getting answers .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
getting answers .
15
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 8:43pm
Well , I decided enough is enough . Why do I have to sit around eating my heart out not knowing what is going on .MM had enough time to think about if my expectations of this R works for him or not . It shouldn't take months to think about.


So I called him , of course at that moment he couldn't talk and promised to call later when he can talk .

I said ok , you better call and not just say you are calling and if you don't want to call just say so now .

He said - no no we need to talk , I do owe you an explanation.


So he called . He said this A is tough and confusing for him . he never expected it to be like this when it started .

That he does think of me and care for me but he can't handle things at home .

He is sorry he isn't a good communicator and doesn't know how to express what he wants or feels .

That he was putting off talking about what should have been talked about because yes it isn't fair to me and I deserve better then that .

He said he should try to work on his R with W before he gets into another type of R .

He said he can't handle the type of R that I want ( which I do deserve ) and the R at home at the same time .

He said he was sorry , he didn't mean to hurt me in any way .That when we started this A he thought it was going to be just sex , but he started to have emotions and feelings for me and he doesn't know how to handle that.

I told him yes maybe he should try to be a better H . I have said that to him before , he said he tried but it didn't work . His wife just isn't into him . I told him if the way he communicates with me is the way he communicates with her , maybe HE is the problem . He said , maybe .

When I ask him do you want our friendship to be over , he says with out hesitation NO NO

So bottom line even though he didn't exactly come out and say it ( boy is he bad in saying what he feels ) I guess he was trying to say lets take a break from this A .Let me see if my feeling for you go away . Let me see if things change at home and if they don't may I call you , will you still want me ?


I told him of course as of now I sill miss him . but maybe with NC my feelings will go away . Maybe I will find someone else . I am not going to sit around and wait to see if things will work out with W or not ......which I doubt will change between them unless they both go to serious consoling and they both have a lot to change .

Well maybe this short A has taught my MM something about life . Maybe it will bring his M back together which is ok , because I am not trying to be a home wrecker . Although I am losing a great sex life and great lover , Maybe I am making someone a better H and better person . Looks like A's can also be a good thing for the W , not always bad as people think. ............... are you reading this wife's ;-)


As for me , well life goes on , yeah I will miss my MM , but time will heal.

At least now I feel so relieved that I know what is going on through his head and I am not just sitting around wondering and not knowing .


I am very glad I stepped up and made that call , ( even if it was something I didn't want to hear ) . No us women don't have to sit around and "take it" and "wait" for the MM to make the first move .


Thanks to everyone here for your advise and support . For sharing your stories . Yes it helps to know your not alone . It is nice to have a place you can vent and share because these our things that people close to us can not understand nor can they except .

What did we ever do before the days of the internet ;-)

We are not bad people , we just seek for happiness . Life is to short so why not do what makes us happy . Sometimes in the short run it looks like people are getting hurt , but there is a bigger picture . That is why my motto is - Things happen for a reason , for good or for bad there is always a bigger picture .



I have a perfect story . Over a year ago I met this guy . I was on the rebound from my Fiancée breaking off our engagement . This guy was M and he had no intentions of cheating on his wife . We became good friends . I found someone who would listen to my heartache , ( My friends were tired of listening to me and they never liked my Fiancée in the first place ) he found someone who would listen to his problems . We could hang out as much as we wanted and talk as much as we wanted because he is a bartender it was easy to meet

I never looked at our R as an A because we were not having sex . We were just friends . He would tell me how unhappy he is in his M ,that even the day he married , he didn't really want to but he thought it was the right thing to do . He wants to leave but is scared .

My only advise to him was to think hard what he really wants . What makes him happy and do it . Well his W found a text message on his phone that I sent him ......... I think he wanted her to find it because it was an old one . He erased other ones , why didn't he erase that one ??

Of course all hell broke loose even though the message was very innocent . and there was really nothing going on between us . just friends talking . Well that was the last straw . He decided to leave W and file for divorce . At the time she was very hurt , she thought it was the end of the world .

