Generalization
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| Fri, 01-09-2004 - 3:19pm |
I know I'm kind of making a gross generalization here, but would you agree with the following?
The only way to really be happy in an affair is to except it for exactly what it is and base any decisions regarding the affair around the fact that by it's nature, it will probably never be a "real relationship".
So as long as, if your married your in it to fulfill some need your SO can't and if your single your in it because it's something to fill the time until the right one comes along then you're probably okay and can probably be happy that way.
BUT if you find yourself wanting something more and wishing it weren't an affair then you should probably either give your partner an ultimatum or bail.
Because how can you ever really be happy knowing that you can look and you can touch but you can never really have what you want?
Just something I was thinking about. Curious to hear what everyone here thinks. I'm wondering if singles like myself feel any different about it then those of you in relationships.
Nick

I'm married and when this single guy started flirting with me I was swept away. He took over my emotions and I began to not think straight. The flirting, touching, and e-mails took my mind off all the tedious things in life. I guess I needed my A to fill a void in my life more than my marriage. It sounds strange, but it's what I have figured out. I'm happy with my H and never had any intentions on leaving him or telling him to make him jealous, etc. I get bored so easily and my A really sparked my days. Now, my SG, on the other hand, was in a "break" with his gf and from what I have figured out was totally obsessed with getting her back. He told me at first he just wanted a female to talk with, than later told me he always liked me. I think he wanted his gf back and until that happened he was happy to flirt with a married woman because I was safe. Once the sex started, he ran the other way. He said he was getting attached and I think this scared him. He knew I was in my M for good and I think it threw him that he was having feelings for a married woman. He said if it contined we would all get hurt. I would like to continue the A, but keep my marriage. SG said he will not pursue me because I am married, so I guess he feels like hey, what is the point in wasting my time on something that will never really be. He still is not back with his gf, and not dating anyone else, so this part confuses me a bit. Why not let it continue until he has someone else? Maybe you, being a SG, can answer that one for me. C
I want to have a serious relationship with someone I don't have to share. I would never have let myself fall for someone I knew couldn't be that for me, because when it's over, and let's face it at some point it always is, I'd be alone and heartbroken and my lover has a happy relationship to snuggle back up to. That's a pretty bitter pill to swallow.
Some background to maybe help you understand, if you're interested. My guy moved here for a promotion and left his GF behind to finish school (she’s in grad-school & 5 years younger then him). She helped him move, they had a fight, he stopped calling her, but never made an official break. He had broken up with her 3 other times only to have her call him and come by begging and pleading with him to take her back. Since, he isn't Satan he felt sorry for her and eventually gave in each time. He was hoping ignoring her would work where the direct approach had failed. So, after barely speaking to her for two months she calls him crying and begging him to let her come visit so the could try to "work it out”.
They've been back together ever since and ever since I have made it very clear I'm only in this for the great sex and that I was still dating and would sleep with guys that interested me enough. I made it very clear I wasn’t going to be exclusive for a person who wouldn’t do the same for me.
Since then I have had a change of heart, the reasons would be too long (some in thread: Am I Being Fool), but the short story is I’ve gotten closer then I ever intended to. At this point, he’s still in a bad relationship with GF (she gives whole new meaning to codependency) but I haven’t given him any reason to leave.
I’m hoping that he's only with her out of guilt and because he doesn't want to be alone and that if I give him an alternative to being with her, he'll be able to make a clean break. She’s supposed to move down in May. I’m trying to show him what I have to offer and gradually let him know that I’ve changed my mind about trying a relationship with him.
In April I plan to tell him that he has to make a choice. I’ll give him a while to clear his head and figure out what he wants, but if she moves down it's over. She already thinks he's cheating with someone down here (gee, could it be because he is?) and if she comes down she'll figure out with who and talk about something I don't want to deal with. :)
The bottom line, I could never stay in a relationship with someone I didn’t believe was as committed to the relationship as I am. It doesn’t matter how much I love a person. I have too much respect for myself to play second fiddle.
If I could have kept my heart out of it, it might have been a different story, but I couldn’t/didn’t.
In a weird way it’s a complaint. If he didn’t love you he could probably continue the relationship.
Nick
""The only way to really be happy in an affair is to except it for exactly what it is and base any decisions regarding the affair around the fact that by it's nature, it will probably never be a "real relationship"".
There is some truth in that statement , but a lot of A them to be less happy in the long term then M.
""So as long as, if your married your in it to fulfill some need your SO can't""
Some times true but more often then not not true, a lot more often then people like to admit the short comeing is in themselfs but they look for someone else to bandage there problem and do not deal with it in a realistic way.
"""BUT if you find yourself wanting something more and wishing it weren't an affair then you should probably either give your partner an ultimatum or bail.
Because how can you ever really be happy knowing that you can look and you can touch but you can never really have what you want?"""""
I agree
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