getting answers .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
getting answers .
15
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 8:43pm
Well , I decided enough is enough . Why do I have to sit around eating my heart out not knowing what is going on .MM had enough time to think about if my expectations of this R works for him or not . It shouldn't take months to think about.


So I called him , of course at that moment he couldn't talk and promised to call later when he can talk .

I said ok , you better call and not just say you are calling and if you don't want to call just say so now .

He said - no no we need to talk , I do owe you an explanation.


So he called . He said this A is tough and confusing for him . he never expected it to be like this when it started .

That he does think of me and care for me but he can't handle things at home .

He is sorry he isn't a good communicator and doesn't know how to express what he wants or feels .

That he was putting off talking about what should have been talked about because yes it isn't fair to me and I deserve better then that .

He said he should try to work on his R with W before he gets into another type of R .

He said he can't handle the type of R that I want ( which I do deserve ) and the R at home at the same time .

He said he was sorry , he didn't mean to hurt me in any way .That when we started this A he thought it was going to be just sex , but he started to have emotions and feelings for me and he doesn't know how to handle that.

I told him yes maybe he should try to be a better H . I have said that to him before , he said he tried but it didn't work . His wife just isn't into him . I told him if the way he communicates with me is the way he communicates with her , maybe HE is the problem . He said , maybe .

When I ask him do you want our friendship to be over , he says with out hesitation NO NO

So bottom line even though he didn't exactly come out and say it ( boy is he bad in saying what he feels ) I guess he was trying to say lets take a break from this A .Let me see if my feeling for you go away . Let me see if things change at home and if they don't may I call you , will you still want me ?


I told him of course as of now I sill miss him . but maybe with NC my feelings will go away . Maybe I will find someone else . I am not going to sit around and wait to see if things will work out with W or not ......which I doubt will change between them unless they both go to serious consoling and they both have a lot to change .

Well maybe this short A has taught my MM something about life . Maybe it will bring his M back together which is ok , because I am not trying to be a home wrecker . Although I am losing a great sex life and great lover , Maybe I am making someone a better H and better person . Looks like A's can also be a good thing for the W , not always bad as people think. ............... are you reading this wife's ;-)


As for me , well life goes on , yeah I will miss my MM , but time will heal.

At least now I feel so relieved that I know what is going on through his head and I am not just sitting around wondering and not knowing .


I am very glad I stepped up and made that call , ( even if it was something I didn't want to hear ) . No us women don't have to sit around and "take it" and "wait" for the MM to make the first move .


Thanks to everyone here for your advise and support . For sharing your stories . Yes it helps to know your not alone . It is nice to have a place you can vent and share because these our things that people close to us can not understand nor can they except .

What did we ever do before the days of the internet ;-)

We are not bad people , we just seek for happiness . Life is to short so why not do what makes us happy . Sometimes in the short run it looks like people are getting hurt , but there is a bigger picture . That is why my motto is - Things happen for a reason , for good or for bad there is always a bigger picture .



I have a perfect story . Over a year ago I met this guy . I was on the rebound from my Fiancée breaking off our engagement . This guy was M and he had no intentions of cheating on his wife . We became good friends . I found someone who would listen to my heartache , ( My friends were tired of listening to me and they never liked my Fiancée in the first place ) he found someone who would listen to his problems . We could hang out as much as we wanted and talk as much as we wanted because he is a bartender it was easy to meet

I never looked at our R as an A because we were not having sex . We were just friends . He would tell me how unhappy he is in his M ,that even the day he married , he didn't really want to but he thought it was the right thing to do . He wants to leave but is scared .

My only advise to him was to think hard what he really wants . What makes him happy and do it . Well his W found a text message on his phone that I sent him ......... I think he wanted her to find it because it was an old one . He erased other ones , why didn't he erase that one ??

Of course all hell broke loose even though the message was very innocent . and there was really nothing going on between us . just friends talking . Well that was the last straw . He decided to leave W and file for divorce . At the time she was very hurt , she thought it was the end of the world .

Now a year has passed by they are divorced and both are very happy with their new lives .

He has moved on , She has moved on .Many changes has happened in their life since the D ......but they both agree this D is the best thing that could have happened for the both of them .

So there can be a bigger picture, even if at first it didn't seem like it .

Just wanted to share this , so you can know that sometimes what may hurt now , may be better for the future .

