Getting comfortable

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Getting comfortable
35
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 2:16pm

Hey Everyone...

From time to time, my AP leaves me feeling like I am putting too much pressure on her to be "active" in our A. From what she says I take it that she feels that I am often "checking-in" and make comments to her that indicate my need to assess our status or her feelings for me.

I do think there is probably some truth to that. Over the past few months, as she has gotten really busy at work, I do probably reach out to her and fish for some affection; especially since we talk a little less frequently that we had in the past. To me it doesn't feel that much different than what one might expect in an LDR, but I think it signals to her a lack of confidence on my part, which in turn causes her to feel pressured. At the same time, I know that I work really hard for her not to feel that way. I really respect the demands of her work, raising her child, that she is still M, but I would like to feel that there is some room for me in there. I really do try not to have many expectations of her visiting, or us spending alot of time together.

For the longest time I wasn't this way. I know that I have been okay with the nature of our involvement and the parameters within which it existed. It's only after her taking on significantly more responsibilities at work, and my growing sense about the end of my M, that I started feeling this way. As I have said previously, I know that this A not going to move much further forward so quickly, even if I do move to a D. Regardless of what I might want in the future, I have to accept that she is, in fact, M. I can't expect TOO much right now, nor can she at some level.

How do I get back the comfort that I once had?
How do I simply trust her feelings for me and not have to seek her reassurance?
Crap, am I some kind of love addict that thrives on the highs of a new relationship and gets uncomfortable with the normalcy that follows? Is that what drew me into this A in the first place?

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 8:47pm

Good discussions..


malepov, I've been/am/will be where you are at.. though we're both staying in our M's for the foreseeble future.. I think, reading many posts here, there is always an unbalance in A's, more so than non-A Rs. Whether the source is the M or F is a toss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 9:20pm

<>

I've been thinking a lot about that, because it is very true - but on the other hand, if you are in proper, respectful relationship where trust, love and care are present, you DO feel secure and comfortable. You have to be careful and not to rationalize with that "responsible for your own happiness" your staying in bad and unhealthy relationship despite feeling miserable. Yes, you are responsible for your own happiness - but that's including making rational life decisions based on self-love and self-respect.

As to me - no, I left my lover. I hated being in affair and will never go back.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2008
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 9:30pm

Hi MPV


I

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 9:40pm

Gone,

I agree, to an extent, that it's a rationalization. I also agree that "if you are in proper, respectful relationship where trust, love and care are present, you DO feel secure and comfortable". It is VERY true and VERY important to keep that in mind.

We also need to keep in mind that all relationships aren't created equally. One can feel just that secure in a LDR or a relationship that doesn't involve living together. I think back to the time before I decided to get M. My W and I didn't live together. We were in an LDR and often only saw each other on the w/e ( perhaps even every other w/e ). I never once wondered if she was present in the relationship and I believe she completely trusted me.

Now, is it possible to feel secure in an A? Perhaps it is for some people, but I believe that to get there involves a LOT of honesty and openness. I used to have that with my AP and I never once wondered. Recently, I've lost that sense, but think I can get it back; we'll see.

<>

I agree completely. Again, I want to be a little careful of judging anyone in an A to not be acting this way. Is it possible to be in A and be acting based upon self-love and self-respect? I need to think about this more.

<>

So, I agree that an A is not a shining example of a healthy relationship. Of course, I temper that a bit, because some A do last a LONG time and do end up in committed LTRs. BTW...i am not miserable. I am struggling with aspects of my A and have moments of frustration, but I am far from despondent. I probably somewhere to the good side of 50/50.

I am happy for you that you ended your A and that you seem more comfortable. Have you yet moved on to a new R? I don't mean to pry, but I am curious about how one approaches a new R after being involved in an A.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 2:42pm

male,i wont begin to go into detail of what you have posted as its a lot that you are missing on and you dont seem to be in a place to get it.i am sorry for your state but if the woman is worth it ,you will pass thru this and feel better.

boy,do i remember my days reading your posts,lol.can i make a suggestion? keep what you have written as a journal- you may want to read again after 10 years ! i didnt and regret it.also be careful of what you post as this mainly women's site and your AP might happen to read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 3:18pm

Hi MPV,


I am a serial lurker on the board, and try to comment when I feel that I have something which may be relevant, so I hope this is.


I found myself in a similar position with my EAP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 3:26pm
if i may steal your sentence ,"Now, who knows where I will be in the next couple of week or months" this rings with me in another sense.in the sense that i ( and my AP) am getting older with each passing day,not getting any younger.someday i am off to dentist and others to cardiologist then to knee surgery.who knows where i will be tomorrow? or maybe nowhere !!
i am SM with MM for better half of my life -- no regrets,no guilt,just plain peace and contentment.
love is enough for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 7:30am

Full,

<>

Oh come on, you can't just leave it like that. What am I missing and what do I need to get?

<>

We'll see, I suppose. I do think, in my gut, I know what is going on. I know that this woman is worth it, but I need to figure out if I am willing to hang on to the A, while she works out some of her own struggles.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 7:46am

MAM,

Thank you for your comments.

Clearly, I am clinging to this relationship in an unhealthy way currently. I have never been this way in a prior relationship and certainly not previously with my AP. If anything, I have always been okay with the nature of the A and tried not to put much concern in tomorrow. Both being M with children, I always knew it'd be hard to move toward a future quickly.

I think, though, as I am getting to this place where D is likely in my M, I am honestly scared about the shape my A will take. I am trying to work out whether I would be comfortable as the single OM.

What you wrote also rings very true about my AP behavior in our A. For the longest time she was really clingy. As one of the posters wrote in response to another post of mine, I believe she has adjusted her actions to fit what I was willing to give her. As you said, she stopped worrying about the potential of losing me and instead is grateful that I am in her life. I don't really think she is trying to make her M work, but rather is trying to keep a stable home for her son. I get that, even if I believe at some point, children do understand what is really going on between their parents emotionally.

I know that I need to get to a point where I am okay if this relationship were to end. I know that I feel kind of vulnerable at the moment, but I think it is all a part of being comfortable; not worrying about the future of the relationship and simply trusting it.

<< nothing is permanent>>

I agree completely. All relationship end at some point. We all love the idea of growing old together, but there is no guarantee of growing old.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 9:47am

I dont believe 'she has adjusted ' as IMHO, she stopped working on trying to be with you ,which could be not heading for D as she previously was.

5 years is a pretty long time to be in an A to get comfortable.The reason you are stuck is because you denied her what she wanted and now maybe she doesnt want you the way she wanted back then ! She was inclined to you because you 'could' provide her something which was lacking in her M but when you didnt,she has no reason to now.

IMO, get D ,be single for a while,date around and if your AP is free by then,let her call you! But I doubt it will work out.

There seems to be lack of honest communication between you and your AP.