Now a year has passed by they are divorced and both are very happy with their new lives .

He has moved on , She has moved on .Many changes has happened in their life since the D ......but they both agree this D is the best thing that could have happened for the both of them .

So there can be a bigger picture, even if at first it didn't seem like it .

Just wanted to share this , so you can know that sometimes what may hurt now , may be better for the future .

Sorry so long , thanks for taking the time to listen ( read )

Thanks for having this board .


Edited 2/21/2004 10:56:38 PM ET by viperdiva

xoxo ViperDiva

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 3:27pm
Viper, I'm glad that he called you back and you got some answers. You probably already knew them, but it still helps to hear. It sounds like your mm does have respect for you and you know that is a big thing to leave him with. It sounds like you two will be able to remain friends. I am married and want to continue with my A, and my om is single and is the one not calling, holding back. Really just the opposite of your situation. I'm wondering, is it a guy thing and it doesn't matter if they are single or married. You are right about the big picture. As hard as all of this has been on me, it has helped my R with my H and my H has gotten a lot of good out of it, but he doesn't know it. I'm dealing with the pain myself and here when I can. I know my om felt that I was using him to get something out of my M. That never was the case. I really had feelings for him and thought he was fun to talk to and be around, someone different. I'm sure it was that way with your mm too. It just got to be too much for him. Maybe I dealt with that better being a woman, and that is why I want the A to continue. Maybe your mm, being a guy, found it more difficult. He ran from it, but called you back when you demanded answers. Good for you and for him too. You sound like a strong woman. I think the NC will diminish some of your feelings for him. Good luck, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 7:15pm
Viper, I ended it in a letter with mean MM. I hope you remember my story.... control freak, teach me a lesson head games, never phones back but still wanted A. Anyways, on Friday before I went skiing for the weekend I typed up a 3/4 page letter and brought it up to his office and threw it at him.... (ouch) Left for trip and he never tried to call me at work, or cell or anything, which I knew he wouldn't. I think the letter will really P*ss him off big time and possibly hurt him a bit (if he is capable).

I got drunk and cried this weekend a few times but I think I am better today. Time will tell. In the letter I told him he couldn't be honest with me ever on what kind of Affair he wanted to have and he has too many problems and I can't wait for him to get his sh*t together..... I told him he was rude also. I also told him I have the chance to go elsewhere and I am going to cause I was sexually frustrated cause of him.... I wonder if that hurt him since he was always so competitive and stuff. How horrible can I be but the last few weeks he has ignored me basically and I tried to get him to see me one night but he had excuses about the medication he was for quitting smoking making him tired etc. I knew it was because he couldn't get out cause of wife....

I feel a bit better and not as freaked out as I thought. I will see him at work, what will I do then....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 7:27pm
Viper, now about your situation now that I vented about mine. Wow, that's tough but it had to be done and time will heal... we hope. Your discussion had to happen sometime. You really got to the guy... he couldn't just have sex, ended up getting emotionally involved with you and that is understandable of course. I hope it is truly over and you move on. I hope he doesn't try to get back the A with you. I have doubts that he can be faithful to W when he had such a good thing with you. He may be back and you have to be strong. Try and find someone else FAST. Get your mind off of him FAST otherwise you may be tempted if he tries... Good luck! keep us informed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 9:30pm
Yes it does help to hear . Funny they say women are emotional but seems based on your story and mine the men are the ones with emotional problems .

I have feelings for him , not in love but I care for him and I enjoy being with him and the sex is .............words can not describe ;-) . And yes I missed him when days/weeks went by without meeting , and I would think of him a lot .but it wasn't a problem for me . Maybe because I am single so I didn't have any guilt about cheating .

For him looks like if it is just sex he doesn't feel guilty . When his emotions got involved it was harder for him to face his wife .

I am a strong women , well the way my life went I had to learn to be strong or I couldn't survive . But even though I am strong , there are moments it is hard to be strong .

Like today all day I have been crying and I can't seem to stop . The thought of NC just hurts so much. The thought of not , feeling his kisses ,his touch makes me sad it is so painful .

