GB2............

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
GB2............
17
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 3:33pm
GB2,

How’s everything going? I hope you are holding as steady as can be given the circumstances. Hypothetical question for you (and those else who care to answer): IF your departure from MM was say temporary, such as, you decided not to permanently part ways, but rather cool things for a while, do you think the desires would still be there after sometime? In other words, you both needed to get your head on straight and took some time off to evaluate your situations. Do you think it could be revived after the time off? Granted things change in time, but if you really like someone, you would think it could re-start again.? I’m sooooo f’in confused right now about everything it’s amazing I can still think my way through the day. Let me know how the dry-out time is going when you have a chance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 3:57pm
There you are! Been wondering about you! I'm interested to see what people think about your question. As for me - I'll drop you an email here in a few.

Hang in there!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 4:40pm

Lost:

~Flirty~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 7:43pm
"There is a tide in the affairs of men when taken at flood leads to fame and fortune" - Will Shakespeare.

Sorry could resist that quote from the bard. :-) Damn, he knew what to say and how to say it right.

If things are meant to be they will be. Some connections cannot be revived however hard you might try to resusticate(? sp) them and others will come back on with out trying. So, which of connection is this R of yours? Think about it and that might give you a clue as to whether you can re-kindle it again. It will be hard to be away, but as the OP said, it will make you stronger (if it was meant to be) and not repeat mistakes from the lessions learned. Good Luck to you!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:53am
My MM and I took a 6 week "break" you could say. And when we had to get together to talk (because he KEPT flirting with me and it was making it difficult) the desire was so strong we started up again. Now 6 weeks isn't as long as say the summer, but it was the longest six weeks I've had to endure.

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 11:49am
Funny, way back when Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, et al told us about life and the physical world, here we are 400 years later and things are pretty much the same. My A has been discovered and my M is essentially over. Really it was over 10 years ago so the A has little to do with things. I honestly believe a serious relationship could evolve between me and OW, however, the timing is less than ideal. I have been wondering if we need some time off to sort things out. If so, should we still stay really good friends, something to a lesser extent, NC or try to keep things pretty much as they are. Her situation will not let her become immediately available anyway (nor would I expect her drop everything for me). Trouble is, I don't know if I could through any time off. She means that much to me. I just want to do the right thing just once in my life w/regard to a relationship with a woman. Thanks for the response. Flirty and deedee, thanks too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:14pm
Sometimes you have to accept the circumstances are not ideal - very unhealthy, in fact, esp in an affair. You may have a personal reason to hold on to you life as it is now and dealing with what life dishes out - but you cannot want her to be in such a situation for your sake. Its not fair to her. It only worsens hurt feelings and resentments - esp if you has been hurt badly before under the very same circumstances and your SO says to deal with it. There is only so much any heathy human can deal. Its best to be away from the sitation if it has deteriorated. She may be keeping distance as she doesn't want to be hurt anymore, I don't know..

First, you must try to bring salvation and peace in you personal life before you want her to be involved in it. Keep your life healthy, sane and in order before you ask her to share it with you. You have to do it for yourself if you want to do things right from now onwards. You owe it to yourself. Even if you don't end up with her, it is good for any future R you may have with any other woman. I would consider it as a parting gift from her - that she had something to do with you life being happy...

I feel for you. I went thru NC for 6 months with no contact, whatsoever. It was hard. There was one thing that kept me thru it - belief in my love for him and his for me. Nobody can shatter that however hard they may try. True love goes on, you must believe that. You have to believe to make anything come true. I learnt that lesson way too early in my life and it stands so true to me. I hope you can do that too. I wish you the very best.


Edited 5/19/2004 12:17 pm ET ET by fantasyhere

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:16pm
If you want to do what's right then let her lead. Do what's best for her. Let things move at her pace and do what she is comfortable with. If she needs to sort things out and prefers no contact or just being friends for the time being - comply. Wait it out. Don't force her. It's hard like hell but it won't be unnoticed and unappreciated. Believe me - the torment is insignificant compared to how generously you may be rewarded.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:35pm
Hey lost

You know I'm reading your post, and I can feel your pain.

