To go on vacation with AP, or not? That is the question....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
To go on vacation with AP, or not? That is the question....
8
Wed, 11-13-2013 - 5:51pm

Hello MAS Board- its been a while, though I've been lurking and reading. =0)  Super quick catch up- I've been in an A for about 9 months now.  We are super compatible, pretty much in love (I say " pretty much, though as Ill describe below, I've got doubts creeping in), are fortunate enough to be able to spend weekends together, entire days, etc.   We make time for each other, and our respective partners don't know about the A.

In the beginning, it was very heady, and I thought "this is the man I want to grow old with, I've foudn him after 48 years."  He voiced the same sentiment, but when it came right down to it and I told him I was going to leave my partner, he came out and said he couldn't dissolve is 20+ year marriage.  Chagne of tone, big time.  Then the story became that he wanted to be in an open relationship where she outwardly knew about our relationship, etc.   Not sure if that's for me, as I do think I really want a full-time, primary partner with whom I share a strong love.   If that's not goign to be him, its someone else.

So about 6 weeks ago we decided to spend a week in Hawaii together.  Bought plane tix, paid a LOT of money for a place to stay, planned on attending this retreat together.  Now I'm seriously doubting our future, and so also seriously doubting the wiseness of a week together in Hawaii.    Do I tell him I don't want him to come, and find a way to pay him back the money he's paid out?  Do I simply suck it up and see if we can have a nice time for that week, with no expectatins?   I'm really going back and forth on almost an hourly basis.

Anyone have some good ideas to share?

BTW, I think his wife *must* know something is going on, even if she doesnt' openl admit it.  But whatever, that's not my concern.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

I don't know about good ideas, but I'll share some common sense.  Wake up.  This guy will NEVER leave his wife, unless she finds out, and kicks him out.  And if she has half a brain, and a decent lawyer, she will take him to the cleaners.  So then you'll get him because he will have nowhere else to go.  But remember, he wants an "open relationship".  Translation: he cheated on HER, and he'll cheat on YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013

There is nothing worse then going on vacation with a person you don't really want to be with,because you have no outlet and its just you two in a room or you two doing things together so if you can't put all your emotions into him pay him back.It sounds like he just want a good time in the bedroom and you want something serious. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

As sabrtooth said, he's told you that he's not leaving his wife......so there is no future for you except sneaking around.  And to paraphrase what sabrtooth said.......if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you.  His wife may know about the affair, and doesn't care about it.  I was married to a cheater, and I didn't care........because I had plans to eventually leave him.  I know a woman who knows her husband cheats, and she doesn't care.......because she hates sex, but he pays the bills and gets his sex elsewhere.  She's even had women come to her door and tell all.......and she laughs and sends them away. 

If you're not happy at home.......why don't you just leave........and build a new life for yourself?  This guy isn't going to be there for you when you're sick, or need help immediately.  He's just a sex partner.......nothing more, and he calls the shots.......he'll probably move on when he gets bored with you.  It sounds like he has plenty of money......so he can get women easily. 

If it was me I'd tell him to enjoy Hawaii......without me.  Hopefully he can cash in the tickets and reservations, or maybe find someone else to go with him.  I'd bet on the latter.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 It is simple. You can enjoy having a lover who wil not leave his wife.  He is not interested in a romantic death do us part love.  or you can search for a perminate  relationship while enoying having a FWB.   Or you can break it off and be single with all the uncertainity.

Your paramour may have an "open" relationship.  There could be reasons like sh hates sex or is more into other pursuits.  But that means that the FWB will continue.

   The important part is to know yourself.  Do you really want a lifetime relationship or are you acting out social/cultural indoctrination?  Do you actually prefer this arrangement and having your freedom?    Only you can answer these questions.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006

Xxxxx, thank you for the well thought out response.   What is interesting about the responses to this is that the folks responding think its all about sex.  Its not....that's part of it, sure, but we've spent long stretches of weekends togehter listening to music, hiking, meditating, doing yoga.  The level of awareness on both our sides is pretty high.  Sex is almost an afterthought.

And you are spot on when point out that I sh oudl ask myself if I'm ok with various kinds of relationships- FWB, being single, searching for a new, committed relationship.  I'm asking myself all of these questions *within the framework of knowing he is going to stay put in his marriage.*  I'm self-sufficient- I earn 3x what he does.  That makes no difference to me.  I can be on my own, if I chose to do so, and enjoy the freedom of being single.  Maybe I'll keep him as a lover, maybe I won't.  Frankly, at this point, I think what will happen is that I will leave my current committed relationship, and eventually break it off with lover-boy too.   Eventually as in after the holidays.   Then, perhaps with the spring, I'll begin to be open to new connections and see what happens.

In the meantime, I think I am gonig to go to Hawaii with him (I paid for half of the trip btw) and just enjoy the sunshine, the ocean, and yes, the touch.  I'm going to really put myself in the frame of mind that this man is probably not for me longterm, but I can enjoy and learn from him in the short term.

I've got soooo much to offer any partner; I won't fret over him for very long.

I'm feeling better today- strong in my resolution.  =0)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006

Xxxxx, thank you for the well thought out response.   What is interesting about the responses to this is that the folks responding think its all about sex.  Its not....that's part of it, sure, but we've spent long stretches of weekends togehter listening to music, hiking, meditating, doing yoga.  The level of awareness on both our sides is pretty high.  Sex is almost an afterthought.

And you are spot on when point out that I sh oudl ask myself if I'm ok with various kinds of relationships- FWB, being single, searching for a new, committed relationship.  I'm asking myself all of these questions *within the framework of knowing he is going to stay put in his marriage.*  I'm self-sufficient- I earn 3x what he does.  That makes no difference to me.  I can be on my own, if I chose to do so, and enjoy the freedom of being single.  Maybe I'll keep him as a lover, maybe I won't.  Frankly, at this point, I think what will happen is that I will leave my current committed relationship, and eventually break it off with lover-boy too.   Eventually as in after the holidays.   Then, perhaps with the spring, I'll begin to be open to new connections and see what happens.

In the meantime, I think I am gonig to go to Hawaii with him (I paid for half of the trip btw) and just enjoy the sunshine, the ocean, and yes, the touch.  I'm going to really put myself in the frame of mind that this man is probably not for me longterm, but I can enjoy and learn from him in the short term.

I've got soooo much to offer any partner; I won't fret over him for very long.

I'm feeling better today- strong in my resolution.  =0)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
I say go on the trip. Sounds like you both enjoy each other as a fun outlet and companionship. You may not get your happily ever after with him but at least you can have a good week together. I say go to Hawaii and have no expectations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Miles1228, I think I will! I'm feeling pretty strongly (today at least) that it is a good idea, that I will enjoy the week together with someone special on a lot of fronts, then move on to what makes sense in 2014. I feel pretty in control right now, and that's a nice feeling. =0)