God Puts People in Our Lives
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| Tue, 02-17-2009 - 3:06pm |
Most of you here you know my story. I have been w/ AP this time over a year. We have a child together, and he said he was leaving her in March, after missing his initial December deadline.
Well, AP called me this Wednesday passed, and told me that he wanted to come over and go over a few things, give me a few credit cards, access to his bank accounts, and a key to his new place. To say that I was thrilled beyond measure, was putting it lightly. I have waited 8 yrs. for this, and finally it was here. It was as every bit as sweet as I had hoped. I was SO high.
Fast forward to V-day. We had plans to be together, and he swore that he would make it. I told him that for me, this is as important to as my B-day. So, after much reassurance that he would come, I went and got ready.
About 50 minutes before we were suppose to meet, he calls, and says that she cooked him a big dinner, and he didn't think he could get away. I was so hurt. I just couldn't comprehend why if he was leaving, he still felt compelled to stay there. So, I zapped out. I had this huge hole in my heart that felt like a blackhole that was going to suck me down in it. I was in agony. Just days ago everything was perfect, and now it was over. It was too much for me to take.
Then I went to work, and my friend could tell that I wasn't my normal happy self, and inquired as to what was up. I told him what happened, and he said something that was so profoundly simplistic that it rocked my world. It was as if he had awaken me from a long sleep, and the nightmare was over.
All he said was "If you want to know where a man's heart lays then just look and see where he spends his holidays." I don't know why, but that just did it for me. All of a sudden, I could see it all. The lies, the manipulation, being used, every thing. I had an epiphany!
I can not tell you how free I feel. I'm no longer a slave to his love, and the main reason is that it doesn't exist. I believed that he didn't love her, and was just feeling obligated. I know NOW that that is a LIE. I do know this, and it's that he doesn't love me, probably never did. I am just so grateful for a kind person in my life that wanted to cheer me up. I don't think that he could have ever guessed that his simple statement would have such a profound effect on my life. He could not have ever known that God was using him to set me free, because I couldn't do it myself.
God, how I wish I could give those of you in my same circumstances or something similar what I now have. I am free after 8 yrs. of captivity, I AM FREE!!! It's the most wonderful thing. I'm not saying that I won't miss him, and that I don't love him w/ ALL my heart, because I do, but I can say that I feel like I can get out this time, and go on w/ my life.
I'm sorry this was so long. I just had to share. Much love to you all.
Justice

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You know Silly, that is what baffles me too. After everything that everybody has said, I don't get why this was so earth moving for me. It's like up to that moment, good advice after good advice just kept bouncing of my head, but somehow what he said went in.
I will use the analogy of sperm trying to penetrate a woman's egg. Millions are trying, but only one will get through. Once that one gets in, a miracle happens. That's the best that I can explain it.
See, I have hung in there this long because I believed that he didn't love her anymore. Why else would he risk losing her by blatantly seeing me. I mean she's not just some chump that puts up w/ a lot of crap from people. She's smart, has a healthy self esteem and a huge heart. Adding to that, he knows how our first go round devastated their M, yet he did it again anyway. To me, normally that would say that he wasn't pressed to keep her. He also stopped wearing his wedding ring, which was a HUGE mental move forward for him. The first time that we were together, that ring thing was a MAJOR source of contention between us. By taking it off, it sent a strong message to me that he was serious.
IDK Silly, I feel like this new found freedom rings true. I FEEL different. I still love him w/ every fiber of my being. I still want to be w/ him in real life so bad, BUT I don't feel like I NEED him, and their is a HUGE difference in wanting someone, and needing someone. I hope that I'm able to make it this time too.
Quickly, I just wanted to say that I understand why he went back to her after my addiction issue popped up. I was so far from who I really was. My life was slowly falling apart, and we had only been together a year when it kicked in full force. Considering our jobs, lifestyle, and morals I can understand why it was so scary for him. I think that he went back because it was easier, He left her quickly, like overnight, so he was sleeping on his son's couch. All his stuff was still in their house, so he took the lazy way, and went back. That's what I got out of it.
As for obxbell, yes, she does most definitely rocks! I love her personality, her advice, her energy, and I love her. She is just awesome in my book. Also she knows A LOT more than anyone else knows about AP, and I, and I can understand why she is saying what she is saying. She knows the real nitty gritty, not just the stuff that I vent about on here. That's why she feels the way she does. It's all really convincing, I mean I was convinced for 8 yrs. Why would she be?
Thanks for your words of wisdom, don't give up on me yet. I could sense your frustration in dealing w/ a particularly stubborn person, but I am trying. Take care ya'll.
