Getting off the rollercoaster ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Getting off the rollercoaster ...
12
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 11:15am
and ending EMA. Emailed MM yesterday. I can't take not knowing where I stand w/ MM. EMA is almost 2 years and my love has only grown more for this man than I can handle. We've been alternating FWBs/FWOBs. He's not the affectionate one; I am. He used to call every day, going from calling me "my love" to calling me "my buddy". He says we have a "forever kinda thing" and when he says he loves me he adds "as a friend". He still calls, about every other day and we see eachother about one a week or once every two weeks. What is getting to me is that it seems like I'm the one initiating our get togethers and I feel I need to back off and give us both some space. Heck, on Monday we were together and everything seemed so "right". Were supposed to get together Tuesday and nothing, Tuesday or Wednesday. I just don't feel like I'm a priority in his life. Maybe I am and he's just not saying or showing it. I told him we'll always be friends, but that's it. And even as friends, it will have to be after some time passes. I feel that I need to get him out of my system. Even tho I don't want to.

I feel that I'm risking a lot to be with him. I would be with him and take the risk if I knew I had his love and that he really loved me, and not just as a friend. I don't want him to leave his W nor do I have any plans to leave DH. I love both men, MM more, of course. Been married over 20 years and it would hurt too many people. He has 2 small kids that he's extremely close with. So I am taking huge risks for this MM. He is doing the same but for what?

I believe that if you're going to take risks what you're getting in exchange better be worth the thing being risked. I value MM and weighed this out before I jumped in knowing full well that if caught it'd better be worth it. And it was and has been. But I don't feel that he has the same values. Maybe men in general don't. At least that's how I see it in my MM. He's in this EMA and if caught I don't feel like he'd view me as being worth what he's risking. And that hurts. Besides, I'm worth more than that. So, I guess I'll join Xterra on the "other" board.

Hugs and best wishes to all

Who knows ... maybe thing will change and maybe I'll be back on the ride of my life. I said I'd end things when the pain outweighed the pleasure. My "mistake" was falling in love with this man when he's not in love with me and that's why I feel this way.

Luvin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 11:33am
I am sorry Luvin, that you are feeling that way. I know it can be crazy to be in an EMA, but when the bad outweighs the good its definitely time to say goodbye. Its going to hurt, but I bet its nothing new to you. I wish you all the best and hopefully you will move on with your life. Best wishes...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 11:46am
deleted


Edited 3/10/2004 4:49 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 1:28pm
hey luvin. it's obvious you're feeling neglected by your MM, not loved, not a priority. and it seems that you've felt this way for awhile now. you do need some space/distance away from him to get yourself together. you've invested your heart and head in this relationship and MM hasn't done the same. that hurts, i know. but that said, you are not in a position to ask MM to give you more than he rightfully can. he has lots of other people/situations pulling at him -- his work, his W and children, social life, whatever. an EMA/A (and of course, the other person) is usually last on the list in life. if you expect to be the first (or even the second or third) priority by MM, that's not gonna happen. it cannot happen while you're still his OW.

i'm sorry if that's harsh, but the truth is that you and MM have been FWBs and FWOBs, on and off, back and forth, so you should be used to the missed lunch or phone call or dropped get-together. if now YOU want more from the EMA/A, you should end it, because MM has been telling you for some time (from "my love" to "my buddy" for goodness sake - that says it right there!!) that he's pulling away.

you can be "friends" later. much later. but it sounds to me like MM is pulling away because you've gotten much more serious and he's not there.

back off for awhile and see what happens. maybe MM just needs some time to decide if he wants to be with you or just end it. but only you can control you, so if that's your decision to end contact now, go for it!

good luck honey and keep your chin up,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 1:59pm
I am happy to see that you're looking out for #1, YOU!!! That is the key to an EMA...when the bad outweighs the good its time to say "good-bye"...

Be sure to check back in with us despite where your road takes you...we'd love to hear how you're doing...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 3:17pm
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I agree with you and the other when we say, "When it becomes more heartache/headache, then happiness it's time to go."

Save a seat for me on the other board, because it appears my A is fading too.

Keep your chin up and remember how wonderful you truly are!