Sorry so long , thanks for taking the time to listen ( read )

Thanks for having this board .


Edited 2/21/2004 10:56:38 PM ET by viperdiva

xoxo ViperDiva

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:30pm

hi redeyes -- i'm so sorry you're going through this crap!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:06pm
Hi Redeyes ,

I totally agree with what cl-gurlfriend has said here .

Doesn't look like he really loved you in the first place . Love doesn't go away over night .

How many times do you need to be rejected by him ...... I think he made it pretty clear to you it is over . Why ?? what happened ?? Why did he tell you he loved you , well he told you what you wanted to hear to keep you around . Will he ever admit to that ?? probably not because a jerk is a jerk .


My ex fiancée ( and he is single ) cut off our R out the blue with no explanation . we were making plans to wed , for me to move to another state .and all of a sudden a phone call we are over . I couldn't understand , why what happened everything was fine . I tried to get him to talk to me to explain . how could this be . How could he say he loved me so much and all of a sudden doesn't want anything to do with me . How can someone's feelings just go away ........as time went by I figured it out . he never really loved me as he said he did . he was all BS , just to keep me around . When he didn't want me anymore it was over. yes I was very hurt and depressed for over 6 months . But I am glad his true colors came out before we got married .


and now I just found out he contacted one of my friends trying to go out with her and telling her all this personal stuff we had between us ( oh and he claims he is such a private person , private my A** ) ....luckily she is a good friend , and told me about it and of course told him to f**k off . Now I really see what a jerk he is.

I think your MM is a jerk . You probably fell in love with someone who was nice , but that isn't really who he is . I also fell in love with a guy who I thought was great , honest and nice .....but later who he really is came out . Just a jerk .

Move on honey . Forget about your MM . Maybe try to make things better at home with H and if you can't do that then maybe think of D but for YOU , not because you are making plans to be with another man .

I always told my MM if he did ever want to leave his wife , he should leave her because he wants to , not on my account .

I wish you all the best and many hugs .be strong , you can do it ! Viper

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:31pm
Thank-you for your thoughts yes he's a dog and he wanted to get caught so that his wife would kick him out but somewhere he changed his mind. I have known this man for years and I always thought he was an honest sincere person a guy that was in a relatioship that she thought she was better than him and his family. She has complete control of him he doesn't go to the bathroom without her telling him that he needs to. He has no self esteem at all very down on himself is there a chance she threatened him with the kids and the money. Her family would destroy him financially if she told them to. I just feel like a fool I gave this man my heart and soul and he kept looking into my eyes and telling me he loved me like he's never loved anyone before and he called me everyday 5 or 6 times didn't care if anybody seen us together went away for the weekend I spent 2 weekends at his house so how could those feelings just go out the door and him be so mean to me? I just don't understand how someone does that to another person. He had that wife and kids before I came into the picture, will he cheat on his wife again or will they be able to fix their relationship? He told me he is so depressed and its not getting any better at home. Did he think it would after his wife found out? I cry everyday does the pain ever go away? My H is so into our business he could careless if I got ran over by a truck as long as I took care of my part in the business. I'm so depressed and my H thinks its my time of the month.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 8:07pm
Redeyes hon ,

You don't understand how a person can act like that or do such things because YOU are a good person . Honest person , Kind person . a person with a heart .A person who would never do such a thing .

it's kinda like when I think how can a person kill another person . Or how can a parent molest their own child ...........there are all sorts of people . because we are not like that it is hard for us to understand . I just learned to except it .

Yes the pain will go away someday . It may take time but it will . and when it will you will look back and laugh and say - gezz what was I thinking .

Don't feel like a fool for giving him your heart . It is not your fault he is a jerk . It is not your fault he deceived you . You enjoyed times with him , now his true colors come out and it's over . You are hurting because you miss the person you thought he is .

When you will except that he isn't what you thought he is , that will be your first step to heal . Don't hold on to what you thought he was , think about who and what he really is ..A JERK that has no problem playing with others emotions to get what he wants .

yes there are people who are like that .

It's ok to cry . but cheer up , be strong it will be ok .

and about your H well maybe you shouldn't take care of your part of the business maybe that will wake him up !!! ;-)

If you want to be with H , maybe you should talk about counseling . He needs to get his butt out of the biz and pay you more attention . hugs Viper

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:40am

hi redeyes, honey, there's no "figuring it out" -- because MM lost his nerve.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

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