Unfortunately NC won't make my feelings go away . I know myself I will not get MM out of my mind until I meet someone else who can make me feel like MM did . and that is going to be very hard to find .

I had the same problem with my ex fiancée . We had NC , but it didn't help me forget him . He even came back to hurt me really bad ( emotionally ) and I still couldn't forget about him .............. only when I met MM is what made me finally forget about ex fiancée.

I do not find easily that special chemistry. In 15 years I found only 2 ( and I dated a lot ) and both times I knew it was there the minute I looked them in the eyes .

Thanks for your support. If things are getting better with your H maybe you should try to focus on that . All the best to you , Hugs , Viper

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 9:53pm
Spoiled ,

Yes I do remember your story ;-) I don't think you are horrible at all !!

Based on what you told us about your MM he deserves to hear all those things you said to him . Will it hurt him or bother him , piss him off ?? well if he is a mean person probably not .

Maybe he will get a bit pissed because he is competitive , but apart from that he probably could care less .........because if he did care he wouldn't treat you the way he does . You allowed him to treat you like that so he continues to do so .

But you don't want to be with a man who has no heart, do you ?? or respect for you ?? So what did you find in him in the first place ? Don't you think you deserve better then that ??

Yes the hardest part is because you still have to see him at work . That is why Office A are really a bad idea . If things don't work out , you still have to face them at work , that is very very hard . I few I know who had office A's eventually had to change jobs because they couldn't continue at work like nothing ever happened .

I know I couldn't go on wanting my MM and seeing him everyday. Even with out seeing him everyday I can't get him out of my mind .


But in your case MM is mean , control freak .........why would you even want him at all ?

My MM is a sweetheart . Ok maybe not the best in communicating , not the best in facing up to what he needs to do .but down inside he is a sweetie with a heart . A guy who has feelings and cares . That fact that he feels guilt towards W for having feelings for me , makes me like him even more . It shows me he isn't a jerk .


What will you do ?? , stay strong , think about how badly he treats you. don't hold on to the good times you had , think about the bad ones and what type of person he really is . Good luck , Hugs , Viper

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:59am
Find someone else fast ........well easier said then done ;-(

trust me when I say I wish I could . If I could I wouldn't have even been in this mess in the first place .

I know many great guys that would love to date me , but when they touch me I feel nothing ............ I can tell by even a touch of a hand . If I don't feel that special passion with someone I can't be with them . That passion isn't something that grows on me because the guy is nice . Or it is there or it isn't .

Yes I am still dating hoping to find it because I know that will be the only way I can forget MM. I thought no one could top what I felt with my ex fiancée .but MM did .

I truly can't imagine someone can top what I feel with MM because there is no more then what we had ........and I am not even in love with him !!!

If he comes back I probably won't be strong , unless I have found someone else .

I don't know why every time my life seems to be on track .something has to happen to stir it up !! This really sucks !!

sorry gals just needed to vent

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:46am
Hi Viper, I wish you all the best in your NC and hopefully things will turn out the way they are meant to.

I know NC is hard, you will go thru some really down times. I had NC for 8 weeks this fall. I think my MM also gets the "guilt trip" going once in a while. Because he is basically a really great guy, and although we too are supposed to be a "sex only" situation, I think maybe sometimes feelings do come into play and make us feel a little guilty.

After the 1st year I was seeing him, one day he told me he though we shouldn't see each other anymore, he had to work on home life, work, etc. He said he couldn't try with his W when he was being so satisfied with seeing me. And if he stopped seeing me, maybe he would try harder with W. Well that kept up for about 2 weeks, all the time we were still talking, because we said we would remain friends.

Then after about 2 weeks, he kind of hinted that he would like to see me again. I said how were things going at home. He said no change, and he was missing our times together. But he said, would I be okay with it if it were "only for the sex"? I just said, "I thought that was what it was already?". Anyhow, we started back up seeing each other, and now its been over two years.

