Getting comfortable

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Getting comfortable
35
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 2:16pm

Hey Everyone...

From time to time, my AP leaves me feeling like I am putting too much pressure on her to be "active" in our A. From what she says I take it that she feels that I am often "checking-in" and make comments to her that indicate my need to assess our status or her feelings for me.

I do think there is probably some truth to that. Over the past few months, as she has gotten really busy at work, I do probably reach out to her and fish for some affection; especially since we talk a little less frequently that we had in the past. To me it doesn't feel that much different than what one might expect in an LDR, but I think it signals to her a lack of confidence on my part, which in turn causes her to feel pressured. At the same time, I know that I work really hard for her not to feel that way. I really respect the demands of her work, raising her child, that she is still M, but I would like to feel that there is some room for me in there. I really do try not to have many expectations of her visiting, or us spending alot of time together.

For the longest time I wasn't this way. I know that I have been okay with the nature of our involvement and the parameters within which it existed. It's only after her taking on significantly more responsibilities at work, and my growing sense about the end of my M, that I started feeling this way. As I have said previously, I know that this A not going to move much further forward so quickly, even if I do move to a D. Regardless of what I might want in the future, I have to accept that she is, in fact, M. I can't expect TOO much right now, nor can she at some level.

How do I get back the comfort that I once had?
How do I simply trust her feelings for me and not have to seek her reassurance?
Crap, am I some kind of love addict that thrives on the highs of a new relationship and gets uncomfortable with the normalcy that follows? Is that what drew me into this A in the first place?

MPV

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:13pm

Crap, am I some kind of love addict that thrives on the highs of a new relationship and gets uncomfortable with the normalcy that follows? Is that what drew me into this A in the first place?


That's what it kinda sounds like to me. Self reflection is a wonderful thing. Knowing exactly who we are. The only problem with this is do you plan to start a new relationship and once it fizzles out (which they all do eventually) move on to your next partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:26pm
"How do I get back the comfort that I once had?"

Take the situation for what it is,stop analysing,at the end of the day it is an affair,not normal relationship.
you need to make a decision here whether to continue as it is and hope one day both of you will be together or end it and start a new relationship or affair.
The more pressure you put on her the more she run away from you,I think she is already feeling pressure that you moved out of the house and now you are asking her to do the same.
Don't Get divorce because of your AP,get divorce for yourself.

"am I some kind of love addict that thrives on the highs of a new relationshipand gets uncomfortable with the normalcy that follows? Is that what drew me into this A in the first place?"

You got that right,we all thrives on the highs of new relationship and IMO that is the main reason why we are here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:30pm

Hi Malepov,


Firstly, I would just like to say, I have been following your posts about your A, and I really feel for you. I can tell you love your AP, and god I wish my AP treated and cared for me the way you care for yours. She must feel very assured and confident in your feelings for her, and I guess thats why she can focus on all the other things going on it her life.


My A on the other hand is filled with uncertainty and pain, hoping he's thinking of me, hoping he has the same feelings for me, the constant wondering can drive me up the wall, and distract me from my job, my H and my Children.


So what I'm trying to say, is if you were my AP, I would be over the moon that you treating me the way that you treat you AP. I'm guessing you give her the room she needs to have a life and keep you in it.


Sorry I can't answer your questions. I'm in a confusing time right now, and can barely string a sentence together.


Taken

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:43pm

Ugh...I so don't want to be that person.

In fairness to me, I have been M for 15+ years and have only had one A. I might feel a bit more worried about being that person if I had been in multiple A's with a similar pattern. That said, I do wonder.

As I posted in my "Can it be too normal?" thread, I think my AP doesn't worry about our relationship; she simply assumes it is there. I don't think she is worried about whether or not I love her; she knows that I love her. At the core, I have no doubt about her feelings for me, but I have lost a sense of where this thing is going. I thought I knew. I thought she was working on ending her M and making room in her life for me. She does the latter to the extent one can as a MW in an A, but I'm not so sure about where her M is heading. Honestly, if she was direct and told me very clearly that she intends to stay in her M for the foreseeable future, I could at least rely on that when considering my role in the A. At this point, I don't really know where she is at and I'm not going to ask.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 4:01pm

Butterfly...