As hard as it is, you need to sit back, and try to rationalize an unrational situation.

The break up of a M and living situation, no matter how long the relationship has been bad, is still the most stressful life event you will ever go through.

Not to keep repeating the same story over and over again, but I became involved with my H when he was M to another woman - they had a very rocky relationship to say the least. One week after we were initmate (he was my first), they separated. We saw each other daily, and after one month, I moved in with him. We have now been together for 20 years.

During our marriage, there have been many low points, and I always wondered if we had given him time between his first W and myself - to "sow his wild oats" so to speak, and also to sort out his feelings, deal with issues regarding the D without the constant reassurance required by his then 17 year old GF - then maybe we would have bypassed some future problems we have faced.

It is also a reality that had we cooled things off, he may have realized that I was not the one for him, or that he enjoyed being "free" to do as he liked, when he wanted. We did go through a period, where he distanced himself from me, wasn't coming home until late at night, began drinking heavily and gambling. As far as I know, he never cheated with another person, just with the poker machines. At the time, he also had a very stressful job that contributed to his actions. Ironically, he has recently said to me, "If this A of yours had happened 10 years ago, I could understand it, given the way I was acting at the time" The only problem was, 10 years ago, I didn't have the self-confidence I do now, I didn't feel attractive, so I doubt anyone else thought I was either. On top of that, I was too devastated at the thought of our M falling apart to have even considered having an A.

We came very close at that point, to splitting - and to this day, I'm not really certain how we pulled it together. My H did make some major changes - he is always home, he no longer gambles, and he drinks sociably.

I guess my point is, he went directly from being M, to having an A, to separation, to a common-law relationship, to divorce, to a second M - all without ever coming up for air. He needed to catch his breathe.

I don't know how intense your R with OW is, so it's difficult to say whether the spark will fade without the constant contact. However, do yourself a favour, take some time just for yourself.

Never an easy thing to do (believe me, I know), but NC will give you the time you need, and it may also reinforce your feelings for OW as well as hers for you. If it turns out that you each don't feel that same way after the NC, then it probably wasn't meant to be, and your path will be clear to finding "the" woman, that you will have no choice but to "do the right thing" in the relationship.

One more piece of advice - if you do decide to go with the NC, make sure that you explain to OW the reasons why, let her know that you care very much for her, but that you are only doing it so that if you ever have the chance to be in a "normal" relationship with her, that you did everything possible to ensure it would be the best it can be. Maybe even set a time limit on the NC - that way, even though you would be missing each other - you would know it's not forever, and when you do finally come together again, it will be wonderful, if it is still what you both want.

I realize this response is long-winded, but I hope it makes some sense to you.

I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:27pm
Lostvoyage - just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing. I got your email - thanks so much! Will respond when I get a chance. Keep hanging in there - K?

Red - thanks for this post. You said a lot. It will take me some time to digest it all. I agree with you though - no matter how tough NC is, there are times when it is appropriate and, dare I say, needed.

I believe that if two people truly love each other in a deep and honest way, no amount of NC will dim that love. Unfortunately, just because two people love each other doesn't guarantee a "happily ever after" ending together. XMM is very afraid of losing his kids. I know that's the main reason why he ended our R. (Well, that and to keep his W off my back.) Six months down the road I know I'll still love XMM and he'll still love me. But if his relationship with his kids is still threatened, our R won't resume - no matter how strong the love is.

As far as gaining clarity through NC goes, I think that is true - but it takes time. It has been about a week now and all I'm feeling is pain. I won't be able to look clearly at my situation for many weeks. Heck, maybe many months. Perhaps by that time I'll have discovered new things about my M which will change what I want from my life. But even if that is true, I don't see it changing my feelings for XMM.

OK - enough rambling from me for now. Thanks again - great post (as usual)!

Peace

GB2



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:46pm
I agree with the part about NC changing your wants from life in regards to the marriage but still not changing a thing about the XMM. That is so true. That is what I meant by true love goes on - whether it been in your heart. Loves doesn't always have to have a fairy tale ending, but has been known to affect our souls and lives in many other profound ways. Love does always go on - it never dies - not truthful and honest love.

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