But since that happened, he's been a little different. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't treat me with disrespect or anything, but its almost to me like he is trying not to becomne attached to me.

I think you are making the right decision, letting him walk. Maybe that is what I should have done way back then. Because now I am in deep, I would be devastated if he decided to end it now.

The 8 weeks of NC was really tough, I spent alot of it crying, drinking, feeling sorry for myself. Then I was just starting to feel a little better and resigning myself to never seeing him again, when he got in contact again out of the blue.

And so we continue ... It's not easy Viper. But if you stick with your decision, maybe with time you will get over him. Move on with your life, find someone new, who can give you the "spark". I know its hard to find, but I have to believe it's out there!! Take care,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:31pm
Thanks Dusty for your words of support .

looks like that is just how A's are . If a guy isn't a jerk it would be normal that it is hard from him to look his W in the eyes like nothing is going on . But a nice guy would have a conscious .So NC is a phase for him to reconsider his life .

I guess it is just so much harder for me because I am single . he still has his W that I am sure in a way he still loves or he wouldn't have married her in the first place .

So while he maybe spends his time trying to make M work ............ I just spend my time thinking and missing him ............wondering if he also still misses me .

Yeah I know I shouldn't do that ....but I guess if he does later still miss me he will probably contact me , or even though he does miss me , he will keep fighting those feelings because he feels it is wrong .

Based on what he told me he totally married for the wrong reasons . I don't think he could ever get from his M what he wants . He says she is a great mother , well I am sure she is . Looks like all her love she gives to the child , forgetting that H also needs love and attention . I am not saying he is perfect , maybe he doesn't show her enough affection ..........but I know that he works very hard to provide the best for his family and she doesn't show any appreciation for that . If I had a H that worked hard to provide for me and was so sexy and passionate he would get more sex , love and attention then he could handle . ;-)

Now only time will tell ........ if we are meant to be he will come back . If not I know I can't do much about it I will just have to learn to deal with it . Ok no one said life was going to be easy .

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:54pm
I wish I was as strong as you I want answers but I'm afraid to ask. The hurt I feel right now I don't think I could take anymore.My A has been over for 3 months and I'm still sitting here wondering what happen. I was with the MM for almost a year we were planning on spending the rest of our lives together he kept telling me his marriage was over and he wanted out so bad he couldn't stand it and my marriage has been on the rocks for years but I stayed because of my kids I have tried leaving but H begs me to stay why I don't know he says I bitch all the time because I want affection. I tried several times to get him to go home and work on his marriage he kept telling me there wasn't anything to work on he didn't have any feelings for his wife at all. We were together one evening him telling me he loved me, missed me, and wanted to be with just me and to keep the faith, the next day him and his wife confront me he tells me he wants it over and done with once and for all and him and his wife walk off. I went home couldn't sleep I was a mess so I went to his work to talk to him he told me we had nothing to talk about it was over he loved his wife and that reality hit him, he had a wife and two kids and I was to forget him and all he was doing is using me. Plus he told his wife I wouldn't leave him alone he wanted out and I wouldn't let him. Well I called him a month ago because this was to be kept between him and his W and me and my H but there were rumors going around about us he told me you know how I feel and I know how you feel,he said that 3 times I ask him how things were going he said his wife made him go to counceling I ask if it helped he said it took up some time and laughed. Told me it was good to hear my voice and he was sorry for hurting me. But I didn't get the chance to ask him why, he had to go and ever since I have been afraid to call again. I know he belongs with his family and I promised I wouldn't ever bother him again, I'm just so confused what happen in that 24 hour period that he fell out of love with me and reality hit him. I guess I just need to hear what your thoughts are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:29pm
Hey Viper, you hang in there. If its meant to be, you'll hear from him again. Like you said, decent guys get consciences. But then they remember about you too, and what you had together.

But look at the facts for his homelife, miracles don't happen. W isn't going to suddenly change. That's what I told myself over and over for those horrible 8 weeks NC.

Take care, I'll be thinking of you!!

Dusty
xxxx

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