FWB vs Affair. Is there a difference?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2008
FWB vs Affair. Is there a difference?
11
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 11:52am
So, I am in a FWB situation in the sense that that's what he (AP) calls it. A friend who knows both of us from work asked me flat out if we were having an affair. So what is the difference? Is there one?
AP and I are attracted to each other, live in different states but work for the same company. We text, email, and talk on the phone regularly. We are physical when we see each other incl sex. Neither one of us is interested in leaving our M or kids so I guess that is different. We aren't unhappy in our M. So what's the difference between this an A? Isn't this R an A??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 12:06pm

Yep, it's an A. I am thinking that your AP is calling it FWB to alleviate his guilt. He is probably thinking that if there isn't love involved that it makes it different, but, guess what. Sleeping with someone else, while you are married is an A. (Please don't think I am judging, I had more A's while I was married than I care to count.)


So, when your co-worker asks if you are having an A, you either fess up, or deny, deny, deny.


Good luck, we are here for you whenever you need us.


mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 1:58pm
See, that's what i thought. I don't want him to feel guilty about it. How long before he turns that guilt on me, you know? I guess I feel guilty sometimes. Like I know it would hurt my H beyond belief if he found out. I ask myself all the time why I am doing this. I certainly never expected to be here. But, I put myself in a situation and couldn't say no.
It is what it is now. I do know he has cheated on his W before but he said it was a one time thing.
I guess at this point, what keeps me going is knowing there is an end in sight, no matter how temporary. I am planning on working on baby #2 with H this summer. So obviously won't be fooling around w/AP while trying or while preggers. I actually doubt we'd be able to see each other for a year after this spring. After all that, who knows what will happen.
I am happy to know him and despite the fact he is in an A, he is a good man in terms of being a father, etc. I think he is probably a good H to his W in every other sense but the A.
I did want clarification though that FWB is an A, no matter how good your M may be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 2:04pm

I guess they both are the same, no difference! except that its more sexually orientated.Just be careful as once a word spreads at work,it can turn nasty.my AP and I work together but we are very careful!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 2:19pm
Oh yeah- about the person that knows... she knows she is the only one who knows so the trail would automatically go back to her if anyone else found out. The good thing about our job is we are all over the US so not everyone knows everyone if that makes sense. She only knows because when she asked me if he and I were having an A I was so caught off guard she could see it on my face. She also said she could see the attraction between us and said she understands. One thing that also gave it away for her was a hug he gave me and kissed the side of my head, you know on my hair? She watched him carefully and he didn't hug anyone else the same way so she wondered....
But, like I said, none of us will be in the same room for months and then after that it'll be a year or so and by then who knows if the A will be paused, over, or continued... ???
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 3:47pm
I say tomato you say tomato....an A is technically any time you are having and Emotional or physical relationship outside your marriage so if you're friends or not doesn't really make a difference when defining what it is......My A is definitely a friendship and we don't really put a label on what we have but bet your bottom dollar that in divorce court noone would care about the dynamics of the relationship!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 4:11pm

Wow...is your AP my XAP?

 

Avatar for moondesert
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 4:28pm
Of course it's an affair, and he knows it perfectly well. He doesn't honestly think that if his wife found out she'd somehow be unhurt because you were "just a friend with benefits!" In fact, the fact that he sees you regularly for sex would make her much more upset than if he'd just had a one night stand here or there. There's an undeniable emotional element to your interaction, even if it isn't "love."
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 5:54pm
That's funny! I read stuff on here all the time and I'm like "that sounds like AP!" I actually told AP that this person had asked and he did the same thing- "well, I wouldn't call it an A, I'd say we're definitely friends and we have a connection and we have this sexual energy" blah blah blah. I wanted to laugh and roll my eyes. Yes, to-MAY-to, to-Mah-to, it's still a damn A! own up to it! haha
We've actually planned a get together soon- just the two of us, none work-related, so maybe he'll own up to it *IF* there is actually any talking....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 6:22pm
Wow, I tried to get mine to do that but by that time he was feeling too guilty about it all and our A was on it's way out.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 9:16pm
Same situation-AP calls it an A though.

 

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