Going crazy...
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| Sat, 01-02-2010 - 9:15am |
I wish someone would just make this decision for me!
Hey guys, I'm a newbie here. 27y/o, stay-at-home mom to a wonderful 3 yr old boy. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for four. And since right before we even got married, we've had problems. I just don't know what to do.Our marriage is a freaking joke. I'm tired of the fighting, tired of the comments he makes, tired of the way he treats me and our son and even the cat and dog. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own home. I have to ask before I spend any money...he's constantly making comments about how it's "his" money because he's the one that goes to work. We've sat down and talked about it multiple time before and he's pretty much told me that he doesn't know what to do to change things. Seeing a marriage counselor was brought up, and he pretty much said that he wouldn't go to one...that if we can't fix things between the two of us then we can't fix things. He said he can't imagine me leaving...that he does love me...but just doesn't know what to do. Honestly neither do I anymore.A few months ago I went to visit my brother for a week and when I came back he basically told me I'm fat and he's not attracted to me anymore. That he thinks about having sex with skinny girls. Oh but he says he loves me...he's just not in love with me. I have so many people telling me things, and it's exactly what I would say to someone else, but it's just hard to follow your own advice. I'm just scared to leave and admit to myself that I'm under 30 and have a failed marriage.
He's constantly starting fights with me...he has a *VERY* short temper. He gets mad and yells and throws things and breaks things. He gets too rough with our son. The other day the cable man was outside hooking up our internet...I was on the phone with my mom. Apparently, our son was in my husband's path, so he grabbed him by the back of the neck and pushed him out of the way. He's always doing things like that. He says he's not being rough and that our son needs to stop being a baby. He's three. He's only ever gotten physical with me twice...both after having a fight because he was beating my animals, and he threw me across the room when I tried to stop him. This summer, we had just gotten a puppy, she was only 2 or 3 pounds. Very tiny little thing. Well, she started throwing up one night on the carpet in the livingroom, and he started flipping out. I thought he was going to kill her. He was yelling and threatening to and everything else. I got a paper towel and cleaned up the mess...but he kept going on and on about it and I don't know what got into me...but I threw it in his face (the paper towel). That is when he threw me across the room. I grabbed my son and tried to leave...he blocked the door and told me I could leave but I was not taking my son with me. I went outside by myself and called my parents to come get me and help me get my son. (We have 2 vehicles, but everything is in his name...so I didn't even want to go there). I calmed down a little bit and came back inside....as I walked around the corner I saw him picking up my puppy, who was lifeless...blood running out of her skull. He started crying and swore to me that it was an accident, that she was under the couch and when he went to move the couch he must have squished her. Still, to this today, I'm not sure that I completely believe him.
We haven't had anything that bad happen in about 6 months...but there is always the fighting, constantly putting me down and making me feel like I'm worthless. Sex is a joke. For some reason, I still want to have sex with him. But it's not romantic at all...no foreplay, he just gets right down to business. No cuddling or anything afterwards. Makes me feel like a whore sometimes.
To further complicate my situation, I have been having an emotional affair for the past month with a friend. AP (my friend) and I have been friends for going on 6 years now. Old coworkers. Have had this instant connection since the day we met. When we worked together (3 1/2 yrs ago) we would go out once or twice a week with other coworkers for drinks. A few times, just by ourselves, just as friends. One night, after way too much to drink and not too long after separating from his wife, we stayed out all night together and pretty much made out in my car and he was trying to convince me into going home with him. I managed to control my urges and went back to my house instead. That was the last time we hung out.
Fast forward 3 yrs...I am a mom, and a SAHM at that. I have no life, I go nowhere, have no "real" friends, and have an abusive husband. AP & I have kept in touch through email and Facebook, etc. He recently just came back from deployment in September. His GF has been depressed ever since he came home. About a month ago, we starting talking. Like every day while he's at work. We would talk to each other about what was driving us crazy about our significant others, etc. Then we started talking about "hooking up" just as friends, to give each other what we're missing with our current partners. We've now graduated into sexting and have exchanged nude photos etc, and he just informed me that next weekend his GF will be out of town for 3 days and he will be kid free....
I'm excited, scared, and going crazy thinking of the possibility. We've been friends for so long...I am so scared that I am going to get extremely attached to him. I already am somewhat. I look forward to talking to him every day. When my phone rings or alerts me to a new message, my face lights up and I get all giddy hoping it's him. I find myself getting annoyed when my husband calls or texts me because I was hoping it would have been AP. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to bed...not to mention the tens of thousands of other times I think about him during the day.
What am I doing??? I've never done anything like this before... There is just so much going on in my life right now...I don't know what to do!


The first advice when someone is new to an A and hasnt crossed the line( physical,that is) is to NOT go ahead.You will be on a constant roller coaster ride of emotions.
EA in itself is disastrous for the married person.
