Getting comfortable

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Getting comfortable
35
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 2:16pm

Hey Everyone...

From time to time, my AP leaves me feeling like I am putting too much pressure on her to be "active" in our A. From what she says I take it that she feels that I am often "checking-in" and make comments to her that indicate my need to assess our status or her feelings for me.

I do think there is probably some truth to that. Over the past few months, as she has gotten really busy at work, I do probably reach out to her and fish for some affection; especially since we talk a little less frequently that we had in the past. To me it doesn't feel that much different than what one might expect in an LDR, but I think it signals to her a lack of confidence on my part, which in turn causes her to feel pressured. At the same time, I know that I work really hard for her not to feel that way. I really respect the demands of her work, raising her child, that she is still M, but I would like to feel that there is some room for me in there. I really do try not to have many expectations of her visiting, or us spending alot of time together.

For the longest time I wasn't this way. I know that I have been okay with the nature of our involvement and the parameters within which it existed. It's only after her taking on significantly more responsibilities at work, and my growing sense about the end of my M, that I started feeling this way. As I have said previously, I know that this A not going to move much further forward so quickly, even if I do move to a D. Regardless of what I might want in the future, I have to accept that she is, in fact, M. I can't expect TOO much right now, nor can she at some level.

How do I get back the comfort that I once had?
How do I simply trust her feelings for me and not have to seek her reassurance?
Crap, am I some kind of love addict that thrives on the highs of a new relationship and gets uncomfortable with the normalcy that follows? Is that what drew me into this A in the first place?

MPV

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 11:59am

Franchesca,

Thank you for your reply.

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I understand your question completely. How can one stay M if they are in love with someone else? Honestly, it's the reason why I moved out and, even though it's taken a long-time, it's why a D is inevitable for me.

About repeating the pain of his first D, I really don't understand this at all. Clearly, I am struggling to get fully separated from my W, but what is your AP exchanging? Personally, I don't want to be in a relationship simply to avoid pain, though I know I have been doing this with my W. Hearing this from your AP, I get why you wouldn't trust an LTR with your him. Am I wrong or is there a pattern in his martial behavior that rings the alarm really loudly? How long has he lasted in his R before he starts seeking something else?

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I understand, and I am a realist about it. On the other hand, how many people on this board, and other boards on iVillage, report being in a sexless M. Aren't their MANY M in which couples share a bed but aren't intimate; isn't that a factor that leads many people to A's to begin with? I agree that it seems impossible, though others on the board have reported that they can do it, and who really know what the makeup of any M is anyway? Look at it another from another angle, my W and I don't live together, but many of our friends still know us a "couple", as I still do things, including family stuff, with my W. Also, if my AP was truthful with me at the outset, I know stuff about that side of their M which makes me think that she could manage it. Even still, I am not in too much denial over whether or not my AP is having IC with her H. Honestly, what could I really do about it at this point anyway?

One question for you:

If you really feel "in love" with your AP, how do you allow yourself to have IC with your H? I am really very curious about this in general. I totally understand that people in purely PAs can do it, especially if they are really clear about not letting their emotions to get involved. If your emotions are involved though, how do you do it?

Early on in my A, before I got really, really involved with AP, I was having sex with both AP and my W. I didn't feel really great about it, but I allowed it to happen. Now though, I simply can't do it. It was a bit easier for me after my DDay, because the last thing W wanted was IC with me, but even now I think I'd find it impossible.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 12:09pm

Doll,

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I went back and read what I wrote,

Poor choice of words on my part, so let me explain.

It was put to me that I may have "missed the boat" with my AP leaving her M. I agree that is possible, whatever the reason. Obviously, from my posts, I am clearly feeling some loss, worry and/or emotional attachment to my AP and the A. I am trying to let those feelings go and find myself again (yeah, yeah...I know it's REALLY hard in an A). The worst place to be in any relationship is fearing the loss of it. That is what I really mean by "getting comfortable". For a long time, I was comfortable and not at all worried about the future with AP. I believe that my realizations about my M have triggered some of this feeling of worry and I am trying to let it go. This is really what I was getting at when I wrote, "I am also working on getting to a place where she's the one that 'missed the boat'". I simply meant that, if/when our A ends, she might look back and wonder how she let ME get away. KWIM?

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 2:05pm

" I simply meant that, if/when our A ends, she might look back and wonder how she let ME get away. KWIM?"

If she does, you will feel good but if she doesnt ? Thats something no one can predict.

Like 'hesisick'said, get a D and date around.Who knows you will find someone who is much more suitable for you than your AP who lies? If she did it with you,wont she do it on you?Who knows?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 7:06pm

Hi MPV,

Ah..what a tangled web we weave once we practice to deceive..my mom used to say that to me growing up.

"If you really feel "in love" with your AP, how do you allow yourself to have IC with your H?"

Very good question. A little history. H had 2 affairs over the first 15 years of marriage. Denied them both until I found physical proof, then admitted to them. I was at that time already head over heals in love w/AP. But the pain of H's affairs stays with me and it's not what I want to do to H.

So, I have IC with him to 1) not arouse suspicion and 2) to keep my H from getting angry with me. I know, I know not very healthy behaviors but it's the best I can do for now. We've been married over 25 years. With H its just sex, not the way it used to be, with AP I can make love to him and that for me is how I keep my sanity.

On some level I still love my H too. He can or is a good person, pretty good dad and does try to be a good spouse. Unfortunately he made some very bad decisions and it ruined any chance we had of really getting back to any stable level of trust. Right now I can't trust him not because of his behavior but because of mine.

You seem to be a good guy, I hope your AP makes a decision to leave her H for you and you two work things out. My situation is different. My AP has told me he will not leave for the reason I stated above as well as being a business owner and having a young child still at home. To tell you the truth I think if his W would make love to him he would not be in a relationship with me, he had told me "she's a great lady" and a "great mom".

Makes me crazy sometimes with jealousy.

take care,

Fran

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 7:14pm

Hi Doll,

You are probably right that a lot of people sleep in the same bed and do not have IC. I guess it's hard for me to imagine how my AP's wife would not want to make love to him because I do! lol. I guess that sounds funny but it's true. I want him so why shouldn't she? oh well, maybe he is being honest and they are not intimate. But I cannot and will not tell my AP that I have IC w/H, what I have told him is that H sleeps on the couch. Which is the truth. AP just assumes that we do not have sex. And I don't want to make him jealous so I don't tell him anything different.

take care,
Fran

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