date". Or wait till you have an apartment ready. He can't make you stay!
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
Unless you live in a state where adultery is a crime and grounds for divorce and you get caught, you shouldn't have any problem with a judge granting you your share of his retired military pay. You will lose your health benefits (the 20/20/20 rule) but will be eligible to keep them for about 36 months after your divorce is final as a "transitional" period.
My advice if you are serious about divorce is to seek a lawyer familiar with military law. You have a lot to lose if you don't know what you are entitled to.
First of all, don't feel dirty!
anotherseyes
Thank you. I did read a bit and A is cause for a fault divorce instead of a noncontested one (or whatever the terminology is).
You all are so right. Assertiveness is my problem. It goes back through my whole life, but this relationship in particular. I tried to break it up before it was serious. I tried to break it up after it was serious. I tried to break it up on the way to get our blood test for the marriage license. I cheated fabulously when we were engaged, like a woman going on a diet (never since till now, though). I was relieved when I finally confronted him on alcoholism. But then, darn it, he got sober, and my reasons went with the beer.
The problem is that he's a good guy. I have cousins married to bad guys who really won't understand why I would throw a good one under the bus. But - this sounds so selfish - I want passion. I can't remember ever having it. The first time we had sex....way back in 1985, I gave in because he pestered so. I just thought, what the hell? This is not a basis for passion. But he's a good guy. Ugh!
Edited 6/14/2010 1:45 pm ET by weagle87