The fact is sillyme
justice i have to chime in...and i'm sorry..but noone has walked a mile in the shoes of your relationship with AP...so you have to do what's best for you..you also know what he has given to you and what he has brought to your life...so again you have to do what's best for you...i am concerned for you as you are for me...concern in that he keeps backing out..this doesn't mean he doesn't love you ..and it doesn't mean he loves his wife..it may mean that he feels guilty for doing this to her....i don't know..and i don't know what goes on between the two of you or how deep the love is that you feel for one another....i don't know what he says to you and what you say to him...i'm not sure...what i do know is that 8 years is a very long time to be involved with someone ..... no matter which way you swing it...8 years with the good and the bad...think about that...
i have only been involved with what's his name for a year and 3 months... and in that year and 3 months..i've found a very deep connection...what's his name is NOT a cake eater and he doesn't do me dirty at all...i'm not keeping care of him to keep him in my life..i don't give him things, it's not all about the XES...and he has only ever been open and very honest with me about our relationship...what he wants to do for and with me...i never asked him to leave, demanded it or begged it.not even a mention...
he told me, after being frustrated with me letting him know about himself with something i was displeased of with him, that he thinks i should date other people.....NOW he's really eating his words...AMEX was right...and so was someone else on here who said they didn't think he meant it like that.....although we aren't back together like that...there the constant..."oh you didn't text me back right away, i thought your boyfriend told you that you couldnt talk to me anymore" kind of stuff going on....i told him "nah my bf said i can talk to you as much as i want" but i was joking...but making him eat his words..., i said that to say..that after he told me he thinks i should date other folk...i realized that i am deserving of my own person..but they will have to be all that and more..they will definately have to be the man XAP is.. (because he is a wonderful person) and then some ...
girl you gotta do you..i'm by no means saying stay in it and fight for your relationship or love...and i'm not saying get out of it..i'm saying weigh the good with the bad and keep moving forward...if it's meant to be it will if not then it won't..you have a precious child from the relationship that has to be happy healthy and cared for....and if you are happy he'll be happy......
and yes although he and i are talking i am moving forward (guess i decided to keep him on my hip in the process) lol ...i'm going on vacation with my girls..i'm doing my spa thing..dating..talking to other guys..relaxing...etc....
just keep moving forward
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
AH My beautiful, brave wonderful friend Justice -
Damn - I have struggled to reply to this - only because I do know you and I know how badly you wanted this to work.
"that is what baffles me too. After everything that everybody has said, I don't get why this was so earth moving for me. It's like up to that moment, good advice after good advice just kept bouncing of my head, but somehow what he said went in."
It may sound simplistic, Justice, but I think you were just READY. Ready to hear it.
I swear Lynn, you are just one of the sweetest people I have ever met. You and obxbell. So encouraging, yet realistic. I must have done something right in a past life to be SO richly blessed w/ such wonderful friends, this life. Thank you for your encouragement, as usual, it hit the spot :)
Can I ask you something? When your AP was riding the fence, and was being indecisive, did you at any point begin to doubt his sincerity, or think that maybe he didn't really love you as he said he did or as much as you thought he did? Did you ever wonder if he was playing games, or manipulating your emotions to fulfill his own personal desires?
It's just that when I think back about a lot of stuff, it's so hard for me to believe that he has been playing me for 8 yrs. The mother of his youngest son, his self proclaimed soulmate. There have been times that he actually got on his knees, and cried, begging me to forgive him for putting me 2nd. He really cried, and if you knew him, you would understand just how out of character that is for a manly man like him.
IDK, and to tell you the truth I'm getting tired of worrying about it. These last 8 yrs. have been hard on ole' girl. Whatever happens, I'm just so grateful for that release of NEEDING him. My love, and desire to be w/ him hasn't changed, but I have gained my independence back, and DAMN IT FEELS GOOD!!!
Oh, just to let you know, and clear up a few things. I never actually saw AP to get the key to his "new place." He was suppose to come over, but I feel asleep before he got off. Two days in a row!!
I don't think that it's over forever, but it is over for right now. I'm enjoying my new free spirit, and am relishing that fact that my mind is not constantly being bombarded w/ thoughts of him. Oh what a relief! It's like I told obxbell, IF we do end up together somewhere down the road, it will be in the future, and the rules will be much more fair than they have been in the past. And IF we do get back together in the future it will be a much more healthy R than it would have been, had we just stayed together straight through.
Thank you so much Lynn for ALL the hugs, and positive energy that you send my way. It really helps. I love ya Girl!
Justice
Hey Justice....
I get it. Kind of like a huge "A Ha!" moment. I loved the analogy you used about the sperm. Good one! :).
No matter when you "got" the message, I'm so glad for you that you did. Because no matter how everything plays out, I truly believe you will feel better, which is great.
Hi Sweetie -
You make me blush for sure - ;)
That was an awesome reply that you posted tgr, and just another sparkling example of how wonderful, and sweet you REALLY are. I am just so glad that you choose to remain CL here even though you're legit now a days (must be nice, lol.) I think that if you left here, you would leave behind a major hole in the lives and hearts of those that stay here and those still suffering that will stumble onto this site; much like many of us current and past have done......
I love ya Girl, and keep giving out that special brand of love that only you can give out. Again, thank you for always being there.
Justice
I loved the analogy used about the sperm ! Very nice.
justice, all i would say is you are a very strong woman to got through all this.
All the best wishes to you.
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