Sending you lots of hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 4:47pm
I know I'm in no position to ask to be a priority in MM's life but I do want to feel that I am of more importance to him than I feel. He says I'm important but I don't FEEL I am. He's in a serious situation right now and always says he feels good talking to me about things. Maybe cause I'm older and have the insight he's looking for, I don't know.

And no, you're not sounding harsh, not at all. I'm somewhat used to the missed appts, etc., but I don't like being called on only when HE has a need. A few times I told him I was thinking of moving to another part of the state and every time he literally panicks, calls the next day to see if the offer we made was accepted, etc. I know he relies on me for support. He calls asking if I will always be his friend, no matter what, thru thick and thin, etc.

So I've backed off before and then he calls, and we start back as FWOBs, we miss eachother (unspoken) and when we do see eachother he's flirting, etc. Then I cave in and the rest is history. Then we're back to FWBs. And the cycle continues. I want to end this cycle but my timing isn't too good since he's in a situation where he could use my friendship and support, if nothing else. That's why I told him I'd always be there for him but as friends only.

It's tough, but this is something I have to do. I need to redirect my energy to my M and my DH right now which is hard, because it's MM who's in my heart.

Let me stop before I start boo-hooing. Thanks for your insight, gurl. Email me at mrsjones2003@hotmail.com.

Luvin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 8:51pm
re: You guys are all so lucky

emoticon:

message #: 33919.x in response to 33919.1

from: member00072145

to: sanshop2003

date: 8:49 pm



I had to add my 2 cents on this. Just a little something to think about when your out there ripping families appart.

I'm 26 years old, single, never been married and never had a boyfriend....been single all my life. A few days after my 26th birthday, my mom told me that my dad had been cheated on her from the very start of their marriage. They married young, mom was 16 and dad 23. Both were living in a foreign country. Mom had no one to turn to , no one to call.

When she told me that my heart just broke to pieces.I just could feel her pain.I was angry like crazy.My dad cheated on her with many women.

However, as stupid and selfish as he was he never taugh of the consequences that it did on us kids.

When people talk about affairs they never seem to talk about the consequences on the kids.

Knowing that my dad has done that, well my image of men iosn't too pretty and no I certainly do not look foward of getting married someday.I'm more scared of getting married than being locked in a cage with snakes. I often hear that women tend to fall for men similar to their dads...well I pray and hope that I don't ever fall for a man like my dad.

My mom did let him know that she knew about what he had done.My dad had his head down the entire time and he was very embarressed and couldn't even say a word.He had tears in his face and all he could say to my mom was: why didn't you tell me you knew all these years?"

One things that men and women who cheat need to realize is they think they willnot get caught, they think that the only preson that could possibly hurt his their partner. What they need to realize is that there is something more painful than any STD or diseases out there....The anger of their kids towards them.

Like it or not after throwing everything away, they should remember that they are not going to be young and good looking for ever, when they can no longer run around who will they turn to? They have betrayed everyone, broken everyone 's heart for selfish reasons.The kids and spouse they have betrayed?Most likely they( spouse that has beeen cheated on and the kids) will not want to do a single thing with them nor see them.Conclusion: you end up alone, no one trusts you anymore cause you hurt and betrayed everyone, none of the kids will stick by your side to help you out, you end up alone, old , tired, miserable and no kids to look after you cause you betrayed them as well.

Nice future huh? keep it up.





iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 11:57pm
this is in response to member 00072145.

I am a mother of 3 involved in an A with a MM who has 1 child and they are our first priority, we love our children and want them to be happy. If we as parents are happy then that will reflect onto our children. We may be parents but we have needs also, and if they can not be met with our spouses then so be it.

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 9:38pm
You have your reasons to do what you do. But do keep in mind that the kids do get dammage. No matter how sweet you seem to them, no matter how you perceive the situation to be non-hurting.Many kids willput a smile on and pretend that everything is ok, just so they can get you out of their faces quicker.But the dammage is there and if your not careful. It can blow up in your face when you least expect it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 4:07am
Do not kid yourself your nothing but a peace of ass to MM, hE WILL PUT YOU OUT WITH YESTERDAYS TRASH TO SAVE HIS MARRAGE I know I,am the MM in my situation and women like you are nothing.

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