Thanks for the reply. You are right in so many ways and I know it's up to me to get my head wrapped around it again. The only thing that is going to have a positive affect is patience; not pressure.

Just to comment on a few things,

<>

I moved out of my home 2+ years ago. My AP was a part of me making that decision and even helped me decide on my place. I have never asked her to move out, or to ask her H to move out. At some point she told me that she had asked her H to find his own place, but for a variety of reasons that did not happen. The last I heard about it was 1 1/2 years ago. We haven't spoken about it since, though I recently did ask about their sleeping arrangements ( "same bed, not intimate" ). I freely admit that I would be much more comfortable at this point if her H moved out, but I am not asking/pushing for it.

<>

I know, but the truth is that when you are in the middle of the A, there is no simple way to separate them so cleanly. How can I not factor my AP into the equation? In fact, I worry more that my getting a D will actually result in my AP feeling more pressure to be present in the A. Quiet honestly I think this is more about how my AP operates, than any of my concerns. My AP tends to take the burdens of the world on her shoulders; even if the world isn't asking her too. At times she has told me that she feels like a bad "girlfriend". I don't recall ever telling her that she was not being attentive enough, I just think that she often measures herself against her own expectations; or her belief of what someone's expectations of her are. I give her a LOT of room and don't think I am particularly needy.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 4:19pm

Hi Taken,

Thank you for your comments. I really do believe that I treat her well and give her the support she needs to feel confident in our "relationship"; and a lot of room to take care of her life without needing her to care for me all the time.

About your feelings in your A,

What I am trying to understand about my current feelings is that they are MINE. I am very much like the way you describe yourself ( hoping she is thinking about me; that she has the same feelings, etc..). I am coming to realize that my worry about those things, has very little to do with my AP and her actions; they come from me. If I sit and reflect on the A honestly, I don't really know what she could do to boost my confidence at the moment. Sure, I'd love to see her more and spend more nights with her, but is that realistic today? We are actually doing pretty good with getting time together recently. I've seen her weekly, even if going out with others, and we've even been able to spend some night together. All in all, it's probably pretty good; except in my head. I think butterflysugar has it right; it's up t us to get our heads straight and see these things for what they are right now. They are As! Even if we hope, dream, desire a different kind of relationship in the future, today they are what they are.

One last thing...

I really do wish that your AP starts to treat you better and to be more present for you. We all deserve to have partners that pay attention to our needs and are willing to provide us with care and comfort. Please try hard, though, not to compare me to your AP. I am bringing a different POV to this board, but our APs are all individuals with their own feelings, baggage and ways of managing a relationship. When I post here, you are only hearing my side of the A. I love hearing the thoughts of the women on this board, but I try hard not to substitute your voice for that of my AP. You all help me to shape my thinking, but she is who she is and her attitudes are shaped by the whole history of her life.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 5:14pm

She has power over you and in your relationship because you love her more than she loves you. Things will never be the way they were because she is happy with what she has, and you are not. And the longer you will continue, the worse it will become - you will become even more insecure and desperate and will pressure her for more, and then she will start pulling away and eventually she will break it off with you.

Get out. You won't get what you want with this woman. Try to work things out with your wife, or let her finally go, get divorce and find someone who will love you back and won't keep you hanging.

Sorry if it sounded harsh, but I've been reading your posts, and you seem to be increasingly frustrated. And I've been where you are now - I left my husband to be with my love, and he didn't do the same. I don't care for his reasons, however honorable they are - we all have our own struggles in life and our own challenges. But at some point you have to get real, see things for what they are and cut your losses.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 7:27pm

My perception of you, malepov, is that you are NOT one of those who are addicted to the "new relationship" thing.


