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| Tue, 04-06-2010 - 2:16pm |
Hey Everyone...
From time to time, my AP leaves me feeling like I am putting too much pressure on her to be "active" in our A. From what she says I take it that she feels that I am often "checking-in" and make comments to her that indicate my need to assess our status or her feelings for me.
I do think there is probably some truth to that. Over the past few months, as she has gotten really busy at work, I do probably reach out to her and fish for some affection; especially since we talk a little less frequently that we had in the past. To me it doesn't feel that much different than what one might expect in an LDR, but I think it signals to her a lack of confidence on my part, which in turn causes her to feel pressured. At the same time, I know that I work really hard for her not to feel that way. I really respect the demands of her work, raising her child, that she is still M, but I would like to feel that there is some room for me in there. I really do try not to have many expectations of her visiting, or us spending alot of time together.
For the longest time I wasn't this way. I know that I have been okay with the nature of our involvement and the parameters within which it existed. It's only after her taking on significantly more responsibilities at work, and my growing sense about the end of my M, that I started feeling this way. As I have said previously, I know that this A not going to move much further forward so quickly, even if I do move to a D. Regardless of what I might want in the future, I have to accept that she is, in fact, M. I can't expect TOO much right now, nor can she at some level.
How do I get back the comfort that I once had?
How do I simply trust her feelings for me and not have to seek her reassurance?
Crap, am I some kind of love addict that thrives on the highs of a new relationship and gets uncomfortable with the normalcy that follows? Is that what drew me into this A in the first place?
MPV

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Hi Malepov-
I am on EAS , but lurk over here once in a while to remind myself, when I start to remember only the 'good times', how much agony there is when IN the affair. I am out, and remember you over on EAS. I have only been out of the A
heissick,
I certainly understand your perspective here and have thought about the same quite a bit recently. I really do understand that she was reaching for me very aggressively early in our A and that I could only respond to a certain point ( moving out of my home is a pretty big example, though, of how far I could go ). Honestly, for me, I simply could not be the "escape" from the situation of her M. It's not that I didn't feel that pull from her or have a LOT of desire to be with her, but it didn't feel like the best place for us to start a full relationship. I have heard too many stories about APs that bolt from poor M's while in the "heady" phase of an A, only to wind up in another crappy R. It always felt better to make decisions with a clear head. I also don't really know how to read the current state of her M. I sense that she doesn't have a complete, fulfilling M, and that she is there for her son. She doesn't seem to be moving quickly to a D at this point, but on the other hand, I don't sense that she is looking for someone else to pull her out of the M, which is why I think she "has adjusted". In effect, I believe that she is accepting that having me in her life is better than not.
I know I have mixed feelings about this. I would be more inclined to agree with your sense if she simply didn't make any time for me at all. We have actually been seeing each other quite a bit recently. Sometimes it is sexual, other times it is just simple and quiet. We continue to exchange affection through the normal means (IM and e-mail) and she continues to express her "love". While I feel that things are somewhat different recently, she also hasn't ended it and retreated to her M.
Obviously I am uncertain about the nature of the A and the long-term prospects. I'm not ready to give-up yet, but I will definitely keep your POV in mind. I am not so naive to think to that I could accept another 5 - 10 years in this way. It just won't work for me.
MPV
Edited 4/8/2010 12:50 pm ET by malepov
There seems to be a big piece missing in the puzzle !! If it was all really like you have posted,things should have progressed rather than going nowhere or down and you wouldnt be confused/frustrated,there wouldnt be assumptions.
Get your D ,settle down in singlehood, only then you will be in clearer state of mind as even now you are clouded by fog and not in a proper place to make decisions of this kind.
You guys are not on the same page and it seems like you are expecting way toooo much from your AP.I guess you separated for yourself not for her.Then why are you trying to mark it as a proof for your dedication to her and not D yet?
Something is defiantely missing here.
<< You will keep rationalizing until you don't even know what's appropriate behavior anymore>>
This is so true - everything you took for granted in any other relationship do not apply to affairs - you barely spend any time together, can't be seen together, can't go on vacations, can't do this or that, and finally you have zero expectations whatsoever and your self-esteem is shot down, because how anyone in their right mind and with any dignity left can accept so little and be happy with it?