It would be sensible enough to go MC and give your M a try but abusers never change.If your H doesnt go MC,go on your own and get a plan to leave.
You will do what you want but i would still suggest not to go ahead with PA.Its difficult to control once the emotional bond is strong.
Mandanee,
I would defintely not go physical. I know you probably want to and the urge might feel unbearable, but it will make things very difficult. You think you're going crazy now, imagine it 10x worse after physical. I'm telling you this from experience.
I understand that you are concerned about a failed marriage at your age but you and your child dont deserve this treatment, the abuse is wrong and should not be tolerated. I was under 30 when my h and I seperated which was about 6 months ago and we've been together for 8 yrs including when we dated. So I know how you feel, but happiness and safety for you and your child are more important than worrying about how your marriage didnt work. It doesnt make you a failure. That's life sometimes. We dont always marry the right person and sometimes things just dont work out. All we can do is move forward toward the life that we want.
Back to you're AP, the decision is yours but the rollercoaster of emotions after the sex gets crazy, unbearable and sometimes heartbreaking. All women arent the same but, most want more from there ap, they began to get insecure, self-esteems get crushed. There are good times but the bad seems to begin to outweigh the good after awhile. You start to wait for ap to leave their significant other, you hope and get angry, he gives you hope only for it to be dashed again an again. If I were you I would focus on getting away from your h. He doesnt deserve you and you most definitely deserve better. Hang in there. If you have questions, dont hesitate to ask. Hang in there
HUGS
First and foremost, I would stop any communication with AP immediately. If your H did that to your puppy, and deep in your heart you know he did....what would he do to YOU if he found out what was going on??? I think you would be in a very dangerous situation.
Second. Get out. He's been abusing you and your son. Get help from your parents and leave. You're young. You have time to start over.
Please be careful. Your husband sounds like a time-bomb.
Oh, one other thing...cute picture, but I would lose it for safety reasons.
I know I need to leave my husband...it's just easier said than done, KWIM? Especially when I look at him and think about all the good times we've had together, and our son growing up without his parents together. I do love my husband, and I know that things won't change...it's just hard to make that first step and leave.
I've though about what my life would be like without him...freedom, friends, money, my OWN vehicle....my parents only live 10 minutes away and said my son and I can move in with them whenever we are ready. I love my parents, I really do...they would do anything in the world for me. I just don't want to burden them...they're already taking care of my grandmother whose health has been rapidly declining these past few years.
As far as this other man goes...I honestly don't know if I can control myself. I may be able to keep from having sex with him, but I don't think I could stay away from him...it is SO NICE to have someone to talk to and we have been friends and kept in touch for several years now.
Hi mandanee,
Your H seems very abusive physically and emotionally. Abusers never change, it's a pattern. Sometimes after something major like MC or their partner threatening to or actually walking out the door they might change. Just a little. The change is temporary, but soon things will go back to as they were before.
Your H sounds dangerous. Can you imagine if he found out anything about you and AP? I am concerned for your safety. I briefly skimmed some of the other replies and saw someone suggested MC. It might be worth a shot, but ultimately it sounds like this is a bad situation. The fact that you are looking outside your M for what you are not getting in it says something.
The fact that your under 30 and could be divorced may seem like a lot to handle right now and seem rather daunting. Like "what did I do wrong?" "why can't I make it work?" I know the feelings. I've been legally D about a year, separated almost 2 and I'm also under 30. We were together for 10 years; I asked for D because he was emotionally abusive, a cheater, and textbook narcissist, but I digress, lol.
In the last 2 years though, y'know, it's actually come to be something I'm ok with. I've met several women over 30 who are rushing into M with whomever just because they feel pressure to be married before they are "old". Having been M, I feel no rush to do that again and I think that's actually been a good thing. I can say BTDT.
You have great kids, too. It sounds like your H is abusive towards them as well and the pets. That is a major scary red flag. I urge you not to go P with your AP, it will only complicate things more. I know the urge is there, burning.
I'd say get away from your H even if you go and stay with your parents for a weekend, a month, or longer to clear your head. Your not ending things, just taking a pause for yourself. I know its hard when you start thinking about all the good times you had. It hurts and at that point you think you will never have any more good times with anyone else. But, there are other people out there. I'm not saying run into the arms of your AP or anyone else for that matter, but there may be someone else better out there for you. When you get overwhelmed think about or write down the good things vs. the bad things about him. Imagine not having to walk on egg shells or worry about the one you are with blowing up at any given moment for random reasons. I'm not telling you to D, but I would suggest MC or staying with your parents or friends for a little while.
It seems to make things easier when you have someone to talk to (e.g. AP) about the tough time you are having. I get that, I really do. However, I think that just may draw you in closer and push you towards going P. I would say try to limit P contact. An e-mail or call or text here and there isn't the worst thing, but try to add a little distance to that situation, too.
He killed your dog, and you know it.