I think the source of your frustration is that you and your AP seem to be on different pages - you're no longer "on the same page" somehow.

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 8:14pm

Hi Gone...

You don't sound harsh. In fact you sound very realistic; probably shaped to a large extent by your own experience.

I don't know if I feel that I love her more than she loves me. Thinking back on our A, I know clearly that there have been times when she was VERY clingy and needed a lot of reassurance. Perhaps that is a cycle that APs go through. Right now, I agree, she is very comfortable with what she has and doesn't have any reason to push it forward. Again, if I am honest with myself, I don't know if I could really give much more now, but there is a part of me that wants to try.

I think the insecurity comes from ourselves and not from our APs. We are each responsible for our own happiness and comfort. Look at it another way. Let's assume her H is comfortable, content and secure with their M ( I have no reason to believe that he isn't ). Well, how would he feel if he thought that his W, was carrying on a 5 year A with another man? I don't know the guy, but I find it hard to believe that he would still be comfortable, content and secure. Now, obviously, my AP is hiding her A from her H (just as I am hiding it from my W). I guess that at some level, my AP believes that she is caring for her H, giving him love and support, providing a home, cooking dinner, etc. But, if she is carrying on an A is she really 100% present? If they aren't intimate, are they really having a full M? If she is occasionally sneaking off to spend the night with me and telling me she is in love with me, is she really acting as a good W ( am I acting as a good H to my W)? If he discovers the A and is angry, is his feeling her responsibility any more than his happiness is now? If you think about it, if he is happy, content and secure in his M, it's all based on a lie.

There was a point in there somewhere when I started, but I may have lost it along the way.

I am sorry that you AP didn't follow through. Are you still involved with him?

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 8:37pm

Hi Lexi,

Thanks for you comments. I really do appreciate it.

What you are saying really does resonate with me. When I am in a good frame of mind, I do believe that I have turned a page that she hasn't yet. I think this stems from two things...

1. No longer being comfortable with the lying, hiding and sneaking around. I really do hate it. So much so that I have recently told a number of other friends about the A...people that know her. I just can't deny the existence of this important person in my life.

2. Coming to the awareness that it is time to more toward a D. I've written about this before on the board. A lot of this feeling stems from my realization of how utterly unfair this whole situation is to my W. My W wants a full M. I know that. She doesn't deserve to have an H that is involved with, and in love with, another woman. I know that I will lose a lot when I ask for a D, but it is right to go that direction.

So, when I think about my AP, I know that she has gotten comfortable with, and is no longer troubled by, the lying. There was a time, about 18 months ago, when she told me clearly that she felt the situation is dishonorable. I recall her saying that the only way she could stand being "dishonest" was to be clear with her H that she was no longer interested in him romantically; I assumed this meant she was no longer going to have IC with him. As I have said, I don't really know where that stands, but I trust her when she told me that they aren't "intimate".

I guess I assume that she feels very much as "secretlyme" in her post about "guilt". I am certain that my AP views our relationship as a kind of a gift that she gives herself and won't allow herself to feel badly about something that feels good to her ( I tend to think it's more of a way of rationalizing one's guilt, but so be it).

We did talk not that long ago about her expectations, but I don't think we really settled on where we are at, other than between work and her son, spending time with me is a challenge. I really don't want to go back to that discussion at the moment. I'd much rather her understand that I am supportive of her and am creating a comfortable place for her. In some ways, I am probably making it too easy on her, but I just don't feel that it's a good time to push. In my experience, no good comes from pushing too hard.

Of course, all of that said, maybe in her own way she is telling me that she isn't leaving her M of her own accord any time soon. While I'd prefer to hear that directly, maybe it really is what she is telling me indirectly with her actions. Has anyone heard a good story about an A in which one partner engineered a DDay for their AP? ;-)

This all reminds me that I have to respond to the last post on the "Can it be too normal?" thread.

MPV

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