MOV, please don't be single OM, don't do it to yourself...read countless posts here on MAS what kind of pain and loneliness it is - to sit around and wait for someone who is too busy for you. It is not about whether the woman worth it or not. YOU worth more than that.
"your self-esteem is shot down, because how anyone in their right mind and with any dignity left can accept so little and be happy with it? " I AM !! I am in my right mind,have high self-esteem,dignity intact and in utter happiness.and i am a S OM with MW ,ea,for 22 years ---- go figure.
Its all about how one finds peace.I found it ,no regrets.
Edited 4/8/2010 1:46 pm ET by fullhalfquarter
A quick food for thought :
Your AP is 'adjusted' in her M ( for son ) and now in A as well.You are at the same place as her H -- not providing her what she wanted/needed! No wonder you are feeling the distance.
I must say she is a smart woman who didnt do anything stupid ( like many of us in A's do ,me included!) to regret later!!
I would repeat,get a D ,be single,date around and let it go.You seem to have missed the boat,sorry !
You have shared a woman with her H for 22 years and you say that you are happy and have high self esteem???? You have lowered your expectations for love so low that of course you are happy settling for seconds after 22 years. If you only knew how sweet it could be being with someone for the long haul where you are not their hidden little secret. It's sad that you haven't allowed yourself to experience that. Twenty-two years of this??? You have got to be kidding... I hope that you are in T.
Thanks again for the reply...even if it's a little blunt.
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Indeed, I may have, but I'm not so sure. Evenif that is true, I am also working on getting to a place where she's the one that 'missed the boat'. Isn't that what you are really saying about dating after a D.
I will be a little sparse on details, but while I certainly feel the distance, I think what I feel more is confused. There's a LOT in her behavior that isn't very different from the past few years in the A. We've visited quite a bit recently and had a few overnights...and one in the works. She had been very affectionate and sends little reminders here and there.
What's changed, mostly, is that she isn't 'grabbing' at the relationship. I know that a part of that has thrown me recently, another part wonders if that isn't a good sign. I mean, she seems to accept that we are involved rather than trying to be involved.
Is that a bad thing?
MPV
btw...you seemed to have been hurt badly by an A and I am sorry for that (am I misunderstaning you). I hope that you have found some peace in your life and have been able to heal.
Hi MPV,
I am in a long term (5 years EA, 4 years PA) with someone I wish to see more of, be closer too. We are both married w/kids, both still have one at home. This is AP's second marriage.
He loves me, I know that. I love him and he knows it too however he will tell me how insecure he is for our future. He'll never leave his wife as he told me the pain of his first divorce was too much to ever repeat. I tell him I understand but really I don't. If he loves me how can he stay married?
Now the real reason for my response to you. I tell my AP that I am not intimate with my spouse. Its just not true. And I tell him that to spare him pain and jealousy. It is really impossible for me to not be intimate with my H and I can't imagine anyone who shares a bed accomplishes that. It's also hard to believe that he is not intimate with his spouse since they too sleep in the same bed, and he tells me they do not have sex, maybe for the same reason I lie to him.
Anyway, whenever I go to that place where it hurts to know we may never be together always I try to imagine the reality of a future with someone I have had an affair with, how difficult trust would be and how our leaving our current spouses would affect about 30 other lives.
btw, thank you for sharing here. I only come once in a while and when I do I look for your posts.
take care,
Fran
You may be lying to your AP about your sex life with H but someone here posted about mismatched libidos ,which stands true.Many people sleep in the same bed without having sex for many years,just read the MML board.Its hard to imagine when your sex life is normal as to how someone can go w/o sex while in same bed.Having an EA doesnt help either.
malepov,
I guess your A is the one which has run its course.Its better to let it fade out rather than making each other bad about the circumstances .Its seems much easier in black and white while in real its very colourful and shady.
You are working on 'making it seem that she missed the boat'?? No wonder !
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